Author Archives: gdill52

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Communion Parasites

I worry about being unfair to other benign parasites
in my feeding-frenzy faith community,
and to myself,
because I need
and/or want
a residential
intentionally cooperative
resiliently win/win consensus
co-investing
co-managing
eco-responsible and responsive
health-wealth community.

This feels rather much to ask
of someone already satisfied with a weekly sanctuary bath,
washing off some of the weekday BusinessAsUsual compost,
looking for ever renewing possibilities for repurposing trash
into refueling treasure.

I fear afflicting innocent souls
with my competitive capitalistic commodifying infliction
endangering all sacred values
averse to genuflecting before all secularized disvalues;

My own intentional community dreams
of relief from justice as revenge
anticipate double-binding win/win commitment to mercy
as peace restoring justice
for mutually healing purposes,

Sacred sanctuary relations between and among
strong-faithed cooperative parasites on MotherEarth,
actively seeking ego-systemic kindness within
and eco-systemic compassion
communioned
communicated
through commonly-held metaphoric verbals
and metaphysical non-verbals,
motions and emotions also shared
without my own comfortably sacred faith community.

I worry this desire of mine
bears little difference
than a hope to live in a multicultural gym
rather than to come in,
invest in twenty aerobic minutes on empty rows of exercise bikes,
take a quick, very private, shower,
and leave enough hot water
for all future regenerations.

Efficient,
like commercial sandwich bread,
but not really the stuff of robust communion.

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Coming Courageously Home

I’m returning home
from a bag it yourself grocery,
and listening to an African-American novelist
respond to questions,
actual open-ended real NPR questions,
like old school inquisitive journalists once asked
before the polarizing days and nights
of fake right/wrong answer questions
and their concomitant fake avoid entrapment non-responses.

Anyway,
I don’t hear his name,
or the title of his latest published work,
although it may be The Water Dancer
but then again, maybe not.

You would think I would be too embarrassed
to courageously publish
this piece
so carelessly
unsystematically researched.

But, he says,
“We do not do well
to expect courageous behavior
from systems”
or something to that political and economic effect.

Thinking with him about the slavery/property-ownership system,
about capitalization and colonization and commodification systems,
my first response
is to celebrate
this profound and wise soundbite,
both quotable
and true to my own experience
of disempowering monoculturing systems.

But, then I think of several exceptions
to the cowardice incentivizing rule
of authoritarian systems,

Like wildly robust cooperative ecosystems
and even vulnerable volunteer ego-systems,
biosystems zealously loyal to win/win compassionate outcomes
without which we would have no language systems
or experience of courage
or cowardice,
integrity or fragmenting mendacity.

Yet, why does he so boldly say,
and why do I so instinctively and enthusiastically agree,
that systems produce win/lose compromising
servile
bureaucratic timid behavior?
Too often hidden shadows
lurking behind deliberate non-communication.

This free and brave individual
competing against an unhealthy craven society
is a plot line
that seems to go back to Adam and Eve
playing blame and shame
with their Great Systemic Gardener.

Then I realize
it’s not that organic systems are unsupportive of co-invested courage,
it is corporate systems,
monetized systems,
colonizing systems
extractive technocratic systems
producing commodification of secularized values,
reduced from sacred courage and integrity and health

Rather than inviting wealthy health values
into our responsive compassionate selves
working and playing in cooperatively owned
and managed,
responsible and authoritative,
nutritious and nurturing,
courageous and curious
flow systems of commonly-held ergodic energy
good healthy humor
vocations positive,

Invocations wealthy and robust
with co-inspiring witness
courage
listening and speaking unflinching compassion,
candor for self and other mutual health care
embodying interdependent Golden Rules
and zero ego/eco-ratio zones of co-acclimation.

Destroying curious and stressed systems
demands bad humored win/lose bullies
detached
careless
mindless
broken.

Creating resilient robust systems
invites good humored win/win courage
commitment
constantly changing curiosity.

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BiNomial Communion

Children,
and the occasional healthy adult,
wonder why we say
Love grows more powerful than hate,
And why ecologists say
Multicultural ecosystems grow more resiliently
than post-climaxed monocultures
degeneratively fragmenting,

And yet we have these LeftBrain dominant either-or attitudes,
zero-sum evolutionary platitudes,
that differences in cultures
and religions
and species
and tribes
are more important to us
than our polyculturing
creolizing
intersections of polypathic similarities.

What our left brains discover
as natural analogy,
sometimes elaborate branching trees
of nutritionally co-relational ecology,
our right brains have prehistorically felt urged to uncover
as underlying spiritual metaphor,
dynamically ethological
secular purpose recovering
sacred meaning re-exploring.

