Uncategorized

Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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Uncategorized

When I Was Eight

I owned a warm breezed first Spring day
in radiantly refulgent sun
between billowed cumulative clouds
white as sailing sheets
on our vibrating
shaking and tugging cotton clothesline
swaying multi-colored tops
and sun bleached blue jean bottoms.

Like God,
I looked curiously
benignly
warmly down

As industrious ants
with apparently urgent missions
I would never learn how to assign
chewed and sniffed their singular ways
through a forest of shading grass
over dappled shadow soil

Vibrant blades of pointed grass
as tall as trees to ambitious worker ants
sometimes militaristic
but now peacefully recovering
discovering thawed warm roots
of cooperative deep dark Earth.

I could not own a wealthier Spring day
except just now,
at sixes with seven,
often remembering this polished day
and night dreamed moment
beside breeze blown white sailing ships
of sun-scent cotton state
breathing in under first fresh cut lawn
to notice how wee ants live
side-by-side
refurbishing
rubbing up against and with
warm lamped memories

Recreating paths
by imaginatively embodying them
yet again

This first-owned warm Spring breeze
of wistful
divine memory.

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Wishing Different Ways

As painful as your transparency is,
I appreciate the integrity you have found
To say this parting of shared habituations
has moved from temporary
to permanent
for you;
for us.

I would have preferred a resurrection
from temporary separation
to permanent mutual admiration,
but I trust you, too,
prefer this shared dream
no longer accessible
to wounded hearts.

I have loved you,
I do love you,
but I have hurt you
perhaps with more wounding skill
than my younger compassion found thrill.

For these deep wounds where you,
we,
need trust,
I regret,
apologize,
Would create healing repairs
through better bilateral winning communication,
as possible,
invited,
cooperatively embraced.

For love invested
I have no apology,
no regret,
no worries about less than abundant warm compassion returns,
revolutions,
deep resonance with Earth’s eternally revolving womb,
timeless culture promoting health,
best practiced when
and where
and while we find regenerating passions,
synchronic wealth.

I realize you are not seeking
warm embraces from some Other future lover;
nor am I.

And yet,
should your Right path offer a renewing embrace
I would share your joy in responding “Yes!”

And, should this miracle
descend upon bald and wrinkled me,
or even us
in some future unfinishable life,
I hope you will want no more or less
than a joyous part
of our continuously extending Family
Of warm-felt relationship
association
friendship
kinship,
sacred communion.

That LeftBrain said,
my RightBrain has a farewell duet with Chris Walker:
How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
(revised and condensed, lightly)

“I can’t believe what I just heard
Could it be true
Are you the guy I thought I knew
The one who promised me true love

Where did it go
Does anybody ever know

How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never beat this much again
Oh no
I just can’t let go

How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never love this much again
Oh no
Tonight I’ll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I’ll pretend to let you go

And were we ever what we seemed
Or were we just fools
Who fell in love
Each with his own dream
And now you say you want to leave
Start a new life today
Those words I thought you’d never say

Tonight I’ll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I’ll pretend to
Wake and put it all behind me
And find that I have finally found

A new life
In my soul
And find that I know how to let you go
You go

How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never love this much again
You go

Tonight I’ll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I’ll pretend to
Wake and put it all behind me
And find I know how to let us go.”

 

 

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Uncategorized

2020 ReWeaving Vision

Speaking With NonBully VoiceBoxes

Dissociative injustice,
like racist slurs and disinvestments,
retributive oppression
for not being SWM enough,
has ecological roots
in LeftBrain anthro/ego-centered fruit
of fragile disconnected autonomy,
against all competing odds
still struggling to win
against all other elitist competitors
for greatest capital gains
over losses.

