Uncategorized

Finding Healthy Home

I feel stuck in a web of moving on
to leave home behind.

I want to be free of safe turtle shells,
to commune with naked nature
including human,
divine,
humane,
wombmain
not excluding any egostrong stability,
identity,
fragility
as if intolerable
to civil integrity.

I need to grow free,
to feel communion
within
without
above
below
for and of all nature/spirit souls,
timelessly copresent in- and ex-carnations
explicitly remembered
and vaguely
curiously
transparently
vulnerably forgotten
fuels of felt fame
exhausted and ingested,
sober and jested.

I am asking
invoking,
exhaling and inhaling,
possibly provoking
Earth
and all Her Tribes
all Her Eternal Times,
all Her Sacred Spaces
impressed
and suppressed
and depressed
wombmain neural regenerative Places:

When I must at last choose home
between secular wise purpose
and sacred integral meaning,

Remind me,
Mother’s birthing nature,
of all our polypathic indigenous ways,
of all organic truths
indicating this ego identity could not be all trusted home
within one compassionate EarthLove.

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Uncategorized

Harmonic Home

My next right climate,
environment,
home,
will amply express interdependent health values,
need for belonging,
wanting to grow in resonant meaning,
cooperative resilient becoming
GoldenRule cooperative
Win/Win non-zero sum energy faith-filled;
My next right/left multiculture

Will be felt
to become known;
Will be ego-known
to become eco-home.

Some inside/outside interdependent climates
are a better known fit for Now

And Now is this timeless moment
between historic memories,
warm and cold,
fertile and barren,
And future multiculturing images
of creolizing warm more than colonizing cold,
of fertile more than barren,
of love more than hate,
of life more than dying,
of compassion more than violence,
of Yes more than not known Now.

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Uncategorized

And Still We Search

I’ll be turning 68 this spring
and still looking for a health wealthy home.

This feels remarkably like a younger traveler’s game,
with less baggage
and furniture
and tools.

Embarrassing
for an ecotherapist
to be so Earth-habitat unrooted.

Not to indulge in self-shaming,
yet my youngest son,
dependent on EarthTribe to support him
because of physical and verbal dysfunction,
is especially threatened
by Dad’s disability
to seek deep and wide root systems
of affiliation
with natural and spiritual neighbors.

My support system
continues with good faith feedback
that every challenge represents opportunities to learn
and doing so keeps us feeling young,
flexible,
even springy,
optimistic.

I wonder how much older I would feel
if I had never left my family farm birthplace
in Michigan
where this nomad epic wandering
was first inspired
to run into young adulthood
on my own two strong legs
and back
and more orthodox mind.

Now more imaginatively stimulated
by heretical thoughts of a well-cushioned rocker
next to a comforting fire,
surrounded by neighbors,
people
and birds,
squirrels
and rabbits,
chipmunks
and woodchucks,
fox
and shy coyotes,
wild turkeys
and horses
and cattle,
sheep
and goats,
mother trees
and lilac bushes,
a blue lake
and a green alpine mountain,
a shade speckled rocky river…
And still I search
for compassionate companions
on this daily revolving journey
through Earth’s nutrition nurturing seasons
active and dormant,
light with rain and snow,
sometimes feeling far too fast
and sometimes anciently slow…

And still we search,
my son and I,
for yet another right place to go.

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Uncategorized

Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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Uncategorized

Complex Causes

Do you believe racism and colonialism,
and maybe corporatism and LeftBrain dominance,
are coincidental,
causally related,
or co-arising?

If causal, which is cause
and which is effect?

Do you believe political and economic values/disvalues
are coincidental,
causally related,
or co-arising?
If caused,
which is cause
and which is effect?
Which form of empowering/disempowering investment
takes first position?

Do you believe contagious hate
and destructive predation
are coincidental,
causally related,
and/or co-arising?
If caused, which is cause
and which effect?
Which came first?

Do you believe masculine
and feminine
are coincidental,
causally related,
and/or co-arising?
If caused, which is cause
and which effect?
Which comes as first trimester
delineating DNA default?

Do you believe living
and dying
are coincidental,
causally related,
and/or co-arising?
If cause-effect interdependent,
which is currently causal for you
and which is dipolar effect?
Which comes first
for you
and for all sentient beings?

Do you believe transcendent becoming
and immanent being
are coincidental,
causally related,
and/or co-arising?
If cause/effectively interdependent,
which is primary
and which is secondary
for you
and for all sentient beings?

Do you believe compassionate communication
and healthy relationship
are coincidental,
causally related,
and/or co-arising?
If cause and effect,
which is cause
and which is effect
and which came first for you?

Do you believe regenerative health
and degenerative loss
are coincidental,
causally related,
and/or co-arising?

Double-twining emergence of dipolar appositions,
where once lived left-brain bipolar oppositions,
both-and positive and negatives,
where once lived either LeftHealth
or RightPathology trends,
Elite and NonElite
days and months and seasons
of individuals
and homes
and species
and habitats
and revolving
recycling
repurposing
regenerative more than degenerative
win/win living Earth

Composed of daylight predators
and nightmare dreaming prey,
yang overpowering yin,
left and right political
and social
and economic
and ecological wings
and hearts
and minds
and reproductive systems
for soaring up and down
out and in
breathing regeneratively in,
degeneratively out

If unidirectionally causing changing life
without static death,
then which is cause and which effect?
Which comes first?
For an egosystem;
for an ecosystem;
for an holonic ego
within a robust
resilient
re/de-generative system;
for an interdependent ego/eco climate web
of life becoming love’s healthiest communion.

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My Body

You invited me to bring
some object of great regard,
And so I present My Body.

A marvelous sensory object
perfect in so many feeling ways
I dare not count
or shout
or flout it through my days.

Unlike my home
where some rooms I like
just as and where they are
and others could be larger
or a wee bit smaller,
and further back or front,
less up and more down
to better accommodate this perfectly aging body,

All my inside parts are perfectly placed,
even my mealtime’s exhaustive plumbing space,
I’ve grown systemically proportioned,
and synergetic’ly refunctioned,
integrally ecologized with marvelous winning grace
and apparent co-relational ease of pace,
although dis-ease does threaten inside grief
as outside gratitude
to leave room for younger climate minds;
Who healthy best remember
this cherished
chiseled
richly robust EarthBody.

My garden would be magnificent
if as organically functioned
as my organs
and my digits
and my senses of magical sight
and sound
and tasty touch and feeling
good wealth object-ives for lunch this day.

I mention house and garden
because these objects, too,
I cherish
and yet they feel less sacred,
worthy of awe and wonder from you
than this body
which I usually cover up,
especially when going out for lunch,
unless you would rather that I not?

Perhaps you would prefer
I had brought what’s left of my right mind,
to more objectively share,
critically compare;
Rather than leave this gloriously embodied self
wide open
for your most remarkably startled glare,

Which was my original nutritional intent, you see
before you asked me,
To bring a specific icon,
my most noble ancient object
worthy of our admiring subjective stare.

And now in closing
I must confess
this body’s shy performance
finds life easier to bear
by imagining your well-seated bodies
in nothing less or more than underwear.

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