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Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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The Singing Theologian

I was gratefully listening
to a theologian musician
repeat a rabbinic tradition
of four levels of resonant soul:
individual (egosystemic),
communal (local),
social (cultural, national identity)
global (Earth,ecosystemic).

A mature musician,
like a wise theologian,
sees these four soul identities
as circular
double-binding octaves,
mutually informing up
and down,
in
and out.

As EarthMother’s original staging womb
organically recreates
using the fractal language of DNA inscription,
prediction,
predication,
to recreate yet another individual soul,
as BrahmanEarth outside soul
is to AtmanEgo inside spirit
of dynamic resonance,
preferring regeneration as positive
as more power-indwelling
than degeneration as negative.

So, it was jarring
when this musical theologian
referred to human bodies
as machines,
rather than organisms.

Machines seem to be left-brain dominant
power reductions
as compared with
Left with Right-balancing organisms.

For robotic machines,
punishing or rewarding communities,
leviathan bureaucratic
autocratic societies,
lifeless planetary spheres,
power is either on or off,
energy is positive or negative.

For living organisms,
individual through holonically Earth-wombed,
power is both regenerative
and degenerative,
positive and negative;

Not digitally governed by our either/or switch
but analogically healed, developed
and wounded, decomposing
with both/and holistic interdependent consciousness.

Human nature
sounds like a robotic analogy
and hopelessly predictable,
dully rational
as a LeftBrain dominant machine.

Humane nature/spirits
feel organically metaphoric
polyphonic
polypathically rounded
theo/eco-logical music composed
and decomposed,
marvelously trans-rational
as left with right hemispheric balance,
rhythm, communal
pitch, cultural
resonance, EarthWomb global
Soul,
ZeroZone regenerative
more powerful than degenerative,

Yet organic cycles
and recycles,
purpose
and repurposes of life
decomposing death
require both
to recreate
recompose
recologize
recognize
theologize
musical soul
as powerful
resonant
both-thought/and-felt structure.

But, when we started singing together
I knew
for sure
he, as we,
feels more and better
as metaphoric musicians
than analogical machines.

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Swing Low Sweet Chariot

One way
I know this afrocentric music,
rather than a eurocentric mere performance piece,
is longing for
a sweet and swinging chariot,
rather than a messiah white and male.

I know
this is a cooperative-felt spirit,
and not so much a competition,
because of how
word choices and round rhythms
combine to pitch longing free safe home.

A freestyle journey
to a rich robust and polycultured freedom
of tribes long living
loving Earth’s peace paradise.

A paradise
western civilization
has not sung or danced,
out loudly joyed about
for far too long
without a warm cooperative song

Swinging low and high
in sweetly waving gold
ruled and ratioed
traveler’s chariot,

Coming and going
racing forth and back
to carry us
in and out of home

To freedom’s too long lost,
stolen, kidnapped
while we were dreaming,
singing and dancing with another day
dreaming nights of disembodied free,

Anxiously anticipating,
weary
and yet warmly welcoming.

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Sins of Our Fathers

In hindsight
I suspect my dad silently hoped,
secretly conceived,
vicariously needed his dream
I would become a multi-talented musician.

He said, No.
behind my mother’s gentle apron
strings of soft-voiced disappointment,
but also hidden within unspoken fear
of Catholic influence
when I was invited to join
The Vienna Boy’s Choir.

I was too young.
I would be missed–the farm was an absorbing enterprise.
I wasn’t ready.
They weren’t ready, yet,
to let go.

But, then offers of guitar
and piano
and trombone lessons,
and choir
and worship music leader
soon followed,
as if from straight white watered
washed
and lied patriots
blessed by prize-giving patriarchs
who listened barely long enough
to hear I was marketably good
as an entertainer,
a professional,
not just another deep soul singer
or deeply soiled male dancer.

