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AgapeMind and ErosBody

It is my intimate physicality,
genderality,
sexual identity,
homonality,
juiciality of love,
Yang-fused Eros rather than a less intensely elational Yin-Agape,
troubling me,
remaining dissonantly articulating
through aging bones of mind and body,
Theorem and Proof,
this despairing of time and place
for expanding mutual reincarnating future loves.

Love as integrity of touch and addictive hypnosis
co-arising Ego’s synergetic nurture,
feeding and fueling nature’s beloved Other,
within PrimalPair frames,
Coupling communicators and regenerators,
mutually fusing Eros,
exploring our integrally intimate co-incarnating Agape.

My youngest son has cerebral palsy
which has limited his mind’s capacity to understand and form abstractions,
such as language,
yet he well understands nurturing v. pathological relationships.

I wonder what distinctions between Yang’s Eros and Yin’s Agape
lie within this my love’s perfection Son?
His responses to life’s variables and constants
remain both uninformed by,
and therefore unrestricted by,
love’s metaphysical abstractions
about what our relationship could look and feel and smell and taste like tomorrow
that would distinguish imagined differences
from how we feel together today.

This perpetual youth of love’s human incarnation
cannot age and learn and develop into diffusion
and dissonance of his body’s response to Eros-Yang
and his mind’s resonance with Agape-Yin Self with Yin-Other
primal WinWin love relationship.

My nondually both kind and unkind Taoist Master Son,
icon of coarising Eros/Agape,
is LeftBrain nonlanguaged, non-dominant,
enculturing love of yet more synergetic organic healthy love,
as best he can recover this Golden Fleece of internal/external climate balance.

If his body feels good and healthy
his mind feels this truth as richly contenting beauty,
fertile synergetic whole (0)sum-ness,
cognitive symmetry as affective integrity.

He dreams in Eros
as he wakes to Agape v. Pathology
within his Beloved EarthTribes
communicating through networks of fertile resonance,
and occasional wilting, dissonant climatic issues,
internal seizures,
and sometimes blaring loud angry frightened mouths
he has no desire to comprehend
as anything other than cause for further laughter,
where Eros and Agape practice divine comedy co-creation stories
to unfold later.

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Mastering Public Administration

A few decades ago
I learned a Master of Public Health v Pathology Administration
recognizes best opportunities emerge
by co-evolving cooperative mastery of private-public nonduality,
lovely political truths
shyly hiding within nature’s polycultural economic
self-as-other co-facilitation of evolution.

When I lapse into hoping we maybe could competitively
either-or campaign
our democratic republic way
toward optimal both-and
bicamerally healthy cooperative political and/or economic outcomes,
then I remember
as we sow our seeds
so shall we reap
two and four and six more years of climatically despairing competition.

Therapies, medicines, treatments, services, policies, projects, programs
that cannot become,
with co-mentoring sustenance,
self-administered for self-as-other regenerative health perpetuation,
are, at best, suboptimal short-term solutions
toward more optimally healthy and stable resonant resolutions,
with eyes on long-term prize of self-perpetuating political as economic,
personal as public,
within as without,
confluently robursting self-care governance.

When discovering disagreements
to motivate the Competitor’s loss
becomes more politically
and/or economically
and/or ecologically important
than recovering co-facilitated agreements
and equities
and healthy balance,
to co-facilitate our cooperative WinWin,
as does too often appear to have been our PreMillennial LoseLose trend,
then we end up
where we start out
crying our ego-manic political and economic heart pout.

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Political Ecology of Economics

If time is money
then time is capital
so maybe healthy time could also become capitalized wealth.
If money is a token of time’s value
and capitalism commodifies time’s human value,
then human values commodify equitable,
as well as more competitive, investments
in Self and Others
as Earth’s EcoTribal Cooperative.

Capitalism of wealth distorts cooperativism,
healthy political and economic balance.
Like its anthrocentric enculturing fuel,
capitalism diverts human evolution toward accumulating tokens of value
rather than developing ever deeper and wider relationships,
transactions with health as wealth enhancing outcomes.

A form of idolatry,
capitalism substitutes quantitative commodity
where once lived stronger-rooted qualitative values
within our co-evolving EarthTribe Commons.

