I was nervous about my newest client.
Not every Permaculture Designer gets a contract
with the WhiteHouse.
But, when the President called,
for an intake interview,
I guess it felt like an obligation
to at least show up,
although perhaps about fifteen minutes late,
just to confirm any stereotypes he may have
about gay designers.
Then, too, what to wear?
An organic hemp dress would be confrontational,
which would be interesting for me,
but probably make it even more challenging for Trump
to take me seriously,
and who knows what possible acts of patriarchal aggression
a gay male designer in a dress might stir up?
I wondered if he would be interested in some natural dye wigs
as a great way to improve his Zero-Zone,
both decorative and shade functional
to keep the sun off his bald white capital investments.
I did show up fashionably late
and yet maintaining a good faith effort
to take this WhiteHouse gig seriously.
When Trump finally stopped talking
about what a great job he was doing,
I began our long list of Client Interview questions,
the ones I took from my Certification Notebook.
Me: Generally speaking,
Mr. President (I added that part myself–a little ad liberalism),
What are your desired uses of this property?
POTUS: Well, you know I was in the Lincoln Room the other night,
never mind what the hell I was doing in there,
but I was remembering my Republican Mentor’s challenge
about becoming someone who can fool all the people
all the time,
and I think that’s my main goal for this WhiteHouse.
Me: Anything else?
Perhaps a vegetable garden,
or some solar panels,
organic compost for all these flowers?
Rain barrels to catch the roof water
for nourishing your played-out chemically-treated garden?
POTUS: No, that’s all private contracted to Blackwater.
I did mention that I want to drain the swamp
and clean out this dump
in the LeftWing of the former WhiteHouse
promoting health and climate care,
Me: I seem to recall reading that
you are against health care for almost everyone
poor enough to be at risk of democratically shared death.
you didn’t mention your swamp
and LeftWing infestation problems
You only mentioned the goal of successfully lieing
to everybody about everything all the time,
from everywhere you happen to be,
including this property.
Which, by the way,
is a profoundly alarming misread
of what Abraham Lincoln actually said,
speaking descriptively of politics as usual.
Most of us hear
You can fool some people all the time
and you can fool all people sometimes
without also hearing
But you can’t fool all the people all the time
as a prescriptive challenge for better politics as unusual
for future Presidents,
Republican or nihilistic otherwise.
But, let’s get back to draining your swamp
and your problem about the LeftWing.
What is your daily routine?
POTUS: I usually start each morning meditating
and twittering on the shitter
about how well we’re all doing today.
Then, when I’m feeling better,
I need and take a shower
and get dressed
and then I order anything I want for breakfast
and for whoever else might have slept over
and bothered to wake up to eat with me,
which tends to be no one.
Then I go over to the RightWing
and lie to all the poorest ones
and compete with all the richest ones
about who can tell the most patriotically expressive
Then we have lunch.
Again, whoever happens to be at my messy trough
back next to the old swamp,
and then sometimes I play golf
and sometimes I seed more lies
at these really great patriotic pep rallies
where I carefully wrap myself in the one true sacred flag,
and a preferably red Trump-cap,
to go with my all white skin
and blue death lips,
talking about what a mess our LeftWing is,
come to think of it,
the RightWing is getting a bit bloody and scabby
these days too.
Me: You got as far as vampire dinner time
and after-dinner entertainments.
and those are going very well.
We’re doing the best dinner and entertainment reality show ever
in the entire history of this WhiteHouse.
Me: So it sounds like you are clear about your fake administration goals
and you assess your own swamp draining
and LeftWing demolition processes
as well under way.
It’s your dime.
We can continue this interview,
but given the nature of your goals
for what is really OUR property,
and not quite so much your own personal corporate fascist personhood
mandated to own and exploit this WhiteHouse
and our District Swamp
and our Left and Right Wings,
did you ask for this Design Interview
because you just don’t know what a Permaculture Designer is,
because you only know about Monocultural Elitism,
and you were curious about the little people?
Or is this actually part of your fake news,
that your ecopolitical agenda
is in process of receiving Permaculture Design Certification?
POTUS: We are doing an amazing job
of fooling all the multiculturing people
all the climate changing time…
Me: Mr. President,
with all due respect for your authority,
and your sacred fascist mandate,
you are a fine teacher and preacher and mentor
of and for Mendacious Monocultural Designs
for Mutual Obsolescence Certification.
But, that is your RightWing mess,
which apparently you feel you don’t need any help with.
I think you are absolutely and alternatively right about that,
and perhaps only that.
So I think we are done here.
POTUS: How long before we receive our Certificate?
Me: You didn’t hear a thing I said, did you?
POTUS: No, listening isn’t my thing.
But, occasionally I worry,
maybe fooling all the people all the time
must most of all include myself,
all the time,
everywhere I happen to be,
including this swampy property.