Tag Archives: depression

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Life Loving DualDark Night

Some days and nights
I am terrorized by death,
cold silo ache-echoing fear,
claustrophobic breathless dark
inevitable factness and finality
of my decomposing mortality,
and posthumous demise,
probably post-humorous as well.

What good is death
if it cannot at least absorb timeless entertainment?
Hopefully,
even some recreational opportunities
with their concomitant issues
soaring through our DNA-syntaxed COOPERATE tissues.

On better days and nights
I am merely fearful
that I am already dying
by not choosing to live fully.

For my terrorist days and nightmares,
a message from Yin Speaks her feminist Truth,
I have earned my sadness
and depression,
my badness concomitants
gifts of Fear,
more primordial than mere anthrocentric Anger
about vanities of power.

I have earned my rights of anger
about this existential predicament,
this issue about our own inevitable mindbody mortality,
this opportunity to stretch my love of life cooperative muscles
for myself, just as I am,
incarnating all our sadness and depression
with all our competing terrors and climatic-dissonance repressions
of love-centric health
PreMillennially suboptimizing
as LeftBrain deductive-only
Yang temporal-syntax dominant
regenerative DNA-monocultural-normative trend

Settling,
when we could choose more sublime poli-eco-colored Times
and Gods and Goddesses
of choice as ecoconscious light
Right PolyNomial Sacred Space as Time Her DualSelf.

Outlined in NotNot = LoseLose EcoSystemic Devolution
reverse dialectic-temporal
WinWin CounterRevolution, EcoLogic,
YinYin PermaMythic Tao’s wu wei,
++/(-,-) prime fractal Yang OVER YinYin,
CoOperative-ReGenerating TransParent DualDark
SelfOptimizing Continuous Quality Improvement Trends
predicting tellus polyalgae-rhythms,
reiterating river-trees of bilateral-neural function.

Well, anyway,
more about that whole PostMillennial History of Time
of eco-evolution as reverse double-bound revolution
co-gravitating equivalent dipolarity,
later, or earlier,
depending on whether we are already looking
into my future bicameral time travels
with Yang’s pen and right hand dominant language,
or not so much feelin’ that in your (0)-centric sad and suffering heart
of perpetual loneliness
and loss of hopefilled purpose.

But, back to politically competitive oppression
and our economic dis-ecological cognitive dissonance
about our self and other and Earth repression
of cooperative,
and yet surprisingly Trinitarian,
triple-bottom WinWin Line,
healthy economic/ecologic opportunities.

When I’m sad and depressed,
feeling repressed and or repressed,
that’s because I am not crazy
in a too-Yang dominant-deductive consciousness
now co-arising emergent political-economic global networks
of cooperative opportunities
co-echoing-conscious health and therapy vocations
bicamerally DNA with dipolar RNA syntax confluent
tipping our two eyes and ears
to hunt optimal mainframe WinWin Health
and Safety
and Equity CQI Outcomes,
new notnot impossibilities of hope,
empowered by divesting, starving,
decomposing LoseLose Devolution
MonoCultural Political-Fat
dissonantly, yet transparently, dipolar,
OverDrafting Earth’s EcoNormic Balance,
defined as love of health outcomes
equitable to full DNA/RNA spectrum of polycultured life.

It’s hard to hunt this bicameral balance
when my well-earned sadness
about self and other depression
oppressive repression,
stress of chronic dissonance
sparking global autistic-overpopulation
DNA-dissonating ecto/endo symbiotic
co-empathic political and economic feedback messages,

It’s time to turn increasing DNA rabidity around
to find more cooperative and grace-filled
WinWin healthy gifts and eco-normic opportunities.