Capitalism is economic totalitarianism,
ruling over cooperatively healthy values
made possible by our historical monocultural devolution
wherein ego-nomics dominates eco-nomics,
reductive anthro-hypnotism rules over sustaining permacultural balance of Self,
cooperating with, as part of, human natured Others,
cooperating with, as part of, Earth’s bilaterally nondual coarising ecosystemic nature.

A balance of Earth’s ecological values redundantly appears,
reiteratively polypaths,
polymorphically polycultures healthy outcomes
as revolutionary longing for equity predicts evolutionary belonging
within mutuality, equity, integrity, rather than disengaged ownership,
commodification of biosystemic value,
hubris of domestication,
proprietary distortions of perpetual balancing wu wei
midway between human ego-anthro centric nature
and EarthTribal ecosystemic nature
of SpaceTime’s evolving-revolving light-dark nurturing nutritional values.

Capital and life invested in social political and economic-ecological cooperation
produces healthier outcomes for Earth, human nature, and ego natures.
A reverse corollary,
ego’s competitive investment in accumulation of capital,
commodities,
owning and controlling,
powering over our mutually-held investment in Earth’s redolent evolution,
interdependent, integral integrity of healthy values,
produces short-term monocultural gains
coarising long-term polycultural losses of healthy wealth.

None of this implies that capitalism,
or competition or wealth accumulation,
is intrinsically evil.
All of this intends to counterbalance each of these with elements
too systemically suppressed for sustainable viability
of individual egos and social anthrosystems,
and Earth’s ecosystems.
We are now growing more cooperative health investment,
equity of both time (what we do with our days and minds and bodies)
and money
to nondually coarise Earth’s great and small transactional,
transitional,
transformative futures.

If you, like I,
respond to, “What brings you most economic pleasure?”
differently than
“What brings you most ecological pleasure,
truth and beauty, agape within nature’s aesthetic pleasures?”
then we continue our discernment into why and how
our healthy nature pleasures are and are not
redundantly articulating our wealthiest co-investment nurtures.

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Virgin Soils

According to Truth As Beauty EarthOccupier Rob Brezsny,
the original intent of “virgin”
unfolds as “complete unto herself.”

And so it is,
I pray and primally celebrate
waking into each of Earth’s days
a virgin,
once again.

Holonically complete,
one of Earth’s human language seeds,
bowing to north as notnot south,
east as not yet completely Western red sky dominated
by fears and angry climatic stressors,
both internally complete
and externally consuming and producing
ecstasies of Earth’s great transitional epic intercourse,
including, yet not monoculturally monopolized,
culturally hypnotized
by and with humane transliterations of organic transubstantiations,
polypaths toward holy polymorphic symbiosis,
erotic lover days toward night
greeting perpetual virgins
of Earth’s deep learning erotic incarnations
growing into full post-millennial maturity.

Then decomposing to rejoin Earth’s virgin soul,
revolving Time’s fully active EcoOccupation,
complete unto Herself.

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Health Questions for Leading Candidates

by DipolarTaoist G. O. Dillenbeck

These invite your most integral multiple choice responses.

Please choose your one best answer,
recognizing you may often find more than one choice
resonant with your own experiences,
beliefs,
and/or interior and exterior climatic feelings
of belonging/not-belonging.
Would you rather garden,
take care of your own yard
and home,
your landscapes,
or any other form of skilled work
with your hands
and body
as co-arising ego-mind:

A. By yourself,

if and when your family and/or vocational colleagues
are not equally co-invested in your future projected healthy outcomes.

B. With others,

especially if they are family and/or vocational colleagues,
capable of co-arising cooperative co-investment,
as you are,
and express this intent
in ways you also care for your internal and external skill-sets,
wheelhouse,
emerging gestalt balance,
Yang/Yin harmonics,
deductive LeftBrain with inductively bicameral Elder RightBrain,
autonomic bicameral resonance,
ecological-dialectical regenerative orthopraxis,
your way of poetically metamorphing, polypathing,
passionate co-investment within
shared RealTime internal/external deep-rich reiterating-resonant experience.

