My most troubling client
told me he died last night.
While this did not appear to be his somber case,
nor, sadly,
did my home office silently resound
like this was his actual historical peace,
I did conjure up sufficient energy
to ask why he thought so
or felt so
or hoped so
or feared so
and probably all of the above.
Why not invite
this spectral tsunami
overshadowing life’s reverberating days
and nightmare nights?
I have no prior experience,
no words
for comparison or explanation,
he replied,
I realize I am not naturally dead
but feel spiritually disassociated,
withdrawn diverse inside
And not entirely out enough
as if
in my nocturnal half-life
I wandered lost last night
and failed to fully reassemble.
So this feels like spiritual and unnatural failure?
Failed to fully return
to business as daytime usual,
to orthodox reasonable integrity,
to all insanity of inhumane nature
out of interdependent touch
with outdoor Earth kin,
nature-spirit Elders,
ancient ring-wrinkling trees
witnessing history
already before Nina
Pinta
and Santa Maria,
cut and bound European cousins
arrived on Eastern Atlas shores…
You talk a lot
for one so dead.
Is there a difference
between Eastern Atlas space
and Eastern U.S. Atlantic bounded place?
Maybe this is a failure,
pacific weakness;
certainly a loss.
Each natural species opportunistically suspects
yet cannot risk imagining
what spiritual difference could remain
within what is left of natural Us.
Perhaps we feel drained
strained
de-brained
maimed
blamed
shamed
reamed by Herculean angst,
absence of health developed spiritual curiosity
and courage…
to pull all my self chosen gods and improper goddesses
together again
each morning resurfacing
into yet another cooperatively longing day.
Perhaps.
Although gods and goddesses do not sound sufficiently accurate,
nor historically courageous
resurfacing this discontinuity
before and after my regathering alarm,
bugled and bungled into each foggy day…
I feel, still, my sacred loss of outside presence.
To die our sacred disempowering death
To competing devilish inside challenges,
To belong cooperative EarthGarden awakened
gripped by supreme ego lost
shadow of light’s Source,
outdoor business time’s nature/spirit boundary
threshold of ZeroSum heart
playing organic EarthGame’s finest
green commons Paradise–
outdoor courageous success
behind indoor curious failure
to awaken quite wrongly dead again.
Natural secularizing life,
falling and failing through bilateral integrity
as Earth allied
All over again
this personal
and contractual
and constitutional well-born morning,
not quite competitively reassembled.
What remains
paid less to keep consuming
but more properly reimbursed to keep bothering to breathe
bad inside air.
As they say,
Shop till dead Time drops
dispersed
depersonalized
dissonant
desacramented
autonomous ego
ReAcclimating toward more cooperative eco-resilient
interdependent integrity…
As he continued disassembling
Ancient branched witnesses turned to enter deeper rooted notes,
Our most troubling spiritual student
dismissed us from domestic servitude
as s/he died last night
As if one human had exclusive rights
of nutrition empowering sovereignty.
We winked back
and said ThankYou
And don’t let that over-lumbered door
slap you down
on our way outside and in,
more competitively cooperating again.
gdill52 