Uncategorized

God Is Love: Love Is God

A problem with using scripture
as a spiritual guide

More prominently
more fundamentally
more evangelically
than establishing a relationship with a mentor
a teacher
a spiritual director
facilitator
mediator
between egocentric LeftBrain dominant reading
and ecosystemic RightBrain sacred listening
for integrity
synergy
interdependent nuance
healing
divinely restorative justice,

When we first hear,
“God so loved Earth”
we naturally conclude
such compassion is incompatible
with God so loved all of Goddess Earth’s
living indigenous Tribes
regardless of colors
like green
red
yellow
brown
purple
violet
ultra-violet,
even burnt orange,
and black and white
which are more about oppositional contrasts
of light
and melanin
than any color
shade
tone brilliance or dullness
of left or right mind.

Then, later in the same verse
beloved by monoculturing missionaries,
we read
“Whosoever believes in God’s Son
will not perish
but have eternal life.”

As if these words also read,
“Whosoever does not LeftBrain hear
about God’s Great Messianic Historical Event
will perish
and will not have eternal life.”

Which RightBrain feelers for integrity,
listeners and discovers
of Win/Lose redemption-committed multicultural mediators
like Holy Spirits
universal Win/Win lovers,
compassionate teachers
and healthy resilient ecofeminist leaders
can transparently
and vulnerably hear
as a false negative corollary,

An illicit LeftBrain sin of omission
inappropriate for a universal EarthLover God

Made in humane LeftBrain verbal images
of judgment
Straight White Patriarchally entitled
to blame
and shame Others for ignorance
sin
failures of win/win universal principles
to remember to keep sacred
as Sabbath and Scripture
all Golden Rule everyday compassions

Both LeftBrain true Facts
and RightBrain beautifully interdependent Relationships
of Inform/Export-Communic-ation

Communion
Tran-substantiation
Creolization
Re-Ligion
PolyEmpathic Integrity
of individuals’ secular thoughts, local
and synergetic sacred feelings, global.

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Uncategorized

Great Faith Revolutions

I suppose we might uncover
many differences in theologies,
Eastern and Western,
Southern and Northern.

One of these differences
is not fundamentalism itself,
which appears on both polarized sides
of the natural/spiritual worldview aisle.

Yet within primal fundamental faith commitments
remains a profoundly appositional orientation,
between good faith
that each creature
is born fundamentally win/win enlightened,
in positive psychology
and in Eastern theology;

And bad faith
in Patriarchal Western traditions,
that all of segregated monotheistic
human nature
is born fundamentally win/lose disempowered
by sin and attachment
to ignorance,
illusion,
craving,
addictions,
rampant sensuality,
promiscuous and deviant sexuality,
a rather negative monocultural psychology
of a vengeful punishing spirituality

In tension with healthy attachment
to natural creatures,
to Creation,
to ReGenerative Fundamental Principles
of multicultural cooperation.

Strange, however,
in the narrative
spreading across developmental psychology,
matriarchal prime attachment theory
ecofeminist sociology and history,
global religious multicultural green
indigenous tribal wisdom,
and positive psychology,
our ecological natural
and theological spiritual narrators
begin with win/win DNA sacred scripture
cooperatively read between EarthMother nature
and Her co-acclimating fertile nurturing eggs
of integrity’s potential nutritional health,

After birth
comes the Great Fall
of RightBrain win/win
interdependent worldwideweb
for all EarthTribel,

Childhood transitions toward win/lose
LeftBrain verbal and deductive dominance,
iconized by secular capitalistic
monopolistic
patriarchal
competitive ego-perpetuating aggression
violence
colonization
enslavement

And LeftBrain rationalizing racist economics
and political straight white male privilege
to disempower victims
and sinful perps

Declaring exemptions to fundamentally Positive Golden Rules
against those who fail to scoff
at multicultural fundamental commitments
of ecofeminist Whole Earth
nature spirits.

A third moment in this narrative
reweaves Fundamental PreBorn Attachment
with Original PostBorn Sin,
making up Great Turnings
LeftBrain dominant
RightBrain prominent
overpowering Win/Lose capitalistic monoculturing
2020 revolving toward renewing polycultural
Transitions,

A mesmerizing three part story
of narrow ways
and means
and dipolar co-arising truths
moving toward remembering
our fundamental Born Again
Win/Win CoPassions

Of health optimizing wealth,
secular and sacred,
yang and yin,
left and right,
West and East,
North and South
theological ego/eco-fundamental bicamerality
for redemptive green and global
multicultural
Great Faith Revolutions.

Executive Summary:
To optimize Great Faith Revolutions,
all ingredients of Make America Great Again,
and then hear
then do
then say
then feel
then cooperatively touch
then develop a compassionate taste
for just the opposite
fundamental regenerative erection
election
direction
selection.

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Uncategorized

Peak Empathic Experiences

Send me no more peak polypathic experiences.

They are too dear
for my everyday time budget
of liberal
liberated
liberating
resonantly exhausting compassion.