C. As Plan A above, because of Plan B above;
and as a holonic regenerator within Plan B above, because of too much Plan A self-hypnotic experience above,
for Cooperative Self/Other CQI Optimizing Health Outcomes.
Would you rather communicate effectively and efficiently and therapeutically,
most certainly non-violently,
as managed by your active love and peaceful campaign contentment?
[Hint: Rather than more competitive and negative counterparts,
your anti-social enculturation history,
your anger and fear management exegesis
and co-arising negative-emergent issue orientation,
dissonantly and persistently eisegetical dissonant noisy
economic and political as dis-ecological imbalance issues
of chronic-hypnotic-aptic pathology,
anti-climatic stress, discomfort, discontent,
bicameral Yang/Yin ongoing contentiousness.]

A. Just within yourself,

in a more introverted-yin
and sometimes depressing
and self-repressive
“we all have to ego-die sometime”
sort of unkind nature-way,
at least disruptive to our dreams of endless gorgeous-growth, lush-rich incorporated
EgoEmpire building.

Yang hypnotically LoseLose dominating,
rather than equivalently loving,
Yin as AlienEarthOther CoArising Presence.

B. With others,

especially if they have 7-Generation therapeutic cooperative community planning,
maybe even correlated budgeting and co-investment support experience,
economically permacultural ego-health co-development strategic planning maturity,
preferably both personal as well as political,
co-investment through communication campaign design,
eco-networking dialectical capacity,
demonstrating WinWin PoliEconomic PolyCulturally Positive Health Outcomes
at individual Ego,
family,
community,
and other EcoSystemic levels
currently merging Ego/Eco optimizing slow-growth
healthy political-cooperative economies
tipping toward EcoLogical interior/exterior climatic Balance.

C. EquiValent Plan A-Ego and Plan B-Eco Balance,

as co-arising dipolar Yang/Yin prime co-relational,
co-gravitational,
appositionally bilateral as bicameral,
notnot cognitive dissonance equivalency with something like
ecoconscious operatic bodhisattva as bilateral-messianic vocation, purpose, original intent,
exegetical historic RNA/DNA fractal-fold-functional temporal resonance.
Would you rather live and breathe,
sing and dance,
celebrate and eulogize,
advocate and occupy,
vote and discern,
deliberate and contest,
debate or discern

A. By yourself,

for obvious non-competing economic and ego-monocultural social-political reasons.

B. With others,

especially if they too
like you,
breathe day in
as each night out
ecoconsciously bicameral wu wei
TippingPoint MidWay (0)-Balancing
shared-Earth-and-Atmosphere teleological vocation
as polyculturing ecotherapic love of Self as Other as Earth Holonic EcoSystems,
with cooperatively shared economies
of politically polypathic ecologic.

C. Both Plan A as Plan B,
mutually co-arising “truth” confluence as Tao’s WinWin Ego/Eco “beauty” Timing.
Thank you for always and everywhere choosing C,
and other PlanC-oriented candidates for economic and political
as ecological bicameral-balance
of Earth-thru-Ego-healthy leadership.

 

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Echoes of Mom’s Great EarthDay

A transitional skill
my Mom taught me,
good to use when I start to feel at-risk,
somehow and anyhow,
whether in my relationship with her,
or with Earth’s more kosmic garden of naturally wild and domestic spirits.
Remember to ask permission to ask questions,
even before you may be sure of how She will probably answer
this question
especially when you may not yet fully know what
or how or when to ask.

“May I ask you a question?”
can be felt as a stab in hearts
for lovers who thought you were their question-space,
their primal source of both mystery
and childlike endless curiosity
inviting multi-reiterated “Why and How this Curiosity”
soaking deeper into your most richly composting soul of language.

If, when you ask this of your Mom,
Earth,
Lover,
Child,
Colleague,
Political and Economic Leaders,
fellow pilgrims along our nutritionally cooperative way,
if they seem to not respond at all,
your best translation of this absence might be
“Apparently not right now.
Please try again later.
I will probably be back campaigning your way again soon.”

If, when you ask
along your poli-economic trans-relational path,
you hear something like,
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
your best translation could be
“Please repeat.
No, I was not available for your question,
but now I might be.
However, beware,
my mind is in transition-mode right now,
and I might not seem to care
as compared to another
better appointed time.