Here,
in RightWing militarized marching squares,
LeftBrain monocultural EitherNature/OrSpirit dualisms
place anthropocentric narcissists
at the SWM Western apex
of a cognitive/emotive intelligence pyramid,
made in Father God’s whitest image,

Privileging SWMs over not-SWM also-rans,
and championing all loyal
trustworthy
humane Earth residents
as endemic only to USA
RedWhiteBlue
PatrioticLoyalTrue nationalists
jingoists
immorally and anti-redemptively overruling
the dark remainder
of ecofeminist systemically entrained
bonded
compassionate
warm and wet EarthWomb-inspired consciousness;

Lacking the LeftBrain verbal communication obsession
to imagine only the idea of God
as Other than self-identifying Gaian nurture presence,
health advocate
true defender of nutritional wealth.

Reflected in each holy living system,
a co-passioned win/win expression of,
and participation in,
this ongoing Great Transformation
of Gaia’s rebirth into indigenous LeftBrain consciousness
of RightBrain’s interdependent faces
resisting Earth HealthLoss
and mortal EgoLoss,

Gaia’s sacredly immanent warmth
required to feel safely connected
to cognitive/affective resonance
with Earth’s secular/sacred balancing climates
of yesterday,
and tomorrow.

With that said,
we warmly invite ourselves to ask:

How has my own eco/theo-logical
and anti-logical dialogue
with co-emergent God/MotherEarth relationship
entrained
double-bonded
constrained within internal/external holy communion
articulating global ecosystemic metaphors
favoring all communicating healthy,
nurturing,
nutritious
warm co-presence?

Yet, how do we still struggle with win/win active hope
left/right
west/east
north/south challenges, appositional
(both/and, not only either/or oppositional),
yang/yin competitions?

In this LeftBrain dominant RightWing USA
or the HighWay monoculture,
insufficiently responsive
to our ego and environmental health crises
overpopulating and carbon-burning Gaia’s former wealthy climate,
now facing self-effacing lose/lose trend-analysis
without healthy communication
of cognitive and emotive democratic co-authorizing resonance
today.

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Uncategorized

DisOrganized Religion

As traumatized as I am
by the history of organized elitist creeds,
including religious and judicial,

I am even more terrified
by my experience of disorganized natural spirituality,
dissociated bicamerality,
unenchanting mono-laterality,
win/lose egocentrism,
narcissism,
lose/lose climates of nihilism,
anthropocentrist chauvinism,
inhumane unnatural straight white male business as usual supremacy,
left brain dominant elitism.

I get it,
I notice,
unpopular conflict of legitimate interest decisions
have followed win/lose monotheistic
competitive
stress-inducing
sleep-depriving
evolutionary economic modeling
of mortal depression trends,

But,
we could expand this win/lose left-brain dominant assumption
to include confluence of multicultural interests,
multiplication where lies monoculturing divisions,
summations where now lie win or lose negations
of all that lies outside patriarchal structures
of incorporated militarized competitions.

We might, together, warmly notice
chaotic decisions follow monoculturing elitist paths
of least win/lose Business As Colonizing Usual memory patterns.

We might refocus
away from in-toxic-ation with lose/lose mortal nature systems
oppressed by win/lose monopoly, at best, future aggressive prospects
for EgoCenters v EcoEarth natural power economies,
eventual inevitable loss,
depression,
degenerative ultimate pathology trends
of dissociation.

We might notice
who chooses to make elitist SWM corporate
retributive justice decisions.

We might notice,
with more win/win warm empathy,
disproportional placement of military-industrialized young adult wounds,
reducing sacred MotherEarth to a convenient waste disposal site,
natural (so un-spiritual?) resource extraction,
repression,
and anthro-centric theft,
pollution of air,
water,
soil,
left-brain dominant minds,
win/lose informed deformed anti-bodies.

We might notice
several displaced non-elite subcommunities
subclimates suspicious of SWM enculturation
having been history’s stress absorbers,
racist
and elitist
and sexist
and homophobic dissociation,
segregation,
apartheid,
non-elite capital income prejudice
and win/lose ecopolitical perpetuation,
limited win/win communication access,
left/right co-empowerment life-skills,
co-relational peace intelligence,
co-empathic intention toward healthiest wealth,

We might win/win notice
limited access to mind and body health resources,
assurances,
restorations,
reweavings,
regenerations of integral wealth and value polities

Listening with more multicultural right-brain intelligence
and speaking with less monocultural left-brain verbal dominance,
on behalf of noticing
rigvht’brain’s long matriarchal ecofeminist herstory
of interdependent
domestically and globally intersectional metaphor,
poly-paradigmatic health systems
for win/win EarthMother thrival.

