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An Anxiously Anticipated Event

Dear John,

All day
yesterday
I loaded up with a cascading river
of mixed anxiety and anticipation
about what to safely and kindly,
transparently and vulnerably
compassionately, so non-violently, share
communicate;

Which narrative tributaries to choose
within this vast spacetime stream
of choices
directions
felt depressions and erections.

Do you remember
communication theory
framed as Rhetorical Events?

Our initial walk and talk,
eating together,
rather than my refrigerator foraging
brunchtime usual rawfood practice,
is a graced green,
rain giving way to blue, memory for me,
and, I hope, for we
these sacred walking
secular talking
people.

Successful rhetorical events,
as I recall,
and have co-passionately experienced
with ecstatic thrills
and mysterious chills of anticipation,
wanting more and more
cascading throughout my too isolated life,

Are cooperatively held spaces
resonant and verbal and non-verbal places
longing to become resilient
as ultra-violet light
in phosphorescent mystical night,
bright
and warm
without ballistic fright,
inviting sounds of sight.

So I drove home
basking in such rich
potentially resilient
transparent and vulnerable
articulate yet impassioned
felt experience
confirming all my own ego’s grand theories
about win/win non-violent
Rhetorical compassioning
Events.

My anxieties spoke later
about mutual physical
natural, yet also spiritual,
attraction–
this smell and taste neurological chemistry
of touch exhaling
to co-empathically predict
our romantically felt quality
inhaling integrity’s great resilient passions,
shared loves
communal,
deeply green cooperative,
that rhetorical day
as true and beautiful for us.

It has been thirty years
since my last first date,
with a man who became my unanticipated husband,
partner
spouse
lover
quarreler
critic
listener
emotive voice
co-investor
political ally
communicator
miscommunicator
long-term rhetorical event
cooperative space-holder,
mediator
not really quite green enough
for resonant felt
and thought co-passionate experience
near our end
of cohabitation.

Nearly half my lifetime,
thirty years,
and I feel anxious
I have not yet learned
appropriate new old person rules
of transparency
and vulnerability
to be clear
and kind,
compassionately clear
about my natural/spiritual
physical/metaphysical attractions,
anticipations,
anxieties.

When I last dated
a gay encounter of the first kind
either ended nakedly together
or with a scheduled second date
with a bed
or a sling
or a deserted moonlit beach
front and center on our anticipated menu

Or ended in disaster,
no connection,
no further warm and resonant communication,
no passing green light Go!

I did not “date”
men who lived so very far away,
out of state,
unless one of us was planning to relocate
or both of us were anticipating
an extremely resonant
one hot night stand
lying down together,
exploring all the vertical
and horizontal dances
we could imagine ever wishing we had done
to further gather
future’s warm anticipations.

I am anxious
because I do not want to disappoint you
or me
about our embodied
non-verbal communication
and passion together.

My own nakedness
lies nowhere near my vulnerable
and transparent self-esteem
as was the case
when I last dated
and I do not know
what to do
and not do
with that.

I have no mentors,
no wise teachers,
no therapeutic facilitators,
no sex therapist
to talk and touch me through
this anxiety.

But, I do anticipate
an unfortunate comparison
I met on our silvered dating site
the same day I first heard you
connect climate pathological effects
with capitalistic causes,
which immediately won my curiosity
to know
just how deeply knowing
we might go
together,
and not apart.

I met another singer
another meditator
another deeply
physically connected
to Taoist sensory communication
yangly verbal and yin non-verbal,

More physically incarnated
and less metaphysically abstract
less theoretical
merely rhetorical
more mature
aged
connected like wine with cheese
and re-connected
than my own experience
in how to mutually
yet maturely
please.

Last evening we talked.
His voice sings and rings,
warmly chills and quietly thrills.

And, he is closer.
Teaches dance.
We anticipate learning together
how to tango horizontally
without creating an entangled mess
at our ripe old average age
of 69

Which,
when I last dated
was a cooperatively rhetorical
erotic position
and not an age
which we sensually anticipated
without great anxiety
about resilience
of sensual resonance.

For me,
this need not be a win or lose,
either-or situation.
Even less so
if I thought the two of you
would appreciate each other
in this partner searching
lifeline rivered
shivered way,
but that is not what I would anticipate
either of you would say.

So, that is what is on my mind
and heart
and root chakras
this another deep green
ego-centering
and ecosystemic rhetorical day.

