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Deep Primal Valleys

She darkly dreams in Anger Valley
discovered shortly after
Fear uncovered
by floating langorously downstream
to leave behind red hot footprints
of childhood work
and play
and pray for change,
health,
win/win co-passion healing,

Or terror aggressively swims upstream Fear
to warn future angels of light
against win v lose zero-sum evolving valleys
theoretically coming, climaxing frequent culture

Streams of chronic militarized lose/lose outcomes,
AngryGuilt and TerroristPanic,
predator v prey EarthClimate degenerations;

All regenerate Rapture hopes,
carelessly abandoned,
neglected,
dissociated,
disembodied abstractions
disarray
chaos.

Where first generation fear
predicts second generation anger
then moves forward
in ego-defying perpetuity,
self-fulfilling oppositional prophecies,

I can hate you
before you hate me more,

Only left-brain might makes RightWing reactions
against cooperative democratic
healthy
resilient
resonant
regenerative trust.

OverYang oppressions deny less frightened options
of Left with Right mutual multicultural balance,
deductive historic thoughts
with inductive cultural feelings,

Polypathic integrity,
secular with sacred PassionValleys,
NaturalPersons
with Ancient Originating DePersonalizing Spirit,
Ego within Ecological EarthResonance:

Primal ZeroZone Theology
flowing langorously/passionately
down and up YinValleys

Of Anger is
to reason
as Fear is
to passion.

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Uncategorized

Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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Uncategorized

Inclusive Epiphany

Your euphony
sounds like my epiphany
he explicitly noted.

Your polypathic resilience
feels like my polyphonic resonance
she compassionately warmed and comforted,
nurtured and nutritioned.

Your theologically divine relationships,
progressions through historical multicultural experience
think and feel my ecologically natural communions,
processions through polyculturing anticipations,
s/he silently sang,
imaginatively danced,

Not for future performance,
but from past inclusive participations,
investments,
compassionate regenerations,
dispassionate degenerations,
passionate incinerations,

Euphonic epiphanies.

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DoublEdged Prophets

In prophecy
we often fixate
on time’s unprofitable passage,
on degenerative change
on long-neglected reform
on our need to redeem our time
now past.

Yet this notice of opportunities and risks
for future climates of pathology and health
is surrounded by an implicit right-hemisphere awareness,
a felt prophecy
pre-verbal
erupting from compassionate tenacity
of resilient health-wealth Time re-membered,

Matriarchal womb nurtured,
this prophetic nutrition of communal circles
and resonant spirals,
waxing and waning waves
of emotively implied pre-formation,
primal ZeroZone re-attachment
back through
and to
All Souls Yang-unfolding and Yin-refolding
universal and unitarian
strong-flowing
prophetic TaoTime;

Time tenaciously prophetic,
compassionately redeveloping integrity of health re-connected with wealth
left rationality with right synergy
polypathic thought with polyphonic feeling;

Courageous Either/Or with curious Both/And
ego/eco-logic;
Vulnerable with Transparent
prophetic polyculturing communication.

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Identity Issues and Opportunities

I asked my neurologist

So what would happen
if I suddenly switched from egocentric Left-hemisphere dominant identity
toward ecocentric Right-hemisphere prominent bilateral individuation
mutually refining co-arising thought/felt relationships,
sensory nutritional and/or toxic predominance.

Not to worry,
responds my socio-therapist,
You would probably notice,
possibly with some disappointment,
you are the same ego health centered identity
but now you have an entire planet of extended family
sharing cooperatively-owned and -managed EarthTribe
living in claustrophobic global climate
closing down healthy climax freedom
time of historic anthropocentric degeneration.

So, I gain kinship with the organic energy systems of Earth
but distracted by win/lose competitive capitalistic games
edging toward total Crash and Burn
while we bow under our competitive classroom desks
in fetal positions
waiting for the nuclear and automated ballistics
to hopefully hit somebody else’s poisoned neighborhood?

Well, that’s one ecosystemic scenario
that might come to lose/lose ego/eco-centered mind,
and don’t forget,
with right-hemisphere prominence,
your new-felt family
will bring you much comfort
in shared misery.

I’d rather join a win/win communion celebration.

