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Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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Too Long Past Due

What’s the point of suicide
when I feel already dead inside?

Too long past due
pulling breath’s last plug
last gasp
last primal scream
for and against capital colonizing campaigns
but acted out in dizzying silent mime,
rumored to be a scary thing
this last big surrendering event
before unconsciousness
of changing time
marching inevitably forward
and backward,
out
and back in
until no more back
or in.

But what frightens this fading identity most,
No one will know a difference,
notice I’m different,
least of all
decaying from within
me.

Already unconscious
subconscious,
merely skirting conscious life
precedes flirting with absence of awareness,
burning bridges
pulling life plugs
turning out my lights
already too dark to hear
fear memories
too alarming to feel
images
too disarming to care for power
for light

Too defining
future past experience
enlightening
too long
refining
past due
healing
organic capital investments
ourselves
too long overdue.

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Uncategorized

Blah Friday

I need a vacation
from vacation unbreaks.

Bad Friday
falls seven days after spring break begins,
Which is a break for some kids
and teachers without kids,
but not for grandpa parent me,
and my sociopathic daughter,
who needs the structure of small
specialized classrooms
to get through her most resilient day.

It feels healing to step outside
into softer breezy voices
green with overly optimistic promise
that Everythin gonna be aright.

Rain threatens
yet wide patches of sky blue
promise western horizon hope,
for now

Faith that tomorrow,
which feels unforgivingly far from Now,
yet stuck in Here,
I will wake to compassionate forgetfulness,
lack of memory
of nearly all black bleak Fridays
transpired,
de-valued by my owned
and negligently managed
lack of parental investment
in larger self/other care;
that old ego/eco-balancing
narrow-way game.

Tomorrow,
just another Saturday/Sunday weekend,
between BadFriday wounds
and rainy Monday
school day blues
and jazz dance in the garden
with a Great Turning shovel.

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Lonely Nest

Loneliness,
of individuals,
families,
communities
and nation-states,
leads insufficient capacity
to prophecy everyone’s collective interdependence,
and thereby remains partially blind
to Win/Win optimal health/wealth outcomes,
which could not be monopolized
by experiential loneliness
felt internal monocultural sadness.

By inviting risk to shift,
nudge,
notice personal/political Lose/Lose depreciations,
bucket lists of long-standing tensions
causing unhealthy cognitive/affective dissonance
unresiliently stuck in slow ego-depreciating mortality,
absence of furthering resilient appreciative-inquiry belonging
within this
and each
and every
timeless Win/Win left-brain fragmenting
ego-prominent compassion-nest
self/other-perpetuating cooperative polypaths
implied within each unprophetic deeply pre-ingested
re-ingesting healthy/wealthy moment,

Irrational spiraling not not ego/ecotherapeutic self-care,
a dynamic healing ZeroZone
away from repressive solid OneNest walls
of silently atoning loneliness,
onelinest
healthy hoping toward impressive implicit webs
for pregnant metaphoric
meteoric Earthiness,
EarthTribe nest.

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Too Long Winter

In long winters
when curious bears hibernate,

When even those few songbirds left behind
are stoically silent
at their least amorous time,

When uneven bare trees and bushes
retire into aptic
dormant
deep naked entropy,

It is sadly seasonally appropriate
to barely live outside robotic,
lethargic,
frozenly mechanistic
and yet deeply empathic,
simultaneously.

Then springs Spring!
Let synaptic mania
swell up again,

Open the windows
and darkening doors
to set this home and love
in fresh-incoming order

Resiliently resonant enough
to last through sweltering dog days
of co-empathic musky slumbering
buzzing
drowsy summer,
fat with greens
united,
and not uncuriously uniform.

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Uncategorized

The Neighbor’s Wife

He’s been struggling with depression,
She said, so then have I.

It’s our bad news
that competing depressions
breed more contagiously
than our cooperative feeding happiness.

Yet our good news grows:
Depression and positive impression
are equally contagious passions
pastimes
eruptions into changing flowstreams of consciousness,
evolving conscientiousness,
naked intention,
interdependent awareness,
enchantment and disenchanting stories,
natural causes spiriting effects causing co-acclimating affects,
positive and negative passions,
pressures,
impressions,
compression.