It’s time to find each other
and give full-voiced co-empathic hope.
Hearing voices may be less crazy
and more polypathically functional
than not listening to our own voices
of permacultural and ecological healthy-reasons
for our seasons
of sadness and gladness
as LoseLose AND WinWin
as losing to win ecosystemic “healthy” balance
for Earth, and therefore RNA,
and therefore DNA’s further,
more cooperative
and graceful kinda’ endosymbiotic
positive-trending WinWin,
Both-And
dialectic-dipolar
continuously reiterative positive Beloved
Conversations,
choosing both Internal with External
EcoCentric Voices.

Speaking of ecocentric,
Richard Dawkins speaks in my dominant Left mindbody voice
investing systemic, bionic, robotic analogies
for our shared exegetical consciousness
of evolutionary survival
as anthro-logically required,
and, if not continuing evolution,
then how would a robot
trend climatic devolution?

And,
should that become anything
to do with LoseLose hierarchical-monocultural,
mutual-competitive,
so that each EgoPlayer must choose
either Win or Lose
and is prohibited by Ego’s bicamerally self-blinding restraint,
repression, sadness,
suffering LeftBrain dominant environmental nurture,
temporarily blind to double-binding regenerative resonant  Both/And resolutions
ubiquitously copresent in fractal and double-octave functions and frequencies
of light as energy and sound and feeling and taste and touch…
to always prefer choosing Win to CoWin,
regenerating-revolving EcoRNA/DNA
confluently double-bound (0)-soul centric
political with economic and rational
Left-Right bicameral balancing
love as synergetic life.

When my mindbody will let me choose
more self-with-other,
both-and,
Win-Win
wu wei life,
that is choosing empathic love,
so it helps to always try to choose it,
one CoPresent Conscious Moment
within timelessly unfolding grace of Time.

I don’t know about future or past,
but I do know I am at least sometimes
bicamerally eco-present
co-arising EcoGravitator
transparently and primally rooting
in P=N(NP)
ecosystemic dipolar-temporal neural
OCQI PermaCultural Integrity, or at least intent,
and diapraxis-trend,
of DNA-Love Left loves Healthy RNA Right
Regenerating C+,+/(-,-) Codex
(0)-soul 4D equivalent-fractal
co-empathic synergetic ecosystemic embryo,

Loving EgoMe as EcoOur and Earth’s future cooperative investments
more than past’s competitively monocultured poli-economic
duress.

Let’s see
probably a walk outdoors at 20-degrees windchill
while writing poetry in front of warm wood stove,
enjoying morning’s excellent bright late-February
glazing glare on snowy white exterior
from this interior RightBrain Balancing view
of love as health,
maybe some breathing and stretch,
less kickin’ ass,
with just a little open crack of one window
west and one east,
to embrace daytime co-empathic atmospheres,

Interior as Exterior polyculturing dipolar ecoconsciousness
of Time’s CoArising Dialects
for past with future diapraxis
and syntax,
rhythm with rhyming reasons,
like seasons of life
with dark as warm wisdom
to cold freezing dissonance of sad repressive

Point of Origin/Birth of LanguageLeft:
That whole LeftBrain DNA-language evolutioning branch research project,
emerging from Elder RNA-embryonic (0)-souled
polypathic health of Sun’s ReGeneration.

Results so far
project global DNA/RNA health-trend confirmed,
time to revolve Earth’s Ship
more cooperatively with polyculturally ecological outcomes
for minimizing climatic loss
of populations through ecosystemic disaster scenarios
for future DNA evaporate as N/A ReGenerative Potentiators.

Time to square root our Yin-nutrient flow,
thereby balancing our LeftBrain BiCameral Temporal-Neural
DNA/RNA Normative ThermoDynamic,
PermaCultural Trending Balance;
more resonant full-octave harmonies
of political past functions with eco-nomial regenerative positive futures.

To Be Present WINWIN polyculturing love
equal to NotNot become trapped
in either/or double-binding Win/Lose EgoCentric
unbalanced thinking
when ecoconsciousness of breathing balanced left with right,
this moment as all of time,
is all function time employed to recreate this Ego,
and the only function I regret to leave behind
so richly dense incarnated
beloved bicameral EgoMind.

