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Slow-Cooked Conversion Stories

I was raised in one of those white nationalist churches,
passing itself off as a Christian evangelical Bible church,
where “evangelical” meant fundamental
and “fundamental” meant we did not interpret scripture
but accepted it as God’s literal trans-historical Word
of universal white male dominant
Bible thumping supremacy,
transcendently un-changing like…
like…
like nothing I’ve ever seen or heard
or smelled or tasted

Which is why we call not-Him-or-Her “God”
and not “SuperEgo”
or multicultural “Gaia”

Or anything else.
It turns out “God”
is a bit like not saying Valdemore’s name;
As Yahweh
is more about the ambiguously missing vowels
than their YHWH
YYXY
Either/Or-Both/And
bicameral structure.

Anyway, enough about sacred bisensory ecology.
While at People’s Bible Church
I was told, by all the white heterosexual adults
supporting and educating me
that being born again is not a gradual thing,
like growing into a pubescent body,
but instant,
like convenient oatmeal
or inferior mashed potatoes.

If I could not say,
with one hundred percent persuasion,
that I was reborn in Christ
on May 8, 1964
at 2:53 PM
Eastern Savings Time,
Just as I was originally born
on May 8, 1952
at 2:53 A.M.,
much to my mother’s inconvenience–
finished just in time to get home
to our dairy farm
for an unleisurely visit with “The Girls”
during her morning milking parlor gig–
Then the deviant
devilish mark of Satan
still clouds my not so milky white
not straight enough
not truly pure soul.

Such instant and yet resilient grace
felt unlikely to me.

I did not instantly lose hope
for a hot SantaDaddy
sliding down our family chimney
emerging from the family wood-burning furnace,
scorched of unnecessary
and superfluous clothes
to give me all the fruited manly gifts
I have felt so empty without
warm and wet accompaniment,
accomplishment.

Gradually,
over several years of neglecting this Santa myth
as cultural fantasy,
I did not wake up on May 8, 1956,
at 2:53 A.M.
and announce to all those not listening,
“I no longer believe in Santa Claus.”

De-mythification progress
seems to take me
about as long as my left-brain
dominating commodification process
took to grow into queer adolescence,
feeling unsafe,
unwanted,
with a best case possible future
of invisible insignificance,
hidden deeply beneath healthy humility.

Just as it took awhile to comfortably acclimate
to the toothlessness of myth,
It took me all my development years
on into late adolescence
to be sure that I would never safely
or resiliently convert
into a heterosexual.

When we were mutually experimenting grade school boys
during not much sleep overs
I was sure we shared the same destiny–
future heterosexuals,
Mr. Cleavers,
Mr. Smiths
not all too fascinated with Mr. Johnsons.

I didn’t suddenly realize,
“Oops. I failed to convert.”
Maybe I was a late bloomer,
just as some girls get pubes
and teats
and mensies later on
which seemed like more unfair girl pressure
than just sprouting new hair in old moist places
and growing at least somewhat less girlish voices.

Just as there was no May 8, 2:53 P.M.
of any year
when I knew,
“OK, that’s it.
It’s done growing
in both length and width.”
I had no day or night
when I said,
“OK, that’s it.
I choose to be queer”
so I can be the target of hate crimes,
bad jokes,
white Christian heterosexual predators,
bigoted employers,
homophobic police
and teachers
and parents
and siblings,
and preachers

Fully capable of witnessing against me
the exact date, time, and year
they began their life long love affair
with white male Jesus Christ,
straight (presumably) Jewish carpenter’s apprentice,
Son of God and…
and…
God,
who finished creating Earth,
and at least our entire Solar System,
exactly seven days
after He started, on May 8th
at 2:53 A.M.,
year 0000.

I have developed health-considered faith
in win/win progressive processes.
I accept that faith actively hopes in unseen relationships,
unheard communications,
unnoticed actions and reactions.

Still,
I find an always changing
transparent
vulnerable,
courageously curious difference
between left-brain statements of verbal instant faith,
and right/left-brain emerging lifeskill learnings
conversions
healings
redemptively felt economies,
salvific co-relational powers,

And I have trouble believing
that such ubiquitous differences
between slow-grown processive maturation
and imitative instant role-playing
is only accessible to queers,
white, black, brown, red, purple, green, or ultra-violet,
born on May 8, 1952
at 2:53 A.M.
much to the inconvenience
of busy heterosexual
pre-millennial dairy farmers.