I am too addicted
to conserving resilient peaks,
avoiding dissonant valleys
of mundane anonymity
sometimes winning
sometimes losing
in-between equanimity
integrity of co-empathic
co-arising intent
for more co-operatively rooted
heights of sacred generosity
reciprocally felt gratitude,
positive, democratically sustainable attitude.

Every scientific cause-effect karmic statement
of peak interactive experience
does not have to be structurally
routinely tested
before it is accepted,

But,
to become an accepted hypothesis
of peak cultural interest
it must be capable
of being deductively tested
for sequential,
and co-arising peak,
or appositional unpeak, relationship
consistent
at least within prescribed parameters.

Every faith statement
need not have been personally experienced
before it is accepted
as orthodox belief,

But, good faith must be capable
of leading toward co-arising
climaxes of copassionate experience.

History of great scientific and religious revolutions
provides examples of paradigms
and medicines
and cognitive-affective
natural-spiritual
ecological-theological therapies
found explicitly useful
long before becoming autonomous subjects
of reductive cause-effect
karmic
experiential
experimentally reified verification.

History of great faith revolutions
provides win/win
external-nature/internal-nurture
cooperative examples of medicines
and paradigms
and meditations
and thought experiments
and bicameral polyphonic confluence
found prophetically useful
long before becoming subjects
for inductive co-arising compassion.

Scientific and religious historians
would not reasonably conclude
that testing hypotheses,
of win/win positive correlations,
win/lose negative bipolar reverse correlations,
and lose/lose not/not correlated unpolynomial variables,
independent and dependent
interdependent
codependent bilateral testing is unnecessary
or ill-advised
or acts of leftbrain deductive peaking hubris.

Rather,
ecological and theological theories,
physical and metaphysical,
may be politically
and economically
and spiritually
and naturally
and culturally
and socially
and psychologically
and neurologically significant
even before leftbrain dominant tested
for peak winleft/winright experiential outcomes.

The generation of deductive theory,
like regeneration of inductive good faith statements,
grows out of abstract leftbrain thoughts
conversing with rightbrain feelings,
metaphysical thought experiments
faithfully distinct from win/win climax confirming
or win/lose physically disconfirming
or lose/lose misconfirming unexperience.

Bicameral co-arising positive faith formulation
of scientific and religious
karmic theories of causation,

linear
and/or spiraling spacetime,
leftbrain dominantly reductive
and/or rightbrain prominently inductive,
subtractive
and/or summative,
spatially differentiated
and/or spacetime holistic,

Cooperatively predict healthy resilient relationships
between understanding
and standing under holistic systemic openness
to healing win/win peak experiences,
hope,
faith,
love,
polyempathic compassion.

Capacity to envision
new co-arising ways
of perceiving peak causal phenomena
and to propose powerful prophetic explanations
for good faith
positive health perceptions
is a leftbrain characteristic
of linear-deductive metaphysical formulation,
3Dimensioned orthodox spatial maps
structures,
tropic frames of trophic reference.

RightBrain co-relational observation
and LeftBrain experimentation
do not,
in competitive isolation,
provide bicameral revolutionary peak experience
polyphonic reconceptions
without which
faithful everyday inquiry
is randomly aimless
and dispassionately blind
to peak poly-empathic experiences,

Too unresiliently dear
for ego’s everyday time budget
of good faith liberal
liberated
liberating liberation,
resonantly inhaling exhausted compassions
of history’s polycultural peak experiences.

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Uncategorized

For Greener Salvation

Merely personal green salvation
is necessarily incomplete,
All by myself,
sure to face sinful defeat.

Yet universal climate redemption
cannot become sufficiently replete,
to help my heart feel
less ignorantly stuck on re-delete

For monocultural remediation
we historically
and culturally at least try
multicultural mediation,
nonviolent communication,
polypathic emancipation,
polyphonic optimization.

Personal comparisons
and interpersonal companions
and ego/eco-bilateral
environmental habitual passions
can be divisive
dismissive emancipations

Competing religiously dogmatic theory
and natural/spiritually felt experience
schizophrenically competing
bipolar dissonance
empowers secularizing
minimizing
separating
dividing
unnatural desecration
anti-religious negativity
supremacy
missionary zeal
evangelistic violently prophetic communications
of natural environment mortality
and sinful conspiracy theories
and other bipolar forms and fields
frames and functions and flows
of dissociative bad news.

And,
internal spiritual v natural external contrasts
can yet distinguish analogical resemblances
between nurture and nature

Complementarity of open holistic religious systems
can become complexly unitive,
integral
negentropically cooperative

Rightbrain polyphonically prominent
redeeming our children’s healthy climate
through mutually cooperative
communicating positive wealth
of bicameral energy

Suggests leftbrain dominating
disempowering negativity

And
internal/external contrasts
distinguish metaphoric
multicultural resemblances,
complementarity of whole,
open
non-zero sum systems
can be complexly unitive,
integral
negentropically cooperative

Rightbrain polyphonically more prominent
actively working and playing for green redemption
of healthy bicameral positivity,

So,
Merely personal salvation
is necessarily incomplete,
All by my leftbrain dominant ego-self,
sure to face sinful defeat.