Said my vertical horizontal way,
physical and metaphysical
natural and spiritual
secular and sacred
love with you
and hell to pay,
anxiously anticipating
your kind
non-maligned
response.

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Fear of Success

Fear of personal
and disconnecting
ego-success
feels reasonable to me

Too much adulating feedback
from old friends vaguely envious
that I would place myself above
and before them
sacrifices integrity
more resonant with us,
immersed in ecosystemic success,
embodied health,
resilient Earth-rooted wealth.

Children
especially straight white physically-privileged adolescents,
have grown self-empowerment rights
to autonomous personal lifestyle differences,
risks of failure,
opportunities toward narcissism,
as contested by parents
who often have our own anthropocentric issues
about humane success and failure.

Democratically grateful adults
have grown rights to self-determination
responsibility of personal con-science
consciousness authority
over-against God/Gaia,

Completing the circle
of young developing secular ego-systems
competing
rather than cooperatively owning and managing
appreciating immersion within
sacred ecosystemic Earth.

Perhaps LeftBrain’s WinLose risk
is also RightBrain’s WinWin opportunity
to aspire toward resilient God/Gaianess,
as bicamerally GoldenRuled together
ego/eco-systemic nest.

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Climate Rise Up

As I write this, thousands of people are gathering to listen with each other, to sing, perhaps to dance more than walk in striking solidarity for climate health. I have been thinking of this moment, this event, this day, this strike on this sacred Earth all week.  And, each time this gathering comes to mind, so does Cassandra Batie and Jennifer Decilveo’s 2016 anthem, “Rise Up.”

This variation on Batie and Decilveo’s lyrics I sing in tears of joy and deep sorrow with those who are on their way, drawing near toward the sound and sight of each others’ voices.  I would love to join you in person, but old bones and heart and mind have learned that my climate anxiety flares into manic hope at such events, and then I pay the suicidal ideation price on my way home, feeling alone, hopeless.

I believe for every face and voice seen and heard at a Climate Strike gathering around the world today, there is at least another, and probably several others, with you in swelling heart, in passionate mind, in loving soul, but, like me, have learned that our Great Transition role, however resonant, will best remain resilient as we Rise Up on our front porches and back yards, in our forests and ocean shores, on our rivers and lakes, to sing to Earth’s tired trees, to dance to aching birdsong, to remember when we were young, more hopeful, more proud of what we can yet accomplish within Earth’s sacred solidarity.

Humbled now, this is dedicated to those more visible, to know we are millions already belonging together within this shared Great Transition, Great Turning, Great Reweaving with you; and with gratitude to Cassandra Batie and Jennifer Decilveo for Rise Up, embodied and well-sung hope.

I have been your living Earth;
I will live and die through you.

I will be your blood born sap;
You will live and die with me.

This Great Transition
into owning competitive responsibility
for climates of pathology and health,
inward and outward,
composed of all past energies,
small co-arising transitions
reweavings
regenerations
now contained in Earth’s soil,
Her rebirthing baptismal waters,
Her buoyant air,
Her fertile winds
and purging fires.

Earth’s broken down
and tired
of living love
on this unmerry-go-round,

And I can’t see Her lovers
but I hear life in you
so we gon’ rise Earth up,
Move mountains,
we gon’ walk love out
and heal oceans.

And we’ll rise up,
We’ll rise each Earth’s day,
We’ll rise up,
We’ll rise unafraid,
We’ll rise up
and we’ll love life a thousand times again;

And we’ll rise up
high like Earth’s waves,
We’ll rise up
in spite of life’s ache,
We’ll rise up
and give love a million times again,

For Earth,
For you,
Earth, for you;

When our silence isn’t quiet
and it feels like we’re growing hard to breathe
and we know Earth feels like dying,
Then I promise we’ll raise the Earth to Her feet,
Heal forests,
Bring Earth’s tribes to our feet
and move mountains.

All we need,
All we need is hope
And for faith we have each other,
And for peace we have each other;

And we will rise
we will rise
we will rise
we will rise,

We’ll rise like Earth’s day
We’ll rise up,
We rise unafraid,
We rise up
and we’ll love life a thousand times again,

And we’ll rise up
high like Earth’s waves,
We rise up
in spite of hate’s ache,
We rise up
and Earth does love a million lives again.

For Earth,
We will rise
we will rise

We will rise
for you,
Earth will rise with you.

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Raising Paradise

Rise up Genesis,
Rise up Exodus
into ReGenesis.

Rise up paradise hope,
Rise up arms and legs
for cooperative faith.