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Queer Music

They lived across from each other
on and off the center floor dorm hall,
both on the much discussed
controversial LeftWing side.

Yang perused Yin’s CDs,
“I see you like that queer music,
Elton John
and Luther VanDross
and George Michael.
I didn’t notice that before.”

Yin responds quietly
calmly
amused:

First,
I don’t believe music is gay or straight,
but most everything related in-between
harmonic and dissonant,
diminished and replenished.

Lyrics may be queer or predictable
but usually flow well
either way
telling co-relating creation stories
of nature’s neural positives
and negatives
surfing back and forth
in and out
before and after
here and there
now and then
and yet to climax
polypathic health
as polyphonic wealth.

But, Second,
Feels to me all music,
maybe all muses,
are queer
when I think holistically about it,
us,
them,
verbally thought and non-verbally felt,
internally touched

By a rhetorical moment
we curiously know as music
without noticing how radically unlikely
regenerative processes
compassionate evolutions
could ever reproduce such homo-ingenious sounds,
rhythms,
patterns,
colors,
textures,
stories,
epic original empathic creations
and co-empathic octaved recreations
within such a LeftBrain heterosexual white privileged
RightWing capitalistic
narcissistically greedy
UnQueer Marching Against
the Great Historic/Futuristic muse and prophets
of harmony,
despite dissonance,
resonance,
despite fading resilience of Baby Xers,
polyphonic yin-mused light,
despite polynomial not not
climate of touch and feel dualdarkness.

Meanwhile Yang
couldn’t hear too well
since opening the window
facing spring
listening
to a cranked up RocketMan,
while athletically dancing to hot not unqueer music,
and Yin’s ears swayed tenderly after and before
queer musing
straight talk.

 

 

 

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Feather Pillowed Fighting Stalk

My handsome brown-skinned husband
was once again velvet-voiced complaining
just this morning
while I was staring
glaring at my overstuffed sock drawer,

“You are so consistently ambivalent
and reliably inconsistent
I have no idea what’s coming next
from your lack of erection direction.

You ‘both-and’ everything
hopelessly,
yet tirelessly,
looking for the perfectly balanced win-win
in a win-lose
eat or be eaten world.
I have no idea
what you would do without me.”

Although I somewhat more hopefully resemble this remark
and I can see he is not not wrong,
or right,
totally dark or totally bright,
all his “either black or white”
left-brain dominance
does sound impatiently judgmental.

So, in an impulsive moment of ginger anger,
I respond

“You are so poor
you’ve never had two co-incidental thoughts
to rub together.”

“Is that like a mixed metaphor
or something sinister
unpulled together?
Anyway, that sounds shockingly ungenerous
from win-win you.”

“Sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

“What feelings?”

“I think my question is
Which feelings did I hurt?”

“My feelings about personal wealth
and left-embodied with right-mind cooperative
win-win political health
to handle your dipolar co-arising appositions.”

Maybe I’ll go with one old dark sock
and one white privileged.

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Uncategorized

Love Hate Comparisons

I want to live in a healthy place,
at least as mature as junior high school,
where who I reciprocally love,
gay or straight or span-sexually in-between,
is not a political and economic football,
a wildly bouncing and rebounding issue
full of hot air
for others to kick around
and divest of
as they lose punishing interest.

Yet who we choose to hate,
deviantly or not,
is a BusinessAsUsual privatized non-issue
for an unhealthy society
to publicly notice
before quickly fading
into private fields
of NO TRESPASSING apartheid.

I would strongly prefer
to never apologize
for who I healthy love,
than unhealthy hate.

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Green Gay Advocate

When I was about twelve
I began to see my future
as a ruthlessly effective
overpoweringly sublime advocate for justice
as global peace outcomed and measured,
As a courtroom drama officer
of the U.S. multicultural Court EcoSystem,
A flaring hot attorney
of the U.S.
and global green
legal testosterone-preferred system.