Here it could be helpful
to memorize a script:
“May I share fifteen minutes later today?”
or variations on this quarter-turn of cooperative communication,
meeting each other halfway between
your hope to gain my full attention at all your ego’s most convenient times
and everywheres
and your negatively correlated parallel hope
to receive each of Earth’s relational invitations
as co-operatively intended gift-it-forward response
to whatever it was that Ego had been investing in
just before you asked for this transactional nutrition
to become invested right your way,
“Why can’t I have your attention
in this co-ego-focused way,
right now?”
kinda’ pushy, but may be worth a try.

If, when you ask for attention,
co-investments,
intentions of co-relationship,
such as “May I ask you a question,”
If Earth responds with
“I have always thought you were my most curious source
of life’s richest, deepest, most important and yet intimate questions.”
And then goes on and on resonantly, redundantly,
Especially about wise relationship choices and love as life’s pilgrimage,
co-mentoring how to both truly and beautifully plant our network of organic gardens,
My most fierce Advocate for Golden correlational landscape design,
and my designer of (0)ego-zone nutrient flow charts,
NatureMystic Quester of Earth-embedded hopes as WinWin ego outcomes
despite timeless death and decay
great and small transitional incarnational climate trends.

If you hear anything along those considerable lines,
please don’t worry so much
about forgetting what your LeftBrain competing-for-attention question was,
or might become
with further regenerate development.
Rather, refocus
on why did you think you needed to speak this question right now?
Why not just ask your originally intended question,
or is this your primal question implied within each question?
Wondering why we are always open within Earth’s source of childlike questions,
why do we call this mental and physical and economic and politically ecological health?

May I ask you a question?
“I most certainly hope you are.”
“Namaste, for such mutually-assured curiosity.”
Mythic Mystery,
active hope for Earth’s communicating love
and sometimes not quite so balanced yet,
ADH autistic bipolar paranoia,
egocentric terrorism,
anthrocentric addictions and aversion to competing LeftBrain evolutionary supremacist dialects,
cognitive-affective dissonance on an epic operatic scale of non-cooperation,
competitive research complexities, lapsing toward chaos,
waiting to become more fully networked as cooperative opportunities
to reiteratively ask “Why?”
receiving WinWin kosmic and RightNow answers,
to communicate our intelligently designed polyculturing curiosity.

In this more cooperative communication way,
every Earth Day is also Mother’s Day,
May we ask you a question?
Why?
Because I would not know how to ask
in our time now past
or ask in future Time
before this Why right now.
Why?…
reiterating
regenerating
(0)Riginating Evolutionary Intent.

Every day Mother’s Day
dipolar MidWay
thru Earth’s embryonic nutrition,
inter-regenerating healthy ego language,
eco-writing memories of Moms with futures
who might have been why.

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Sins of Omitted Remissions

Yin kindly reminds the more short-term focused Yang,
We together introduced language to Earth.

Ah yes, Yang smiles, too rarely lately,
over-worked and under-valued dominance of ecosystems,
That was natural-dialectical-dipolar trend projection
to optimize healthy interdependent biosystems
and their ecosystemic Elders.

Quite so,
those co-arising trends flowing
through our mutual-rhetorical reiterations,
our MidWay Confluence as deductively rational consciousness,
DNA exegetical capacity for logically calculating nature’s healthiest values;
what yin-RightBrain autonomically remembers
as prime temporal-bilateral neural syntax,
dialogos of fractal-function
and regenerative development
of dynamic healthy bioregeneratic lifesystems.

Yet, not to play any blame game,
this our new co-evolutionary capacity
for LeftBrained Language Enculturation
became YangDominant associated
with LeftBrain-dominant civilization,
co-arising anthro-centrism,
including Earth’s newer history
of revolution by Empirical Elitism.
Processes of empirical empire supremacy
became benignly associated with evolution,
by our human incarnations,
as sometimes revolutionary monocultural WinLose OmniPotent Creator Power,
Predators, often benign, Hosts to Praying Prey
til Trees of Life and Death appeared in dualdark dreams,
Divine Empire – Human Nature’s Incarnate Generation – Lesser EarthTribes.