LeftBrain:
I think I agree
with nondualistic Buddhists
that communication,
like nutrition,
can be punishingly fragmenting
or healthily integrating,
and usually diverse choices,
verbal and non-verbal,
outside and inside in-between.

RightBrain:
I feel we do not disagree.
Yet your way of sensing
seems awkward and reversed,
As communication is part of nutrition,
not only an ecological relationship
but a polypathic naturing/nurturing metaphor
for detached feeling climates
and primally attached multicultures
of resilient left either/or analogy, lie-group testing,
resonant right both/and metaphor.

LeftBrain:
It is awkward
to both metaphysically think
and physically feel
this left/right co-arising dipolar way
narrow
with deep learning metaphoric width, sweeping breadth
of dynamically sacred,
eternally timeless,
statically secular,
reductively deductive
co-relational space.

RightBrain:
I’m feeling like you need to have the last word again.

LeftBrain:
Bicamerally right analogy
so left metaphonic communion;
health as happiness
wealth of integrity.

RightBrain:
(non-verbally non-articulated) [Synergy]

LeftBrain:
I can still hear you,
you know.
This is an inside win/win game,
so none of your non-verbal feeling tricks
are effective for non-communication.

RightBrain:
LeftBrain:
OK,
so I can’t see or hear that,
but I know I’m ego-safe
and we still ecopolitically matter
co-arisingly dipolar
together.

RightBrain:
…

LeftBrain:
Hmmm…
Children,
and the occasional healthy adult,
wonder why we say
Love grows more powerful than hate,
Yet act and feel capital invested
the other competing way around.

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Transformation v Change

Today I heard,
despite considerable dissonance,
a distinction between external change
and internal transformation.

This feels like a difference with some merit,
but reminds me of further nuances
and possibilities for healthy
and pathological transitions,
great and small.

Transformation
seems like a good thing.
A negative internal change
evokes words like
deterioration,
fragmentation,

While “change”
works for me
as positive or negative,
more neutral without context,
direction determined by environmental co-arisings,
or yet to become determined,
evaluated,

And what about the cause-effect
and/or co-arising relationship,
or lack of relationship,
between exterior changing climates
and interior transforming/fragmenting cultures
or climates,
character
and character assassinations?

I remember Gregory Bateson’s fascination
with “acclimation”
which he concluded is, in some ways,
co-acclimation–
more often creolizing
than colonizing.

Which brings me back
to noticing that “climate change”
feels like climate fragmentation
and my growing pre-traumatic stress
does not feel at all like a healthy transformation;
more like debilitation

Further evoking discernment
about how our cultural subclimates of disability,
fracture,
disruption of ego/eco-centric balance,
contribute to toxicity
of exterior climate change.

Perhaps “transition” is a better interior consort
for the exterior neutered face of “change”;
and here we all are,
together and yet too far apart
in this unprecedented time
of Re/De-Generative Change
and billions of individual small
yet Great Transitions.

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Praising EcoFeminist Climates

Economically comfortable civilians,
without militarized propaganda indoctrination,
without physical neglect or abuse experience,
without religious blame and shame intimidation,
may sustainably recognize themselves as safe,
while stressed about why they do not matter,
do not feel needed
or even uniquely loved and wanted.

We are not born this way.
When an infant
receives no environmental cues
providing chronic stress
about “Am I safe?”
then the right-brain’s, “Do I matter?”
remains dormant,
unquestioned
within early co-empathic win/win default.

The social
and political
and economic question of interdependent value
is assumed to be Positive
when the left-brain is resiliently satisfied
about ego-safety,
thrivability for the foreseeable future
rooted in rapidly growing environmental nutrition experience;
ecologically healthy,
more than pathological,
climates of enculturation.

I have learned,
especially during my win/lose adolescent exploration years,
but not only then,
that meeting all criteria for physical safety
speaks to the Negatives healthy mindbodies must avoid,
toxicities endemic to social-political risks
of left-brain dominant intelligence,
but only implicitly hints at co-arising dipolarities
of and for our interdependent wealth healthy identity
through win/win communication,
intersectional effectiveness,
sacred meaning and spiraling vocation,
secular purpose and cooperative avocation.