I’ve been struggling against his self-repression,
she said,
so then he worries about his oppressive powers
financial and political and emotional,
physical and mental.

He doesn’t hit me
or any sentient being
but scares me when he hits
and manhandles against his phone,
kicks against his car,
strikes against his walls and doors and windows,
his property he most interdependently cares about,
relies upon.

This chronic environment of fear,
seeing his violent anger
causes our climate anxiety
and a lack of safely transparent expression,
chronic non-vulnerable repression.

The difference between my suppressed fear feelings
of repression
and his depressed anger feelings,
threatening to disinvest oppression
despite his great attraction to Us,
is a real-talk difference
only if we both know
we are each free to affordably leave,
cut our future health-opportunity losses,
without threat of violent and impoverishing repercussions.

While a free Get Out Of Jail card
and a blinking Safe Exit sign
over our back doors
and front doors
and aside windows
are not much for sharing journeys toward active compassion,
co-operative wonder,
interactive awe,
mutual health and happiness,
prosperous food for mental fitness,
Yet neither is flood insurance
a sign of bad faith in safe and dry land
mutually affordable re-assurance.

Oppression
is aggressive repression
without freedom to exit

And ego repression
is eco-systemic depression
without mutual freedom to catch and re-catch compassion
with and for each faithful interdependent Other,
sentient and sensed as a safe alliance
for absorbing resonance

And practicing mutual reliance,
practicing re-alliance,
practicing integrity of positive contagious co-passions.

Negative depressions stem from lonely longing
origins internal and external,
As positive impressions
grow from practiced compassion,
Solidarity belonging and bred
within eco-cooperative fed
root nutritional systems,

Fitness energy for actively appreciating
each wounded and wounding Other,
including hims
and hers,
transparently discussing fist-vulnerable hands
and heads,
and stomping, kicking feet,
and bad-news phones
and unreliable cars
and imprisoning homes
and patriarchal supremacists

As if all lives
and interdependent relationships
mattered
for continuing depressive competitions
and for altering impressive cooperations.

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Uncategorized

EarthBalloon Economics

WinWin Balloon EcoPolitics
for growing community health,
said the EarthBalloon economist,
is most effectively improved
by focusing on the bottom
of Earth’s sacred communal balloon,
accepting shared responsibility
for those stuck in ground floor economies
of chronic survival issues,
perpetually repeating despairing depressed circles,

Rather than ignoring root communal problems
to focus on further elevating
the top tier of this our communal balloon,
with counter-historical faith
in trickle-down eco-power distribution theories
of Win or Lose evolution.

Imagine a balloon stuck to a revolutionary universal floor
with wild crazy glue,
prohibiting change in altitude
and positive evolving attitude.

As we pull from the top, hoping to increase freedom,
the bottom front-line becomes most immediately stressed
to survive this more acute chronic health threat
to the whole balloon system.

In between,
our communal balloon stretches out,
so our middling classes become thinner
and the distance between the top privileged one-percent tier,
within our opulent embrace,
and our stuck, comparatively neglected, bottom bitters
grows as we continue with Win/Lose business as usual
competition with invisible Winner Takes All glue,
holding on to dysfunctional threats
against our communal balloon’s healthy
holistically elastic
dynamic
interdependently co-related
co-passioning systemic structure.

However,
if we Win/Win absorb Win/Lose gaming glue
enough to loosen it’s autonomous defensive grip
we can lift our recovering chronically stressed bottom
of this healthier climate balloon.

As bottom outlyers of our communion life
increasingly harmonize voices,
we bring along all our EarthBalloon’s residents

Slowly growing resilient health outcomes
from the most stressed bottom
of our ecopolitical global communion
until more circular overall balance
between outside and inside climate pressures
optimize health buoyancy of our entire
now lifting,
more light-hearted,
balloon communion.

Systemic communal health care decreases
as we competitively continue to focus on narcissistic hopes
of our too wealth hoarding
too freely Win/Lose privileged elite.

Instead,
elevating improvements change communal elastic health-wealth systems
filling out better balanced,
securely mature,
conserved by liberally lifting love intent
with those chronically struggling
for natural/spiritual climate survival
at the bottom of our ecopolitical
robustly elastic
health-empowering
EarthBalloon.

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