When I was about sixteen,
I began to question the resilience
of Win/Lose ecological and theological partial-rapture Dreams.
I wanted to belong
in a more resilient WinWin restoration
of local through global peace through ecojustice
and how could I do that
in a Win/Lose punishment egosystem
designed to avoid
or at least ignore
Loser predator and Loser prey’s ultimate EarthTribe outcomes,
pathological death and dying degeneration?

When I was about twenty
I began to see myself
as a great preacher and teacher
of WinWin co-redemptive multicultural
and permaculturally perennial religion
evolving straight through reincarnate cultures
ourselves.

But, how could I become that sainted preacher
of rainbow natural and spiritually timeless integrity
as an uncommitted agnostic,
a mere investigative journalist
rather than an active subject of history’s grand full-voiced stage,
or passive object of Win/Lose greed and lusting culture?

I lack sufficient articulation
within any one integrity path,
one Paradise garden polypathic,
one walk within God’s harmonic matriarchal newborn voices,
speaking creation
through naturally diversifying generations,
Advocating spiritual renewal
restoring WinWin revolutions
across every overt and pervert and divert system
in every sacred land?

When I was about twenty-four
I felt sufficiently redeemed
as a green gay prophet
of sensory revolutionary WinWin experience,
with some Win/Lose rapacious and tragic defeating compromises
with Truth
acidically associated WinWin kinships
with Earth’s diversely sheltering lights
and rhythmic patterns
of 4Dimensioned dynamic habitats
developed through cooperatively systemic relationships.

I lacked sufficient WinWin theory
to prophetically explain
how to cooperatively recapture such profoundly prescient passion
without psychotripic supports,
not physically sustainable–
yet another Win/Lose compromised dead-end.

Then there was my forty years
of vocational wilderness wanderings,
dark night of inside winter
outside desert walks,
inside confusion,
outside complaint
inside dissonance
to tolerate Win/Lose partially recycled monoculturing compromises
inhabiting LeftBrain deductive
Either good
Or bad
dominating dualist dueling AnthroTribe,

Not worshiping
or even listening to
natural/spiritual hybrids,
like lovely lilies in green gay meadow memories,
indigenous DNA enraptured
Right/LeftBrain Win/Win outside/inside
experience of polypathic rapture,
sacred enchantments.

When I was about 64
I began to understand
how miserable I would have been
as a Win/Lose advocate
of U.S. violently punishing elite entitlements
for an anthrocentric legal system
with no orthodox health v pathology insight,
little cooperative ecological hope,
bad mono-elitist inaccessible entitlement toward MisTrust
that once we enter God’s Great Patriarchal CourtRoom
anyone could possibly become integrally healed
for and by and of and with profoundly accessible
Win/Win experiential love
for Ego co-arising therapeutic Eco-justice
inside as outside habitat
of sainted green advocates.

Now I continue
as yet another Win/Win health non-officer
of Earth’s non-patriarchal CourtSystem,
A green gay outdoor student
increasingly without indoor Win/Lose over-invested portfolio.

This green gay preacher
is happy to Green Proclaim

It does not matter,
the Source of
current climate pathology,
health-trend portfolios,
robust v mistrusted health paradigms

Whether act of Western and LeftBrain dominant
over-extraction EitherUsNow-OrThemLater culture,
or religion of overt ego-distraction,
or whether illegal Act of God v. Future Resilient Healthy Creation
This climate pathology
cries through Win/Win ecosystemic hearts
of patriarchs and matriarchs alike,
and all creatures in-between
dipolar tipping points

To remember
To restore, inside and out,
Our sacred RedSky warnings and defenses
and secular open GreenSeas
timeless landed vocational ground
soil
soul to resonate Paradise green ecojustice,
cooperatively owned
and DNA healthy polypathic
wilderness peace within
without
Time our regenerately reverberating
GreenSoul advocating Selves.

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Uncategorized

Jonathon Without David

Yin is my Taoist contemplative
named Jonathon.

He still longs for his King David intimacy
unblemished transparency.

Middle Eastern King,
a yang CEO
who also writes
and plays
and sings, maybe even harps,
ecofeminist anthems,
psalms of sacred gratitude.

Anthems raving organic purity
humane eco-care
filling nurture meetings
greetings
encounters of my most vulnerable
and best public-health transparent
love.