We might notice
this 2020 bicameral revolution
revisions every win/lose Business As Usual
systemic thing

Into an interdependently living
organic
global, yet universal
integral
synergetic
multicultural communication
co-relational
regeneratively resilient
energy democracy.

As traumatized as I am
by the history of organized religion,
I am even more terrified
by Earth’s subclimate of succeeding spiritually
without also winning EarthRight naturally.

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Uncategorized

Blackest Fragile Friday

Black Friday,
iconic of Climate Fragility,
is designed to transition retail
from red
to black
end of year balance sheets.

Black Friday
is black
good
wealthy
robust
from a competitive corporate perspective.

What feels too seldom noticed,
This capital-acquisition game
is played with ZeroSum win/lose assumptions:

Retail corporations
are more likely to go richly black
as consumer households,
especially marginally surviving households,
urban apartheid neighborhoods,
rural failing family farms,
reach into shallowing pockets
to risk red indebted shortfall,
unhoused lack of holds.

To align our ecopolitical color scheme,
black incorporated economic privilege
is fed by red consumer fragility
as white political privilege
feeds on black and brown
and cooperative rainbow fragility.

One of the ways
we can remember this color scheme,
no paranoid pun intended,
is through a song,

Red and yellow,
black and white,
these are diversely precious
in His Straight White Male sight

ReIncorporated Capital-Infested God
loves all consumers
of the NonZeroSum WinWin
global market world.

This version suffers
from unlyrical challenges,
yet it still has a Black Friday ring
to cash re-registering around us.

The title of this song escapes me,
Was it
He’s Got the Whole World in His Corporation
or Shop Til We Drop?

The squirrels must think we’re nuts,
especially on Black Friday.

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Optimizing WinWin Gratitude

This holistic position
simultaneously invites co-passion
and celebrates becoming ever more compassionate,

Inspired that Earth stewards hope to rightly balance
human relationships
with our wider ecological responsibilities.

These right relationships
and EarthCentered responsibilities
need not compete
with more anthropocentric views
of care-giving and -receiving rights
within theologically reasoned
and sensed,
thought and felt, responsibilities to Earth’s wealth
of health.

How I rightfully invest in family
and friends
and vocation
operates integrally
(not disassociated from)
with being
and becoming
a healthy resilient
and wealthy resonant
Earth organic energy system,
one identifiable ZeroSoul
interdependently individuated,
and yet still individuating.

Because humans are sacred sons and daughters
of matriarchal EarthWombs,
and DNA strictures within health strands
and maternal histories rebirthing toward future regenerations,
unbroken webs of intersectional win/win interests,
bleeding our past for mistakes
and breeding our future healthiest opportunities

EarthRights
predict humanely informed Sanctuaries,
prophesy invited Green organic
global and individual intentions
toward Win/Win Green Sanctuaries,

Shared sacred
safely invested
places and times
co-owned and eco-managed
where now lie more disassociated apartheid communities
of diverse idolatrous/industrial bodies
associations/disassociations
divisions/multiplications
corporations/decapitations
organic and mechanical
divine and robotic
complex and chaotic
unitarian networks and universal bosons,
exterior ecosystems and interior egocenters
compassioning timeless EarthWombed gratitude.

Compassion is not a fixed state,
not a property I can autonomously own;
As gratitude is verb of positive emergence,
a property we can only cooperatively co-own
as perpetually timeless
and yet momentarily eternal
becoming together
compassions
rooted in songs and dances
unfinishable
this side of Earth’s death.

This holistic life position
simultaneously activates love’s compassion fruit
and celebrates becoming ever more well-being
ego/eco-passionate.

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