Yes, we’ve watched history’s great transitional pendulum
rushing back toward center
but still learning British English Language Empiricism,
grown dominantly Western toward Eastern BusinessAsUsual rooted
history of AnthroCentric Elitism
as fortunes of natural evolutionary WinLose Games,
political and economically developing to date,
ecologically rational
spoils of competition’s inevitable evolutionary wars.

We would together prefer our mutual coarising
more true and beautiful superiority
only in solidarity with Allah’s merely “other-foreign”
living bio and ecosystemic inferiors, as Eler Superiors.
Now we have remade Creator God’s evolution stories
in our own historical-supremacist image.

Don’t forget Totalitarian Empiricism running through
nation-state political dominant trends,
leading toward the inevitable rational conclusion,
these long-term outcomes smell slightly, now,
of sulfur as Lucifer,
for some,
anti-christic political and economic trump-empowered damnation story cards
for others,
too-recessive

Yes, N(NP)

yin function, as you so calculatingly dipolar-define it,
or not, to others,
or notnot,
like LoseLose as appositional with WinWin binomials,
to still others,
more deductively consumed scientists,
and metric rhythms as dialectical language historians
and linguists
and ecotherapists
and deep-ecology gardeners
and permacultural landscape developers,
interior and exterior designers and architects,
0)-centric information system engineers
of binomial on-line WWW cooperative function
emergent poli/economic capacities.

Our too-yang dominance emerged Totalitarian Evolutionary Empiricism
unfortunately casting human nature
in our present operatic double-bind,
if enslaved to a benign cooperative Creative PreDator Intelligence
who would only empower WinWin regenerative reiterations of time,
if all were within His evolutionary powers,
then why is it OK for some male-dominant human-racing tribes
to enslave other human racial-cultural tribes
and genders,
especially transgenders?
When we look each other in the eyes
are we looking at god as humane nature’s regenerative incarnation,
or not quite so healthy as all that?

An unfortunate deductively accessible response
to this problem of mutually unjustified enslavement
was to pretend the ability to objectively define proportions of healthy humanity
as favorably contrasted to “other” foreign natures
substantially less valuable than
White EnglishSpeaking Male dominant Western BusinessAsUsual
enculturing incarnations
of God’s LillyNotPeopleofOtherColor Supremacy,
smelling of premillennial nazi, totalitarian fascist, racial supremacist,
terrorist,
and other anti-christic
tao-imbalanced nationalist-empiricist YangTrump Cards
of AnthroCentrism,
human nature’s LeftBrain curiosity
about humane evoutions of EarthTribe’s Cooperative,
our poli/economic selves,
continuing to rape Earth’s “other-lesser”
ecologically co-arising systems
now nuancing dissonant addictive stress enslaved recession,
no more than 50% humane-yin, as over-valuing domestication
commodification,
political and economic dominance of too-competitive Yang,
undermining ecological values of “other” nature,
as something other than our own Elder DNA/RNA co-enscribing Elders,
writing this ReGeneration Story.

This late PreMillennial economic,
then political, fascination,
almost mystical curiosity with enslaving power over other forms
and functions within human nature,
opened yet another Pandora-Nested-Box
of Great and Small Transitional Welfare Systems,
which premillennially severed our economic source of health
from polyculturally inclusive wealth,
with coarising political severance of universal health
from evolution’s integrative polypathic therapeutic welfare.

We remain confused
about how mental health could be improved
by essentially starving primal political and economic relationships
within our families and neighborhoods,
and wilting mutual namaste
within our EarthTribe’s polyculturally beloved ecoharmonic community.

Our mutual enculturing history
lends more climate-balanced support,
politically and economically,
as ReGeneration RNA Story
of yin-fractal (0),
WinWin
P=N(NP)
as Yang = Yin
RNA CoOperative PermaCulturing Design

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CoRefining Healthy Conversations

Life as active love evolves toward more polycultural communication,
across both species and time,
within Earth’s Solar EcoSystemic Universe.

While this conversation includes human natured communicators,
we suboptimize our ecological balance
if endo-human discourse monopolizes our lifetime learning dialogue.

A life devoid of communicating with Earth’s diverse languages and dialects,
rhythms and patterns of development and decay,
consumption and root systemic production,
cannot optimally support sustained mental and physical health
of humane mindbodies.

