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Home Shopping Interview

Shopping for a house,
hunting for a spouse,
same difference.

Do I want to only look at new ones,
never been used,
or is that a too-restrictive market,
too high-priced for domestic virginity?

I’d rather shop in a wider market,
someplace gently used,
well maintained,
someone with smooth varnished natural hardwood,
rich in character
and not the smell of new paint
when I could have wisteria and roses
lavender and mint
sage and dill
wafting through his big brown
or blue
or grey
or hazel open windows.

Houses and spouses,
if they’re not bringing you security and pleasure
then that’s a contract violation
and time to think about a divorce
so they can get back in the market
for a better fit with changing times and circumstances;
not stuck with a decade ago,
or two,
you’ve both changed.

Your needs and wants and preferences evolve,
while your spouse/house may feel
boxed in, no room for additions,
lack of flexible floor plan,
or any kind of plan,
too big or too small,
it happens,
you’ve changed your definition of paradise
and its not who you’re still living in.

The spouse/house seems entrenched in incompatibility,
it has only grown older, not better,
more cracks in the plaster,
wear in the rug,
missing more shingles on the roof,
the view from outside looks like a weed patch,
and you had intended to mortgage paradise.

While shopping used expands your market
it also comes with baggage,
crap in the attic
and stuff in the basement
others left behind.
All that good and/or bad karma
is yours for a down payment
but not part of what you bargain for.

What if somebody was murdered in here?
What if he’s swimming in toxic carcinogens,
tumorous habits
growing mold and fat deposits under the roof?

What is your house/spouse’s experience with abuse,
neglect,
deferred maintenance?

I’ve developed this list of questions
I would like to ask prior co-habitors,
before signing either a marriage or mortgage contract:
Why are the two of you going your separate ways?
Was this your decision
or did it feel more like your house/spouse
gave you no choice?

If it was your choice,
if you have moved on to something more to your liking,
rather than slinking away from a smelly situation,
then what does your current relationship offer you
by way of contentment,
peace with some justice,
that is lacking in my prospective investment?
If you don’t mind my asking?

Perhaps there were reasons
unrelated to your domestic satisfaction,
or lack thereof.
Maybe you couldn’t afford your house/spouse anymore?
Is he high maintenance, do you think?
Too heavily taxing,
bleeding you through inflated costs of living
and gaming?

Are there problems in the neighborhood
extended family
that I should know about?

Does the plumbing still work?
Are the lights on but nobody’s home?
Would you recommend your house/spouse
to your best in-the-market friend?
Why or why not?

What interior
and exterior landscape
and design issues did you have?
Is this a job for a barber or a bulldozer,
a therapist or a demolition contractor?
What did you find were your house/spouse’s interior
and exterior strengths for future development?
With your lived-in experience,
who do you think would be the ideal domestic partner
for your former home?
And, don’t just say it would be me
because you’re tired of the alimortgage payments.

Seems like if they’re not f***in’ with you
then they’re bleeding you blind,
or both.
But,
when they play nice,
inside and outside,
then I can’t imagine why
anybody would mortgage with me.

Standard

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