Grace as wealthy beloved days
through Global Climates,
cups running clear healthy water
divinely ecofeminist,
resonantly First Nation,
polypathically Taoist Yang over…

Yin, an ecofeminist monk
dreaming Jonathon.

 

 

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Predators

My older sister,
now in her early seventies,
which was about the last time
she enjoyed a new idea,
in the early 70s, possibly earlier,
I would guess…

She moved to white middle-class
Republican Texas,
with aging Texas sized unresolved adolescent issues,
not too long
after dropping out of Bob Jones University,
southern capital of all-white evangelical anti-Christian racism,
which had fallen prey to unfiltered privilege
of Republican Pharisees,
BadNews for all non-white
non-straight
polycultural ecofeminist Aliens,
therefore not authentically heterosexual white Jesus lovers,
or something patriarchal like that.

Anyway,
a few years ago
I let her know
I had recently been invaded,
not by a goodnews Hetero-Revival,
but by HIVirus.

HI!
I’m Positive.
Don’t pass it on.
Keep me to your loser self.

She emailed me back:
How do you feel about your choices
now?

A few years later
a hurricane went through Texas
and her gated community flooded
resulting in new front porch vistas
of alligators or crocodiles
or whatever Texans have down there,

besides angry straight white privileged Republicans
and Johnson Democrats of suspicious color
and green ecopolitical WinWin persuasions,

swimming upstream
hunting for white-meat prey.

I emailed my sister back,
How do you feel
about your choices
now?

Have not yet heard back.

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GLTY Anawim

A Taoist’s View of Bill Plotkin’s
Wounded Southern Orphan.

Really, dear,
that’s too long for a co-inviting title,
How about just-us for
Wounded Taoist Anawim?

Oh
I don’t think we want to go
grieving back there,
Those early teenage years
of viral WinLose hurts
and monocultural bullying.

Wounds of WesternYang against EasternYin anger
and fear of never regaining newborn WinWin
sacred childhood innocence
resonance
resilience.

Depressions and repressions
and lack of WinWin integrity guilt,
and abundance of LoseLose punishing jealousy,
and Loser victim shame
and NegativEnergy dark-yin karma.

Wounds of WinLose adolescent orphans
now compulsive
impulsive bipolar wounded ways
acting out WinLose internal-external retributions

And WinWin polypathic restorations
of innocent childhood
co-relationally free of LoseLose monoculturing
Yang against Yin
Outside against matriarchal Inside
LoseLose quarrels
yang bullying,
raping
and retributively shaming and guilting
terror
and cognitive dissonance
and chronic stress
and RightBrain nutritional sleep deprivation
and polyphonic polypathic polycultural outcome withdrawal
of innocent childhood healthy wealth
WinWin ZeroZones.

Wounded Sacred Orphans within
and without,
perennially planting
and harvesting
Immature Win-Yang
co-defined as
Lose MatriarchalYin
RightBrain sacred nutritional induction
cooperative invitations,
organic
as not so very much strategic nutritional tactics
for Future Search
cooperative outdoor-organic meetings
plannings
installations in Green ReForesting HealthSpace.

Resounding cooperatives
of and for DNA-RNA ZeroZone coinvestment
in cooperative research,
neither WinLose against
nor WinWin for WinLose
intuited adolescent
confusingly chaotic
assumptions,

LeftBrain-NorthWestBrain historically encultured
by WiseElder RightBrain-SouthEastBrain’s
sacred RNA-Green CoOperative EcoHealth
ecologically, and yet also theologically,
articulating
languaged polynomials
of ZeroZone identities
cooperative bilaterals
dipolar co-arisings WinWin secular health
bipolar co-gravitations LoseLose sacred wealth.

I was thinking of something
a bit less complex
and more Plotkin dynamically flowing.

South Wounded Orphans
complement WinNorthWest-WinSouthEast strengths
of reintegrating WiseElder North
by holding an essential cooperative southeastern GLBTQ leadership key
to sacred ego-ecological climate healing
of our fractal Adolescent Identity Wounds
for SpringTime Orphans,
unchosen
unsung
undanced seeds of adolescence

Adolescent MotherTrees can yin-sing, dear
but it’s harder to hear
they can dance through nurturing roots
long before those festive swaying branches.