The feminist,
knowing s/he is against patriarchy
and concomitant monocultural corporatism,
monopolistic commodification of social values,
colonizing win/lose hyperactive intent
rooted in supremacist
safe and secure sense of entitlement,
yet not able to articulate what s/he is for,
is a good example
of one who believes s/he could be safe
on a right-brain prominently interdependent
win/win matriarchal Earth,
but has no active enculturation
to thereby uncover egoleft-ecoright
health-wealth interdependent meaning.

Going back to my original list
of environmental hazards to avoid
for left-brain sustainable safety security,
absence of militarized lose/lose
cognitive/emotive co-arising complex chaos
does not explicitly invite peaceful win/win compassionate communication,
communion,
community.

Avoiding physical neglect and abuse is necessary,
but not at all sufficient,
to sustain emotional appreciation and active support
through healthy wealth
of cooperative inter-relational experiences,
recreative joy and profoundly creative celebration,
like making robust resonant harmonies
music,
regenerating music’s internally felt dance,
not only solo,
but with a partner,
within a family,
a community of peers,
a shared globally mediated stage
of song and dance
resistance and celebration
of shared compassion.

Avoiding religious blame and shame games
is not sufficient
to discover natural/spiritual nondualistic win/win
compassion games
defining wealth as refining health,
uncovering right-brain resonance
by discovering left-brain resilience,
explicating opportunity for meaning
without implicating great risk of unsafe egocentric purpose,
informing yang/yin robust intersectionality
without exflowing left or right mindbody egalitarian intelligence.

It remains easier to let go of win/lose patriarchal cultures
as we become more adept
with grabbing hold of win/win ecofeminist climates.

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Climate Rise Up

As I write this, thousands of people are gathering to listen with each other, to sing, perhaps to dance more than walk in striking solidarity for climate health. I have been thinking of this moment, this event, this day, this strike on this sacred Earth all week.  And, each time this gathering comes to mind, so does Cassandra Batie and Jennifer Decilveo’s 2016 anthem, “Rise Up.”

This variation on Batie and Decilveo’s lyrics I sing in tears of joy and deep sorrow with those who are on their way, drawing near toward the sound and sight of each others’ voices.  I would love to join you in person, but old bones and heart and mind have learned that my climate anxiety flares into manic hope at such events, and then I pay the suicidal ideation price on my way home, feeling alone, hopeless.

I believe for every face and voice seen and heard at a Climate Strike gathering around the world today, there is at least another, and probably several others, with you in swelling heart, in passionate mind, in loving soul, but, like me, have learned that our Great Transition role, however resonant, will best remain resilient as we Rise Up on our front porches and back yards, in our forests and ocean shores, on our rivers and lakes, to sing to Earth’s tired trees, to dance to aching birdsong, to remember when we were young, more hopeful, more proud of what we can yet accomplish within Earth’s sacred solidarity.

Humbled now, this is dedicated to those more visible, to know we are millions already belonging together within this shared Great Transition, Great Turning, Great Reweaving with you; and with gratitude to Cassandra Batie and Jennifer Decilveo for Rise Up, embodied and well-sung hope.

I have been your living Earth;
I will live and die through you.

I will be your blood born sap;
You will live and die with me.

This Great Transition
into owning competitive responsibility
for climates of pathology and health,
inward and outward,
composed of all past energies,
small co-arising transitions
reweavings
regenerations
now contained in Earth’s soil,
Her rebirthing baptismal waters,
Her buoyant air,
Her fertile winds
and purging fires.

Earth’s broken down
and tired
of living love
on this unmerry-go-round,

And I can’t see Her lovers
but I hear life in you
so we gon’ rise Earth up,
Move mountains,
we gon’ walk love out
and heal oceans.

And we’ll rise up,
We’ll rise each Earth’s day,
We’ll rise up,
We’ll rise unafraid,
We’ll rise up
and we’ll love life a thousand times again;

And we’ll rise up
high like Earth’s waves,
We’ll rise up
in spite of life’s ache,
We’ll rise up
and give love a million times again,

For Earth,
For you,
Earth, for you;

When our silence isn’t quiet
and it feels like we’re growing hard to breathe
and we know Earth feels like dying,
Then I promise we’ll raise the Earth to Her feet,
Heal forests,
Bring Earth’s tribes to our feet
and move mountains.

All we need,
All we need is hope
And for faith we have each other,
And for peace we have each other;

And we will rise
we will rise
we will rise
we will rise,

We’ll rise like Earth’s day
We’ll rise up,
We rise unafraid,
We rise up
and we’ll love life a thousand times again,

And we’ll rise up
high like Earth’s waves,
We rise up
in spite of hate’s ache,
We rise up
and Earth does love a million lives again.