Rise up health,
Rise up compassion
vested wealth.

Rise up Creation,
Rise up habitats
for re-creation.

Rise up solidarity,
Rise up happy endings
for ego-supremacy,
anthro-infamy.

Rise up integrity,
Rise up green
resilient energy,
resonant synergy.

Rise up EarthJustice,
Rise up climates of peace.

Rise up Genesis,
Rise up Exodus
into co-arising ReGenesis.

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PlayDate Victories

Parental labor days and nights,
memories and contemporary echoing traumas
of declaring Hippocratic Commitment victories,
“No one got much hurt today,”

“Non-violent communication” prevails,
verbally and non-verbally laborious,
locally and globally viral,
monoculturally and multiculturally,
on our best days,

But “not violent” is such a negative
empty
cold
humorless LeftBrain way
to say,
to communicate,
resiliently resonant communion’s
articulating
heart-felt possibilities.

We have hope and faith potentialities
for cooperative spirits of life and love,
As well as secular natures of competitively incorporated death
and corporate loss,

But only one ZeroZone uniting Holy Nature/Spirit,
not only co-invested in non-violent life and love,
but further committed to solidarity
of resilient uniting life as resonant universal love,

Where Fear-of and Anger-about
past lose/lose competitive trauma
cannot repeat their either/or
exclusive
devolutionary Names.

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Mother’s Mother

My mother’s mother and I were very close.
We needed each other
in diversely validating ways.

She needed to know
experience
hear and see and feel and touch
a healthier love of mutual regard
than she felt she achieved
with any of her three daughters.

I needed to feel
I was some loved adult’s most significant event,
most vulnerable and transparent grace
for who I felt and knew I was
yet to gay become
without any need to change
what I could not internally rearrange.

When I was a senior in high school
this grandmother became sick with cancer
and depression,
mortal doubts and fear.

I knew this
not because I had visited her
but because my parents
and aunts
whispered their hopelessness
before repeatedly reminding me,
There is nothing I can do
to help her
or prepare myself
for such great loss,
perhaps less great,
more relief,
for them.

But they were wrong.
Wrong about my grandmother.
Wrong about me.
Wrong about us, together.

I knew her favorite hymns.
I was her favorite voice.
We needed no other instruments,
percussive or lyrical.
We had enough time
to revisit our music lessons,
Lyrics are tools for young friendship
Not weapons against old enemies.

Precious Lord
take my hand,
Lead me on
when I can’t stand.
I am tired,
I am weak,
I am worn.
Through these trials,
Through this storm,
Lead me on
Precious Lord.

And so we sang
and so I danced
and told her favorite story
of beds too hard,
of friends too soft,
and a child who sings just might

Of Earth too hot
and river beds too soft
and motherlands too cold
and us, now growing distant,
yet singing this last time
just right.

 

 

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Taking Healthy Opportunity-Risks

A liberal love-mind
sees Earth’s nurturing eco-nest origins
astoundingly opportune for producing healthy ego-nutritional eggs.

A more conservative eco-political risk taker,
faced with ego’s opportunity
to fly away from mortal risk
to autonomous ego’s long-term survival
or fight to WinEgo/LoseEcoNest pyric victory,
thereby sees ego’s Win/Win in-between opportunity
to produce future cooperative eco-eggs
of self-perpetuating identity,

A narrower, conserving, view
of Earth’s universal health opportunities
and a widening interdependent liberal love potential.

We might become both
ego and eco healthier,
more left non-insula nature embodied
and right amygdala co-passionate spirit soaring
to imagine
and support both physical/metaphysical views,
held most lovingly together
as WinWin eco/ego-centering integrity,
symbiotic nonfight/nonflight opportunity
for cooperatively mentored solidarity
in health/wealth mutual service

Negotiations BiLateral
and/or internally BiCameral;
Conscious
and/or UnConscious;
ReConscious
and/or PreConscious.

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Muse of BlackHistory

Music ministry
as inviting to blues and jazz,
embracing soulful gospel
as black and brown and white multiculturally intended,
at least on MLKing SabbathDream Days,
feels not yet enough un-privileged,
increasingly side-tracked
from cooperative GreenEarth dreams reborn,
up-bearing
paid-forward into what more recent cultically degenerates
into an expanding historical commodified competition
in ego-personality marketing and idolizing worship.