MotherTrees
and smaller plants
and their WinWin pollinators too,
And their WinLose voracious predators
all becoming climate uninvited,
especially wherever we overpopulate
turning from WinWin EarthTribe thriving
back toward WinLose Wounded Adolescent Orphans
doing our innocent best
to survive such LoseLose TLGB
Lose-matriarchal to Lose-patriarchal
yin/yang-trending grief

Without YinSquared
WinWin EnLightening
DeepLearning Green Plotkin Fractal-CoOperatives
inside both outside and
Left with ElderRight
secular-sacred bicameral
dipolar co-arising
Solidarity with PolyPathically Wounded.

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Gay Yeast Ginger Bread

I know something about being a GLBT Ginger,
the undress and redress of our left leaning politics,
like sacred naked communion
for Therapeutic Warriors.

At my best,
when adolescence urged HisHer ugly ambiguous head
through pubescent tail,
I wondered if other fire redheads
and sun speckled skins
felt this co-passioned love,
desire beyond procreative need
to touch,
embrace,
to smell,
to taste,
but not to own.

How could I have known
difference between my Ginger sensuality
and gay male nervous sexuality
without more comparative communion?

Although,
in hindsight,
perhaps not quite so much commingling
of sacred elements
I invested with integrity
for sorting out these red
and blue-black,
purplish and heated
ultra-violet distinctions
of warm wet rainbow Gay ecopolitics,
with Ginger red-yin differences,
influences,
tinctures seductive and reductive,
distinctions inductive and deductive;
Integrity of wild red unrest.

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Red and Green Christians

Let’s start with a fundamental flaw of fundamentalist fake-Christianity,
a literary flaw within literal non-interpretation of historical creation
and sacred development.

This is true of radical jihadist Moslims as well,
although we both know you think you’re more special
and politically and morally correct,
so, we can stay focused
on Christian evangelical faith communities
in the United States,
especially in Red-dominant States.

True
effective
pure
loyal
faithful
integrated
mature Christian conservators of God’s peace and divine love justice
must stop interpreting the words and teachings
and moral-sexual code for healthy v pathological activities
as if JesusChrist had a dualistic view of Spirit,
of Abba
or of human nature as a whole
separated from Earth’s nature,
and as if He lived within a Trinitarian GodHead metaphysical Universe
without a JesusChrist humane-divine nondual Body.

If you truly have the faith of a mustard seed
that JesusChrist taught and lived
in a nondual humane-divine MindBody,
then this explicitly invites us to consider nonduality,
both divine spirit
and humane sacred
conjoining this interdependent Body of Christ
on Earth.

When Jesus says
Why do you worry about stupid stuff
because God made sacred flowers too
and which of you
is arrayed with that much festive splendor,
that diversity of color and beauty and Grace,
a truly Christian evangelist of this nondual teaching,
would not respond with:

“Oh, right,
but that’s just generic secular natural organisms
and physiological development processes,
but not about how God the Creator Father
arrays humanizing nature.”

That separation of Earth’s natural systems
from sacred humanizing spirits
you will not find in Jesus’ words or teachings
or metaphysical code
or moral v immoral law and order of restorative grace.

Although Trinitarianism,
and the dualism separating
Holy Spirits against secularizing Fallen nature
and patriarchal economic and political aristocratic-plutocratic dominance
against matriarchal EarthMother planters and harvesters,
those annoying motherly nurturing issues,
were alive and well
when Roman Catholic St. Jerome
was playing eeny, meany, miserly moe
with sacred stories
and parables
and poetry
and history of God’s inspiring voices,

And dualistic competitive assumptions were still there,
only now starting to military-industrialize
the entire complexion of intriguing inspiring voices
for Holy Wars and Crusades
when the newer King James Interpretation of sacred history,
literature and stories,
parables,
crucifixions,
baptisms,
violence,
sickness and disease,
floods and holocausts,
wars and burning cities with innocent children included
came into your evangelical dualistic minds
and shared fundamentalist culture of Red.

So what?
you have probably already asked.

With this error,
with this lack of personal
and political
and economic integrity,
you have harmed me,
and you have probably insulted my evangelical Christian mother,
who raised me to love
as deeply and widely
as Jesus nondually loved all Earth,
all Earth’s polycultural and multicultural diversity,
as part of one already redeemed
interdependent Body of Grace.