For Earth,
We will rise
we will rise

We will rise
for you,
Earth will rise with you.

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Slow-Cooked Conversion Stories

I was raised in one of those white nationalist churches,
passing itself off as a Christian evangelical Bible church,
where “evangelical” meant fundamental
and “fundamental” meant we did not interpret scripture
but accepted it as God’s literal trans-historical Word
of universal white male dominant
Bible thumping supremacy,
transcendently un-changing like…
like…
like nothing I’ve ever seen or heard
or smelled or tasted

Which is why we call not-Him-or-Her “God”
and not “SuperEgo”
or multicultural “Gaia”

Or anything else.
It turns out “God”
is a bit like not saying Valdemore’s name;
As Yahweh
is more about the ambiguously missing vowels
than their YHWH
YYXY
Either/Or-Both/And
bicameral structure.

Anyway, enough about sacred bisensory ecology.
While at People’s Bible Church
I was told, by all the white heterosexual adults
supporting and educating me
that being born again is not a gradual thing,
like growing into a pubescent body,
but instant,
like convenient oatmeal
or inferior mashed potatoes.

If I could not say,
with one hundred percent persuasion,
that I was reborn in Christ
on May 8, 1964
at 2:53 PM
Eastern Savings Time,
Just as I was originally born
on May 8, 1952
at 2:53 A.M.,
much to my mother’s inconvenience–
finished just in time to get home
to our dairy farm
for an unleisurely visit with “The Girls”
during her morning milking parlor gig–
Then the deviant
devilish mark of Satan
still clouds my not so milky white
not straight enough
not truly pure soul.

Such instant and yet resilient grace
felt unlikely to me.

I did not instantly lose hope
for a hot SantaDaddy
sliding down our family chimney
emerging from the family wood-burning furnace,
scorched of unnecessary
and superfluous clothes
to give me all the fruited manly gifts
I have felt so empty without
warm and wet accompaniment,
accomplishment.

Gradually,
over several years of neglecting this Santa myth
as cultural fantasy,
I did not wake up on May 8, 1956,
at 2:53 A.M.
and announce to all those not listening,
“I no longer believe in Santa Claus.”

De-mythification progress
seems to take me
about as long as my left-brain
dominating commodification process
took to grow into queer adolescence,
feeling unsafe,
unwanted,
with a best case possible future
of invisible insignificance,
hidden deeply beneath healthy humility.

Just as it took awhile to comfortably acclimate
to the toothlessness of myth,
It took me all my development years
on into late adolescence
to be sure that I would never safely
or resiliently convert
into a heterosexual.

When we were mutually experimenting grade school boys
during not much sleep overs
I was sure we shared the same destiny–
future heterosexuals,
Mr. Cleavers,
Mr. Smiths
not all too fascinated with Mr. Johnsons.

I didn’t suddenly realize,
“Oops. I failed to convert.”
Maybe I was a late bloomer,
just as some girls get pubes
and teats
and mensies later on
which seemed like more unfair girl pressure
than just sprouting new hair in old moist places
and growing at least somewhat less girlish voices.

Just as there was no May 8, 2:53 P.M.
of any year
when I knew,
“OK, that’s it.
It’s done growing
in both length and width.”
I had no day or night
when I said,
“OK, that’s it.
I choose to be queer”
so I can be the target of hate crimes,
bad jokes,
white Christian heterosexual predators,
bigoted employers,
homophobic police
and teachers
and parents
and siblings,
and preachers

Fully capable of witnessing against me
the exact date, time, and year
they began their life long love affair
with white male Jesus Christ,
straight (presumably) Jewish carpenter’s apprentice,
Son of God and…
and…
God,
who finished creating Earth,
and at least our entire Solar System,
exactly seven days
after He started, on May 8th
at 2:53 A.M.,
year 0000.

I have developed health-considered faith
in win/win progressive processes.
I accept that faith actively hopes in unseen relationships,
unheard communications,
unnoticed actions and reactions.

Still,
I find an always changing
transparent
vulnerable,
courageously curious difference
between left-brain statements of verbal instant faith,
and right/left-brain emerging lifeskill learnings
conversions
healings
redemptively felt economies,
salvific co-relational powers,

And I have trouble believing
that such ubiquitous differences
between slow-grown processive maturation
and imitative instant role-playing
is only accessible to queers,
white, black, brown, red, purple, green, or ultra-violet,
born on May 8, 1952
at 2:53 A.M.
much to the inconvenience
of busy heterosexual
pre-millennial dairy farmers.

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Are We Safe?

Am I safe?
Do I matter?