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The Warm and Caring Muse

Music
is so amusing
as warm caring
entirely uncold nondespairing

Yet, curiosity
compels cooperative courage,
while competitions in courage
disperse
absorb
devour curiosity.

Music
is curious communication
more right-brain prominent
than courageous left-brain dominant,

But, competitive solo performance
anxiety
is not amusing,
not cooperative,
not a warm inviting environment
for knowing music’s resonant lessons,
harmonic and dissonant experience,
atomically noted
and wave-circular
spiraling
cycling
and recycling
repurposing effluence;

And theoretical major Yang
and Yintegral minor transition keys
of conflicting transformations
from color to spectrum, and back again
branch to tree, and bilateral root systemic shadow structure
culturally supported future nutrients
remembering historic past health-wealth,
ego-key to eco-scales, circular and fractal-linear
ego-climate to eco-global atmosphere
identity to individuation, still individuating life
within love’s global EarthMother promise,

Music to muse, to multicultural metaphor
creation to creator, double-binding
to recreative process, energy democracy
voice, synergetic
communion
communication
democratic co-operation
energetic co-passion
eco/theo-logical metaphonic networks
of co-relational notations,
vibrations,
rhythm and pitch, color and tone
emerging through silent caring intention,
play,

Both curiously left-voiced
and courageously right-unvoiced integrity
symphonic
harmonic, karmic
synergetic

And never truly
absolutely finished,
dead-listed
fragmentary
unlusted
disloved
mortal;
The Ended.

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Polyphonic Metaphor

Sacred music and liturgies
are not merely leaves and flowers
produced by complex and richly branched
and sub-branched analogies,
between ecological and theological root metaphors
of co-arising nurture;
between naturaLeft and spiritualRight co-experience
of Earth’s spiraling revolutionary nutrition;
East to West horizoned
healthy light intention.

Each regeneration absorbing fertile flowering fruit
to recreate communal caring communication
climax
through primal musical vibrant metaphor
of ego-death mortality
compassioned yintegrity
repurposed into regenerational eco-lives,
past through future win/win epic intentions,
virtuous virality of EarthTribe’s manic DNA
for thriving health
as wealthy Yangish solo anthems.

Each courageous ego
a metaphor for Earth’s curiously spiraling revolution
iconic of DNA’s bilaterally rising and falling structural evolution,
curved waves
yang and yin spherical iconic metaphors
for left and right cranial hemispheres
emerging informed by patriarchal Western predative history
and nondualistically reformed Eastern enculturation
cooperatively co-parasitic;

Creolizing curious white light supremacy
as not not color multicultural sublimation,
monocultural suppression,
both/and polyphonic and polypathic
right-brain resonant
so also left-brain super-resilient
multicultural ecological co-empowering
monocultural theology
supplanting ego’s pursuit of monotheistic disempowering
from-above wealth

Of communally sung and danced metaphor,
sacred silent
replete with secular vibrations,
seductive and reductive,
inductive and deductive
co-arising ego/eco-sublime
metaphoric muse
of cultured octave scale
and tone
and hue;
vibrating tables of eight-fold elements
eco/theo-logically metaphonic
cooperative caring communion
both/and disunion.

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Too Long Past Due

What’s the point of suicide
when I feel already dead inside?

Too long past due
pulling breath’s last plug
last gasp
last primal scream
for and against capital colonizing campaigns
but acted out in dizzying silent mime,
rumored to be a scary thing
this last big surrendering event
before unconsciousness
of changing time
marching inevitably forward
and backward,
out
and back in
until no more back
or in.

But what frightens this fading identity most,
No one will know a difference,
notice I’m different,
least of all
decaying from within
me.

Already unconscious
subconscious,
merely skirting conscious life
precedes flirting with absence of awareness,
burning bridges
pulling life plugs
turning out my lights
already too dark to hear
fear memories
too alarming to feel
images
too disarming to care for power
for light

Too defining
future past experience
enlightening
too long
refining
past due
healing
organic capital investments
ourselves
too long overdue.

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