What a fascinating ride,
surfing co-gravitating times and landscapes,
noticing tweeks and squeaks
terrified of climatic crimes against Earth’s future children,
speaking to PostMillennial WinWin regenerators.

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Choosing Time to Die

If I can choose my time to die
winter is my first choice
although I can imagine
any season could be good
for releasing ego’s hold
on my yet-individuated eco-consciousness,
should there be such a long-named thing
when I choose my time to die.

I would walk out through my trees
to caress and bid farewell
and thank them for this air we breathe
for their patience with my cut-down ways,
I would breathe my richest breath
into their root systems
as I walk on through these Trees
of Life and Death,
breathing through rich swells
of elation rooted Time.

I would lie down on the snow
under snowflakes blanketing this final nest
gathering owl’s rich medicine
listening to her echoing
WhoAreYou
night-ride voice
twinkling back into this miracle
of snow-flaking stars
twinkling blowing we us kisses through this path
lying down as cold and ego-bold as snow.

Co-falling
co-arising
timeless
Earth-membered
conscious choice of times we live
to give as freely as Earth’s snow.

Why does not not old and cold
equal timeless flowing eco-function diadancing,
snowing inviting invisible stars
of Advent’s rebirth light?

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Esoteric EcoTerra

Nomial is to Relational
as
Subject is to Object
as
progenitorNoun is to actionVerb
as
Stimulus is to Response
as
Before is to After
as
Monocultural is to Polycultural
as
+Yin is to +Yang/(-,-)Yin balancing
as
+/- Bicameral Owl Medicine is to full-bodied Moose Medicine’s
PolyCultural Timeless Party

Uracil articulates Love/Synergy
as Moose dominant positive.

Cytosine articulates Co-Integrative Peace
as Owl precessive/camouflage (shy) positive

Guanine articulates FearMongering
as Moose recessive-negative over-powering

Adenine articulates Anxiety/Anger/Depression
as Owl recessive-oppressed negative.

NounYin evokes VerbYang,
gender and culture equivalency of value

SelfValue emerges through MooseMed progenitive stimulation
with
OwlMeds bicamerally responsive to Other as Worthy,
together
EcoLogical In-Formation bilateral cooperation
network.

This bilaterality of seasoned polynomial language
emerges
assimiliterative enthymematic resonance
with
assimilaterative geometric assonance
regenerating
ecological wisdom compost for optimizing healthy wealth.

To respect
to look back, to regard from our past,
nature’s language is to empathize
with where we have chosen to come from.
To reconnect/repassion nature’s language,
inclusive of human,
but not so much dominated thereby,
is to empathize with Other’s basic right of freedom
toward positive dynamic functionality
for regenerative cooperation,
synergetic health,
love.

Owl’s YinYin Medicine for balancing eco-normics
is progenitive/precessive
toward
Yang Moose Medicinal PolyCultural Political Power
inclusive of all Earth’s universal positive healthy nature.

Cooperative economic peace is to yin’s Owl Medicine
as ecompassionate political power is to yang’s Moose Medicine.

We co-mentor
seeing
smelling
hearing
tasting
touching
feeling
absorbing
racing
engendering
comprehending
regenerating
Earth and Other as Yangprocessive-Yinrecessive Full-Fractal Harmonics,
not so much climatic Yang Left-brain domination,
but not too Yin Right-brain politically struggling shy of healthy ego/eco balanced esteem.

PostMillennial Taoists
cognize balance speaking through all Nature’s Earth-bound voices,
Nature does not always speak YinKin kind,
but Earth is not so Yang unkind either,
in full-double Namaste resonant response.