Are we safe?
Do we matter?

Am I sustainably healthy?
Do I resonantly matter enough?
to survive win/lose evolutionary assumptions
about history,
to thrive within win/win multicultural wealth.

According to the amygdala center
of our Default Mode Network
bicameral in/ex-formation processor,
“Am I safe?”
we originally ask of EarthMother womb,
While “Do I matter enough to survive?”
MotherEarth asks of still individuating me/we.

Climate and multicultural trends
premillennially presumed to answer “Yes!”
to both questions
optimistically predicting win/lose evolution
would lead,
through MotherEarth’s manifestly destined reach,
toward win/win Alpha/Omega Tipping Point Balance,
ZeroParadise organic zones
of multicultural design
for enriched polyculturing global outcomes.

But,
in this post-millennial Time,
Whose mighty Yang Amygdala
does not answer these same questions
with a crippling and troubling,
dissonant “No!”?

I am not safe
from inhumane mortality of life,
for cooperatively interdependent species,
for survivable Earth history
for continuing communication,
for complexly organized organic relationship.

Do I matter?
to survival history of Earth,
to thrival win/win multicultural economies
regenerationally reborn by EarthMothers
of all colors
and stripes
and spots
haired and furred,
wooled and feathered,
shelled and fish-scaled.

Are we safe?
How deeply
and extensively
do we matter
to Earth’s living history?
to GaiaEarth’s healthy multicultural outcomes
and incomes,
divestments and investments,
detachments and attachments,
degenerations and regenerations,
entropy and energy?

Why are we safe/not safe?
How do we matter/not matter?

What is the historic significance of communication;
the multicultural transcendence of relationship?

Why are we health
communicating?
How do we widely
and deeply wealth
rooted relationships?

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Eden Garden Dreams

Gardens,
like dreams
and other multiculturing complexities,
process
and sometimes progress into becoming ripe,
then unbecoming dormancy,
advent of and for regardening
redreaming seeds
preparing to further process

Perennial primal roots deepening into
new spring’s progressive attachment
network of polycultural dream garden nutrition,
aesthetic nurture,
ethical nature,
animating spirit of Earth’s co-arising life.

Eden’s original rising
and subsequent falling Garden
surrounds our GreenTribal Tree
of Ego/Eco-centering Life and WinterDeath.

The Creator’s forbidden foreshadow Tree
of Good and Evil
is a secondary,
yet divinely co-inspired, Tree
on our LeftBrain monocultural way
toward reducing Life to Good
and seducing Death through Evil–

Dreaming up and down
Win to Lose evolutionary models
and capitalism’s mono-atheistic further investments
in secularizing-commodifying Life
while spiritualizing accommodating Death;
praising win-win peace
while raising lose-lose Falls
re-enacting retributive divine greed,
detached disdaining injustice,
childish, perhaps adolescent at best, pettiness.

Evil, like Death,
is no more original
than the Great Fall and Eternal Winter,
whether we see and hear,
taste and touch
as divine Gardeners
or merely regenesis EarthTribal dreamers
of generic Spring uprisings
and Summer sensory climaxes
for Eden’s Tree of cooperatively original EcoLife,
and secondarily hibernating foreshadows of Ego-Death

Waiting
like an original Falling spring
for our ecofeminist deep green learning RightBrain

Rising Up
like a new spring garden,
like a dreaming root-systemic Tree
of GoodLife win-win cooperative processes
and EvilDeath lose-lose competitive climate pathology
of and for further revolutionary
divinely inspired creations,
re-creations,
evolutions and devolutions
in Eden Gardens,
regenerative and degenerative dreams
co-arising good and evil fruit
absorbed by ecofeminists
and devoured by patriarchs

Together
equally interdependent
in good life
through evil death
EarthTribal loyalty,
interdependent patriotism,
universal solidarity,
compassion,
love

Original humane/divine attachment
and secondary wealth detachment
and tertiary health regenesis.

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Green Repent

Birthing genesis back to We
Falling out as from freedom’s favorite tree
Rebirthing Earth wombs warm content
Extending out where gospel time grows bent

Through Creation’s prism for network Time
To originally fall from divine sublime
Into rising place of uncultured wandering
Back to exodus from which we came
Regenesis longing free fall belonging

Death lies squandering
Last of climate originating Falls
Tolerating winter
To rebirth genesis
Back to Spring
Summering in a sycamore tree
Rebirthing Earth watching warm co-investment
Passions growing out
Where green revival Time flows rebent

Repent warm womb falling
Into unspent wandering to rise.

 

 

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