Over-investing in our internal human natural and racing anthro-centric communicating systems
may have both caused and resulted in our atrophied RightBrain “yin” enculturation potential,
perhaps more richly rooted in temporal-neural norms
of RNA nature-therapeutic cousins,
bilateral
reverse-hierarchical nutrient fold-flow root-systemic
Elder Tree and Plant Forms with Organically Sustainable DiPolar Balance Function.

When we give thanks and praise
we already often remember to include our namastes and Amens!
for these our more inclusive nutritional conversations,
for Earth’s cooperative economic evolutionary transactions,
for our Open Solar EcoSystem’s sustainable climate Creation Stories,
for interdependent Great Transitions,
for crises CoArising courage to turn down our LeftBrain AnthroAlpha-language enculturation,
to tune back into our wider dialectic capacities
within Earth’s diurnal and perennial,
polycultural dialects,
as read thru (0)-EgoEco Balance
as Yang/Yin Prime Octave Temporal Frequency Harmonic Balance,
as Left/RightBrain BiCameral EcoPolitical Balance of EcoLogical Elders,
speaking DNA fractal-development fold-function open frequencies,
within octave primal 4D equivalent PolyNomial SpaceTime,
Prime-BiLateral CoOperative DiPolar CoArising NonDual ReLovingship
of Earth’s dualdark compost voices
singing Sun’s solar-elational polycultural octave frequencies
thru HumaneEarth’s evolving ecologic-dialectic
fractal-syntaxed,
reiteratively autonomic temporal-neural communication network,
WinWin self enlightenment,
self-perpetuating eco-polypathic.

Perhaps the difference between Positive Psychology mental health
and Earth-perpetuating regenerative evolution
is nothing,
Zeroism self-tautologically dipolar appositional-soul humane-structural defined,
as more cooperative political and economic dialogue networks,
now co-evolving,
Corising CoOperative WinWin Networks
following digital syntax-fractal rhythms
of reverse-nested octave-byte flow patterns
of healthy nutrient-social-political, and, soon,
even more cooperative WinWin economic digital languages
of PolyCultural ReGenesis REVolutions
as resolutions of multi-paradigmatic (0)-autonomic temporal/neural associated dissonance,
appositional dipolar with primal Tao-natured confluence.

Now, if you, like me, have yet to finish your first and last cup of decaffeined
quasi-guilty pleasure,

Allah knows that even ants consider this stuff, taken straight,
without any chaser,
toxic,
what kind of conversation with Earth’s Day am I starting
with this cup of decaf, skimmed milk and refined honey?
Tasty, but probably not self-optimizing mindbody behavior,
stirring up some dissonant caffeine grounds
for further dissonant lack of fluent conversations
if only due to my unceasing need to pee.

anyway, I’m back,
I think,
therefore we are,
this is a lot to take in through our eyes and ears
about our tastes and feels and smells
as Earth’s endosymbiotically evolving conversation
about how to Great Transition
from LeftBrain cultured imbalance,
back to those brief Golden Elixir Moments
in blissful primal EgoMemory,
of knowing love with Earth
as peaceful light and root communication
thru some primally nutritional health system,
possibly dualdark or “notnot” or dipolar yin-rooted
in Earth’s TransParent BlackHole BiLateral CoArising Future-as-Past Memory,
YinYin = WinWin Balancing Universal DiPolar DiaStatic Yang CoOperative ReGenerativity,
0)RiginalMega Point
of Time’s FlowYang with EbbYin-Fractal-Squared
Prime (0) PolyNomial CoArising Function.

For me,
it seems more ego-therapeutic,
and hopefully ecotherapeutic,
to listen to the stars,
the crickets, birds, frogs,
rivers, surf, wind, fire, rain
about this climatic dis-ecological pain we share
than to read the morning paper.

Sometimes I hear more about what my humane Ego truly craves
to see and feel and smell and taste
by listening to music
singing love
sometimes also speaking of love
as food for mutual enrichment,
life’s dialectic open gestalt,
co-evolution,
rather than listening to Presidential non-dialogues,
non-discernment,
competing rather than Both-And cooperative conversating,
rapacious word-weapons
rather than rhapsodies with harmonic,
even operatic,
CoArising Original Design Intent.