Spiritual Subjects are to Natural Objects
as
Before is to After
as
Monocultural Political Language is to Polycultural EcoNormic Outcomes
as
PreMillennialism is to Post-Polypathic Millennialism
as
Struggling-Against Contentious Living co-arises Struggling-With Contented Loving
as
Bicameral Function co-arises Positive In-Formating Regeneration
as
Becoming is to Being

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Work and Play

Suffering and depression,
repression and suppression,
are monocultural yet environmental work;

While interdependent mania,
sublimation and enlightenment,
comprehensive consciousness,
are polycultural play.

They mutually inform,
ecologically balance,
mind with heart with lung’s full breath economy,
with healthy appetites for eco-optimizing values
across all senses,
blending beauty with knowledge,
taste with touch,
heartache with heart-full nest.

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Love’s Last Litany

I have never known alone
as when I lie next to you.

I have never felt orphaned,
unknown,
alien,
as when cramped within our zoo.

I have only become this dark
when missing not missing you.

I am breathing in
hoping to exhale, all through.
I don’t want to want to hear you
when I look past our sad dark eyes.

I can’t bear to sing this song
slow dancing echoed sighs.

I don’t want to be this anymore
becoming drawn to close my door.

If you can love me as I am
please help me find breath’s floor.

I don’t want to play house anymore,
my soul wilts in air this poor.

I don’t want to want to breathe us anymore.

I can’t want to breathe this evermore.

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Dearest Cooperative Ego

When Oliver dropped out of high school, after his sophomore year, he went to UConn. We never understood why, other than the obvious, that the main campus was our back yard, and he didn’t like to drive, or use toilets outside our home.

He thought the whole academic degree industry was suspiciously rooted in Win-Lose Game Theory assumptions, which didn’t necessarily have to be true if we would all just wake up some morning and decide to go with Win-Win instead. Even so, he sailed through his GED exams and then spent over a year deciding whether to take some classes at UConn, or just continue writing prose and lyrics and gaming on-line with his intercontinental team, with a representative from each populated continent except Africa–an exception that he found not just irritating but actually embarrassing.

About the time he was deciding not to go back for his junior year, Oliver shared his “Dear Ego” letter with me. We were both surprised, I think, because he almost never wanted me to read his work, or play, as he preferred to think of it. But, this one he correctly thought I would find helpful:

Dear Ego

Please notice that “evil” is not only “live” spelled backwards, but it also is backward, or the reverse of, healthy living.

You do your evil, not-live, acts to test me, to learn justice, when you are wise enough to listen to our eco-logical response.

You evil out of ignoring y/our larger interdependent identity, to discover your individual and collective responsibilities, potential integrity, how and when and whom both live and not-live choices coalesce and differentiate.

Evil is about what and whom we don’t do and become that we could do, we could become, with sufficient power, individually and collectively.

You do not do evil to learn the causes and effects of generosity, to uncover our individual v. collective accountability for gratitude, for mutual redemption.

You both do and do not evil to mutually mentor fair balance of redemptive generosity, mercy, kindness, giving care, nurturing; to evolve Us, your SuperEco Co-Intelligence, to proactively practice peaceful resolutions, love’s fully inclusive resonance through time’s healing, synergy’s revolution.

You and I deliver this not-live evil of climatic competitive transactions, relationships,to spring loose love’s cooperative Boddhisatva Occupation of Earth’s eco-logically harmonious co-arising habitat.

Namaste my Beloved Sub-Climaxing Community.

Your Left-Hand Dominant Right Brain,

SuperEco Elder

 

I don’t know if this was a suicide note, or why I found this copy in front of his cold not-living, but still generously beautiful, body. It’s not even clear to me that Oliver’s death was a suicide, at least not as we usually understand this violence and sadness and despair against one’s future.

The medical examiner said he had never seen anything like it, although he had read an account of a chronically depressed dolphin living in captivity, who signed farewell to a favorite caregiver and then simply stopped inhaling air. Apparently that’s what Oliver did, or chose to not do anymore.