Authentic WinWin non-violent singing messiahs
do not want to be WinLose competitive-ego worshiped,
misunderstood,
too easily dismissed as saints,
for the courage of their patience
with absence of cooperative interdependent resilient dreams
within solidarity of communion,
not fragmentation of originally nonsectarian
non-violent communication,
with our natural-rhythmed vibrating voices
and our bilateral hands and feet.

MLK’s
and Gandhi’s
and perhaps Jesus of Nazareth’s
and LaoTse’s
and Buddha’s
and Gaia’s music and resistance dance
and storytelling muses of music history
exalt our cooperative harmonies of wisdom,
non-violent everyday enchanting eco-villages and green meadows
investing in cooperatively self/other-owned economies,
compassionate interelationships of soulful co-passions,
good-news rhythms,
harmonic patterns of cooperatively-held historic resonant redemption
for depressed
and suppressed
and oppressed,
ego personality worshipers,
seriously unimpressed power-divas,
and struggling family peace-warriors
against Win/Lose ego-mortality

With sufficient courage to speak our cooperatively-owned
and managed eco-dreams
and curiosity enough to cooperatively explore
our white-privileged anthems
of pietistic fake-prophetic sufficiency of almost uniting,
not quite universal, EarthTribe peace, blind
to further noticing current lapses
in non-violent span-historical
pan-cultural communication,
cooperative investment,
compassionate resilience
positive democracy energetic resonance

Sung,
spoken,
and non-verbally RightBrain dreamed
and WinWin Left/Right framed
for good-faith justice climates
heading back oppressive punishing crusade histories
of hating interdependent communion economies,
polyculturally nutritious sufficiency for all EarthTribe,
more powerfully resilient
than mere Win/Lose business as usual ego-marketing commerce,
mono-paternalistically distorted,
ecoYin-unbalanced
egoYang-privileged, so not healthy democratic,
growing ego-conservative marketing status, so not ecologically resonant,
not green sanctuary robust

Regardless of how large or small
that Zero ZenZone musing sanctuary
may non-violently
non-fragmentedly
non-reductively
embrace all souls
as we interdependently co-arise
great historic muses of multiculturing reality,
health of integrity,
wealth of solidarity,
cooperatively responsible resilience.

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Growing Webs, Not Walls

As democratic minds continue to work LeftBrain Yang-hard and strong,
yet resiliently paced,
and RightBrain Yin-smart,
flowing smooth,
resonantly graced,

Earth grows deeper and wider polypathic outcomes
restoring peace
by non-violently responding to past climate injustices,

Inviting patient good humor
despite wounded free-loaders stingy past
without sufficient faith in positive therapeutic investment.

Not begrudged investment in silent bad faith,
expecting only more negative Win/Lose compromises,
eventually devolving into economic
and ecological gridlock losses,
total eco- and ego-systemic stuckness,
personally and politically disempowered,
disengaged,
failing to thrive.

Deterring aggression is unlikely
to those investing in and with swords,
automated rifle associations,
marketing sales of fear-mongering weapons
and walls
and martial laws.

Deterring violent aggression is more likely
to those investing in and with redemptive WinWin compassion,
cooperative global health associations,
advocating and mentoring gospel communion experiences,
WinWin wealth of grace,
love,
compassion,
trust
as LeftBrain defined,
RightBrain refined,
by not LoseLose absence of health,
trust,
compassion,
grace under Win/Lose fire
of competitive Business As Capital Infested,
over-invested,
under-arrested
by webs of resilient cooperative ownership
management
governance
responsibility
healthy wealth accountability,
historical recountability

RealTalk,
in 4D LeftBrain YangSpace,
RightBrain wall-less webbing bilateral YinTime.

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What’s the Remaining Difference of Zero

What’s the difference,
and where lie the solidarities, between

Panentheism
and transubstantiating experience,
Multisystemic co-acclimation
and multicultural creolization,
Herstoric history
and theologically dynamic ecology,
Sacred evolutionary revolution
and restoring EarthJustice,
Resilient peace
and everyday sacred
non-violently enchanting
democracy
of positive energy?

Why does this list
speak with uniting integrity?
While seeing synergetic principles
of multicultural healthy zeroism,
transubstantiating all non-universal paradigms,
emerging polyphonic polynomials
mutually synergetic

Re-defined
by plusHere and minusNow,
One egocenter
monoculturing greed for timeless wealth
without concomitant
transubstantiating WiseElder
DNA sacredly co-enscribing,
prescribing,
describing
regeneratively resilient
healthy wealth
of future searching ancient regenerations.

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