Grace is for those who just say Yes to love
wherever we see love invited,
one arrayed with God’s love,
with CreatorGod’s relationship with each hair
on each head,
with constantly counting all those drab, yet sacred, sparrows,
and wherever hairs are to be even most inconveniently found.

To believe otherwise,
that this sacred reign of God
on this Earth
in this time of Great Transitional Climate Change
is to interpret the words and teachings of JesusChrist
as if He did not mean them literally
of nature as spirit
and spirit as nature.

That he did not literally mean
He invites us to replace addiction to deadly blood sacrifice politics
with a cooperative economy of grace,
Earth as nondual gift,
life as fundamental gratitude
for those natural and spiritual arrayed gifts
available for eyes that see,
ears that hear.

As available as universal baptism of living waters
flowing through our veins
feeding and nurturing even the flowers
with their most festive arrays
and those drab sparrows
and all that inconvenient hair,
even when teased and bleached
to near extinction.

You have harmed me
in a way that forces you to see me
as a person who chose to become sinfully gay,
while actually having been born sacredly heterosexual.

I know this is not true about me,
or about any person with a gender preference
I have ever known
well enough to ask them:

Did you choose to be, whatever?
When did you choose to become, whatever?
Would you still be you
if the prepubescent you
had chosen to become otherwise?
Did it ever even occur to you
that you had a choice
of whom to find attractive
in either an erotic or agapic way?

If you had been given a choice,
If God came down from Heaven
maybe even in a dream
and said,
“OK, it’s time to choose,
those hairs are about to emerge from new places,
Who won this battle?”
How could you choose
to exchange the gifts you were conceived with?

So now,
if you’re following this most unlikely hypothesis
of gender identity choice,
If I didn’t choose this,
then I was recruited
by my very much happy heterosexual
evangelical fundamentalist Christian parents.

Even my evangelical Christian older brother and sister,
and my Unitarian Universalist younger sister,
who agree on not much,
will all tell you
that this recruiting thing
did not happen to me.

My older siblings
are in this sad position,
Either I chose to become homosexually perverse,
deliberately choosing a life of sin,
ostrasization
criminalization
victimization,
despite all persuasive evidence of everyone I trusted and loved
during my pre-adolescent years,
or there is a dualistic interpretation of JesusChrist’s words and teachings
that they have assumed was actually there in scripture,
but in fact they falsely believe is there
because they have been religiously indoctrinated
to deny their own spiritual-historical experience
of grace.

To deny our own histories
and herstories of truth,
loyalty to sacred integrity of our internal natural
and external spiritual
sacred climates of loving healthy love
with hating pathologically competitive hatreds.

Restorative healing grace
invites economies of polyculturing love
and these are not to become confused with
retributive justice politics
of dualistic injustices and war-
and hate-mongering.

Imagine growing up in a world
where Jesus taught you must grow up into mature polysexuality
and this was accepted and presumably experienced as true
by all you loved and trusted
except you,
hopelessly heterosexual only.

We would sing
“Onward Christian Soldiers
marching off to war…”
and you would worry
how you might possibly stay under range
of our automatic rifle fire.

That is the harm you have brought to me
through not believing in the nonduality of Earth’s Matriarchal Nature
and God’s Holy Spirit
as per the literal nature-spirit teachings
and parables of JesusChrist.

And this is the retributive monotheistic harm
you have brought into this Nation’s sacred patriotic commitment
to protect and conserve grace-arrayed beauty and health
of this Mother Land
and all of Earth’s sacred interdependent multicultures
of internal
and for external
climates of health
through less competitive dualistic pathologies.

All are invited to restore justice and peace
to turn away from OldSchool retributive injustice
and not-so-divinely inspired violence,
to vocations of healing
and not for judgments against others,
as if any one way of becoming
were not replete with multiculturing truth
and polypathic nondual sacred loves.

Imagine you were born into a RedState
where only you could see in full color,
but you have read experiences of GreenStates
in full polycultural glory.
Would you believe God is calling you
to punish all those who could only see in black and white?
Or inviting you to restore your RedState
to GreenState Traditional Arrays of Grace?

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