I miss Oliver’s deep beauty, his humor, brilliant integrity, even his profound sadness about our climatic disarray, our chronic insufficiency of loving the cooperative juice of eco-logical health flowing through his veins and neural system.

How I wish that I could redeem his not-live lack of healthy loving environment enough to persuade him to take in one more breath. But, Oliver was always like that. Not confidant that he deserved to breathe the polluted air he inherited from me, from us, from our choices.

I wish we had planted trees together. It was lonely planting that weeping willow in the ashes of his cooperative evil choice.

 

 

 

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Haunting Endless Waves

What co-arises together
must co-exhale to part.

Last night my HIV+ hunted down my negative,
my darkside,
death and fear,
my anger about my mortality,
my greater anger about our mortality as a species,
my greatest anger about our mortality as Earth’s DNA/RNA Tribes of Life,
that we all are so wrong and pointless
given limitations of our time’s memory
riding,
hiding,
hunting inside our skin
for how to not let this incarnate hunt ever end.

Yet, with dawn’s light,
solely this haunting by endless nothingness,
as if we had never become, so never been,
this fear of death and anger against its organic final demand,
we hope to end
with seamless faith in eternally timeless ego-identity.

Where did this ego emerge from?
Endless nothingness?
Or, a paradise womb of cooperative eco-normics,
eco-logically self-optimizing nutritional health,
perfect temperature care,
nurturing co-abundance
between this seed of ego and this Mother Earth Elder EcoSystem,
sufficient well-being wealth
which, as decomposed,
became exegetical syntax,
elements with dynamic flows and functions
progenerated by co-arising gravity of time’s folding
and refolding revolutions,
the stardust structure of Father Time’s seasonal
reasonal
primally relational language.

How do we ecologically reason and induce,
expand and contract,
regenerate and decompose,
produce and consume,
this emergent hypothesis about ego’s deadly nondual co-arising,
inevitability?
Just how frightening and maddening is this,
to embrace
absorb
devour
soak up
co-prehend
co-science
co-arise to co-decompose
integrative/disintegrative folds
of cosmologically progenitive
dual-destiny transparent
Eco-Time’s co-arising/co-densing identity?

Those who surf our co-arising together

learn to co-exhale dismount
to co-arise the waves of future’s time
now always co-densively logic-present.

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Positive EcoTherapeutic Outcomes: Cost Analysis

My long-winding EcoTherapist began:

Dialectic Behavioral Therapy sees Stimulus/Response
both forward and backward in time,
to look for thoughts and feeling tipping points
toward more harmonic confluence,
resonant and requisite proportional behaviors
and imaginings
of what may be justly and non-violently discerned
for future reference.

Meanwhile,
Compassion Therapy looks within these same S/R behavioral events,
reconnecting “SuperEgo” role as eco-logical teacher,
to evolve and mentor our mutual invite,
to respond with equivalent compassion,
react with mindfulness of Ego’s holonic
and mutual
and ubiquitously coincidental Prime Relationship
with EcoTao-centered Reason, Intent, Wisdom,
word choice,
feeling,
optimally receiving LeftBrain’s Natural Law deducted principles
of Right-At-Home compassionate ecotherapeutic orthopraxis.

Between collective manically competitive hysteria
and suicidal absorption toward depressive self-intent
Lies Tao’s Wisdom Midway,
bicamerally balancing between
schizophrenic bipolar self-absorption
into the godhead of Universal Intelligence,
and paranoid messages from Evil
that “Ego” is at grave risk
of both short- and long-term economic
and bi-0-logical extinction.

Between these way-too-polypathic extremes
lies polyculturing compassion
for human natural systems
both within–YangEgo,
and without–YinEco.

Fair trade cost for ecotherapeutic outcomes
is the ecojustice we redemptively invest
give-forward, fore-give
within ourselves,
each Other,
and Solar Systemic Earth’s regenerate destiny,
as teacher,
mutual listener,
and Beloved.

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