More of a restorative potluck banquet?

With lots of singing and dancing.
talking while walking together,
speaking and listening,
planting and harvesting.

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Uncategorized

The Climatic Collaboratory

I don’t recall whose inspired idea it wasn’t
to invite the math professor
into our Therapeutic Collaborative Laboratory.

I do recall when I first heard her speak
of cooperative polynomial qualities
for improving ego/eco-therapeutic communications.

She was, of course,
in the back of the room.
I noticed her on my way in,
wondering if she might be a drag queen
prepared to go onstage during our Tea Dance,
scheduled much later on this sultry summer day
at Unitarian University,

Where all our truths combined are universal,
and no segregated truth
could possibly be trusted
without timeless collaborative scrutiny,
labored oratory
struggling to survive another day
in this urgent spacetime Laboratory.

I don’t remember
exactly what the facilitator’s question was,
but our topic was how to best quantify
evidence for Continuous Quality Improvement
of HealthCare
for Earth
and for all EarthTribes of interdependently webbing life.

I do remember
she did not raise her hand,
nor ask for the wooden talking stick,
but barged right in and on
as if bottled up impatience
could be spilled
to fill this collaborative space
through time.

“In MacroEconomic studies,
ecological and political resilient health care
empowers optimization
through co-passionate
co-operative
capital-investment,
or at least this seems true
whether inclined toward LeftBrain polypathic
or RightBrain polyphonic, better sung than said, muse-theory.”

Silence ensued
as both our lefts and rights
invited a collaborative exchange
to see if we might individually
and then collectively
make any sense of this,
but she went on to fill this vacuum
with nervous left-brain inferior interior complexities…

“Resilient health care consumer optimization
is also organic health care producer creolization,
together pursuing win/win resonant attachments
best when rooted in trust-based
deep learning cooperative communication”

“But, optimizing such resilience
invites a balanced collaborative event
in which left-hemisphere polypaths
find equal interdependent rights
within not-not co-passionate teachings
against lose/lose degenerative
unnatural
untruth trends,
AND
right-hemisphere poly-musicians
artistic talent refines win/win regenerative
sacred
co-operative
interdependent
wealth-orchestral trends.”

Such resonance was unprecedented
in our Collaboratory.
Silence,
now compromised by some soft slight snoring sounds,
continued.

“This bilateral balancing algorithmic metaphor
notices Tit for Tat Win/Win game strategies
are left-hemisphere deduced
as either EgoTit or EcoTat,
while our laboratory’s right-hemisphere induces both EgoTit
and EcoTat more heuristically held
in alpha rhythms co-arising integrity
of +1 universal polynomial language
equals (-,-)0-sum-core,
a more co-present uniting interdependent web
of not yet Yang and not yet Yin double boundaries
in our internal yin/yang bilateral spacetime labs

For prime 4D cooperative Tit/Tat
resilient DNA regenerative
optimization trends.”

I don’t recall
if this was the tipping over point I fell asleep
or if I did continue with more lucid notes

“Like the co-passionate original relationship,
health/secular and wealth/sacred co-empowering interrelationships
of thymine and cytosine,
adrenaline and oxytocin,
testosterone and estrogen,
x and y polynomial binomials 1 and 0
ecologically numerological
ego-unitarian integrity
and eco-habitat’s EarthUniverse balance
when (+) equals double-binding binomial (-,-)
interdependently health resilient
cooperatively harmonic,
not so chaotically competitive.”

I turned over
in this Collaborastoried silent rest,
wondering how long before recess
so we could go outside
to sing and Tea Dance
with the drag queen in the back row.

“Resonance, like music,
is not so chaotically competitive
and not so complexly,
darkly negative breeding negative
chronically stubborn left-hemisphere supremacy
secularizing predative either/or thinking
while evolutionary feelings,
if external v internal
then internal v external climates of dissonance, degenerative
mistrust within chronic dominant aggressives,
creating rabidly critical climates
of monoculturing despair,
hopelessness about future resilience
of healthy
humane
democratic
multicultural self/other-governing resonance
of all spacetime Collaboratories.”

It briefly occurred to me,
with some rush of paranoid alarm,
maybe the math professor’s laboratory
has no Off switch.