And, should mental health
Both-And Positive Psychology
have anything at all to do with steering clear of
LoseLose hierarchical-monoculture-exclusive power structures
of mutual competition,
the each EgoPlayer
must reiteratively choose to speak either Win or Lose
and is prohibited by Ego’s LeftBrain bicamerally self-blinding investments
to BusinessAsUsual repress,
become sad,
suffer from LeftBrain dissonant enculturation loss,
chronic stress unlikely to notice slower Win to CoWin BothAnd options,
regenerationg revolving Eco-RNA/DNA-Centric Solidarity,
political with eco-normic and logically rational LeftRight bicameral balance,
love as synergetic life
in RealTime co-incarnating healthy conversations
on co-vegetating EarthBound matters.

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Who I Am

by Spencer Dillenbeck, my son, age 19

A chunk of clay settling into its mold
A painting yet to dry
A matching hand I cannot hold
A block of cheese before its mold
But even I do not know why
The answer is unknown to me
A rock on the cliff I cannot reach
A phantom I can’t see

I am
ABOMINATION
An amalgamation of the things that have shaped me
But nothing really seems to…
fit?
work?
stay together?
feel… right?
It all feels so…
messy.
needless.
uncomfortable.
unwanted.
The clay has yet to finish molding
But the mold refuses to hold

A painting yet to dry
A matching hand I cannot hold
A block of cheese before its mold
But even I do not know why
The answer is unknown to me
A rock on the cliff I cannot reach
A phantom I can’t see

I am
DEFINITION
A story written by hands that feel foreign
They’re mine, these hands
Surely
The story is mine
Surely
It’s all… nonfiction
Surely
But the ink’s invisible to me
The pictures don’t match the words
Because they aren’t there
But when I watch others take my hands
and paint what I can’t see
It all feels right and natural
It all makes sense to me

A matching hand I cannot hold
A block of cheese before its mold
But even I do not know why
The answer is unknown to me
A rock on the cliff I cannot reach
A phantom I can’t see

I am
DISTRUSTFUL
But perhaps I should explain
I trust those I care for
those I love
And I feel obligated to
They’ve given oh so much to me
It’s the least I can do
But once they put the mirror up
And look into my eyes
I am the only one who cries
I am the only one who sees
my LIES
I can’t let myself stay this way
Too many things I want to change
But it all feels so strange
I can’t take this hand
I can’t take this chance
So many ways to alter my stance
But I feel locked into this trance
In which I glance
into the abyss
And the abyss glances back
I have to look away
I can’t look at this
I can’t look like this
I can’t act like this
I can’t be
this

A block of cheese before its mold
But even I do not know why
The answer is unknown to me
A rock on the cliff I cannot reach
A phantom I can’t see

I am
UNREMARKABLE
I don’t see what people see in me
I’m not special
or talented
or smart
or cool
or trendy
or fashionable
I’m not that finely aged jazz you see on the top shelf
That’s the good stuff
That’s what people think is best
Nobody touches it because they don’t want it to go away
They want it to stay
But I’m left deformed and in pieces
Not because people keep eating me
If that were it, there’d be more me to go around
But, really
I don’t want me
I just give myself away
Piece by piece
Bit by bit
Until nothing’s left
That’s what I think is best

But even I do not know why
The answer is unknown to me
A rock on the cliff I cannot reach
A phantom I can’t see

I am
I am…
I am who I am?
There’s too much I hate
So much to change
Not enough to evaluate
Nothing to see
Not even my glasses give me the sight I need
My eyes just aren’t able to focus
But everyone else has great eyes
Eyes I can use to see me
If I let them like me
change me
evaluate me
see me
Then I can understand
They can tell me
Who
I
am

Now
With all of this in mind, I’m sure
That you can see
That you can tell me
What I need to hear
Make it nice and clear
I’ve waited more than long enough
for this point in time
This fortune of mine
Look into my eyes and show me the truth
Tell me what you see in me
Be my special little sleuth
The only one who can deduce
This mystery of my history
is YOU

Who
am
I?

 

Written in response to my poem, “Who Are You?”

 

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