“Metaphor
within meta-collaboratory systems
within interdependent webs
and strings of bilateral time
and umbilical nature/spirit nutritional cords
of passionate co-attachment relationship
speak and listen back through space
toward our original tipping point
of bilateral co-arising
4Dimensional fractal/octave ZeroZone
timeless
spaceless
not insufficient not time
co-gravitating yang/yin health
found inside regenerative nature/spirit ZeroCore sums
co-arising win/win soul algorithmic networks
curiously exploring integral collaboratory health potential.”

I remember walking out
in side by side silence,
induced by sleep
or seduced by alpha rhythmic slumber
or deduced within Earth’s win/win gaming spacetime
I don’t remember
if the math professor
really was a drag queen,

But, I do remember
she was sitting
then standing,
listening
then speaking
from the back right through left row.

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Listening for Sustainability

My daughter,
with Fetal Alcohol crippling emotional intelligence damage
and Cerebral Palsy perpetual TerribleTwo
“is too many,
because Earth is all about ego-defiant me”
has taught herself
to attach her lips,
and sometimes her wet licking tongue
when she is feeling particularly needy
and/or playful
or maybe just hungry,
to my male dominant capitalist-head
when she needs to feel noticed
attached
connected
invested in
better.

This Saturday morning
she commits the unpardonable sin
of waking up before seven a.m.
Eleven is closer to her business as usual.

After bath and costuming,
both accomplished with as little support from me,
autonomously distracted, as possible,
she goes to our kitchen
to watch her favorite animated song and dance loops
on It’s All About You
Tube.

I am hanging out with my son,
also with cerebral palsy,
but unable to walk without balancing assistance
and unable to talk in either direction,
talk back or proclaim forth,
which is more his sister’s favorite skill set.

After a few minutes
of only slightly compromised peace
this sunny summer Saturday morning,
the daughter comes in
to demand her support staff (me)
prepare her royal breakfast (immediately).

I invite her to self-serve.

She says No!
repeatedly
while I remind her
she is capable of going to the freezer,
extracting one microwave pancake and sausage
on a stick,
wrapping it in one square of paper towel,
opening the microwave door,
placing it on the rotating glass plate inside,
closing the door,
pushing 1, 0, 0,
waiting for the ding,
and removing her breakfast by holding the stick,
waiting for it to cool,
removing the paper towel,
and devouring the pancake,
then the sausage,
as usual.

She responds
I want you to do it.

I respond
I want you to do it.

“No, Help me!”

“I am helping you!”

“No!
You do it; not me!”

“Why?”

“Because I”m watching my tablet.”

“And I’m trying to meditate
and write!”

“No! Help me!”

So, I ask for a time out.
We have been at this same impasse countless times.
It’s a ritual,
obsessive and compulsively lose/lose.
We are both not listening
while we are also not meditating
and watching
and writing healthier song and dance stories.

What’s happening here?
You know you can make your own breakfast.
Is this about not wanting to be alone?
Do you want me to show you
how crazy I am about you?

“Can I have a kiss?”

And then we do the “my lips on your head”
And “my head on your lips” ritual.
I give her a back and shoulder massage
while she has her therapeutic attachment breakfast.

My daughter smiles,
leaves the room without further demands,
goes back to the freezer,
pulls out a Blanketed Pig
on a stick…

I go back to writing
about resilience
and remediating potential lose/lose Earth climates
and emotionally cooperative reparations.

My son goes back to sleep,
having had a good belly laugh
at our curiously outspoken craziness,
reminding me
Curiosity is a more effective left-hemisphere tool
than working hard to feel right-hemisphere patience
in the face of apparent weapons
wielded by alien win/lose forces
in an otherwise win/win potentiated
interactive ego/eco-system.

He sits up,
groaning
repeatedly,
until I re-emerge
aware
He needs a diaper change,
on this peaceful sunny summer Saturday morning
riding still-revolving climates of Earth
re-creating green-blue-red
ultra-nonviolent win/win living systems
of actively communicating co-enlightenment.

Maybe we’ll have lunch on the backyard deck
under our barn red umbrella
as the Thames River continues to flow downstream
from northern stars
toward southern sun sustaining states.

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