Yet open, whole Earth climate redemption
cannot become sufficiently bicameral replete,
to help my heart feel resonant,
less ignorantly stuck on sinful
short-term profits
unresilient
re-delete,
permanent social-cultural distancing
is also experienced as eco-political apartheid.

For pathological climate remediation
we historically
and culturally at least try
multicultural health mediation,
nonviolent communication,
polypathic emancipation,
polyphonic optimization
restoring green ecofeminist pacification.

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Goddess Gospel Spirits

Interesting
how dominant or repressed,
predative or victimized,
winner or loser,
positive or negative,
show up in so many paradigms
of light,
beauty,
truth;

And/Or predetermined
prejudicial shadow
stories
too bipolar–

Not enough dipolar both/and
complementarity,
cause/effective co-arising circles
[not lines
much less militaristic vanquishing squares]
recycling civility,
repurposing cooperative humanity,
destiny,
integrity narratives
of PermaCultural Designers,
Restorative Justice Black and Green Allies.

More nuanced
wicked Black Witches nightmares
may, by mysterious sacred night,

Also become wise circling
multicultural storytellers,
ecofeminist
nonviolently pre-polypathic
polyphonic Earth GreenPeace Warriors,
cooperative singers,
win/win development incorporators,
beautifully choreographed grace dancers.

Hypothetical predictions
of the yet unseen
and unheard
may follow leftbrain paranoid
about powerful plotters,
venomous disempowerers
who are, thereby,
unlike my mortal
feckless
repressed story,
depressing ego-identity,
being and yet also becoming
more lost
and loss.

Or, my ego could follow wisdom circles
of rightbrain affective multicultural communication
through resonant win/win discernment cycles
and more disturbing periods
racist climates
sensory monosexual supremacists,
more and less evangelistically anthro-supremacist
against universal cooperative network building
resurrecting
predicting the opposite of lose/lose fighting monocultures,
neglectful lack of relationship

Feels unlike both/and
not(not) ZeroZone Win/Win
wikipathic yintegrity.

Such imaginative compassion
equals oppositional dualistic
passes in reverse of dreamlike night,
yin Over yang
Principle of Temporal Power Reversion

Power of Not ZeroSum
open systemic bilateral thinking
Over leftbrain dominant ZeroSum
closed system chaotic repressing
Ego v TheoLogical
Secular/Sacred
Nature/Spirit tipping point confusion,
ambiguity
dissonance for most

But, also,
turning yang-dominant risk
toward not-polynomial yet hidden empty
timeless time’s eternity
of fertile circling
yintegral opportunity.

What would you feel,
happy or sad,
or hopefully something more widely amusing
and deeply profound
than One
without the Zero Other
causes wisest ecofeminist tears
falling democratically,
inclusively, both up and down,
smile and frown
with bold prevision
and with custody of 20/20 revising herstory
of anti-patriarchalism
un-racism
more grace-filled anthrohumility,
Green New through Old Golden Rules
between humane sacred Mind
and cooperatively reassociated EarthNature,

In between
sacred ego individualistic personal theology
and secular green global communication ecology.

Mother Earth Goddess,
what could you hope to feel
if I were to say of you,

“This bicameral Creator
could not non-violently feel
and experience sacred gratitude
for my irresponsible ecofeminist spirit.”

Must you hear that observation
and post mortem hypothesis,
my Fifth Quarter PermaCultural analysis,
as a pre-mortem judgment,
prejudice,
disdain for what might become
good faith news

We are each and all
doing our cooperative best
with one Restorative EarthJustice
Bodhisattva-Messianic Vocation,
to heal our own organic
green
sacred Gaian Habitat
or suffer revenge
of EcoFeminists laughing loudest
and eternally last.

If it helps,
and we mutually hope
Truth and Beauty co-habitate wisdom
to help all ReGenerators,
sacred as Great-Horned Owlish Prophets
and Prophetesses
watching our future rich eggs grow.

If Trust helps,
perhaps you may appreciate
a judgment I neither said
nor intended,
neither explicated nor implied,
did not intend as a colonizing weapon
nor a creolizing tool,

“You,
a healthy bicameral anthropoid
SHOULD non-violently feel
and experience sacred green gratitude
for my irrepressible ecofeminist attitude.”

Judging past behaviors
and absence of behaviors,
and communications,
verbal and nonverbal,
is not helpful to you or me
as compared to ego/eco-healing future behavior
and communication
toward inviting cooperative dialogue
more than competitive debate
in bicameral eco-political capitals,
heads of stated being

Rebecoming temples
visions
sacred inside voices
speaking outside Beauty’s Truths.

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Zealots and Evangelists

Within sleepy sheep folds
of retributive divine justice
postponed til kingdom comes
and diva queens go
to hell where we sinfully belong
like all unfaithful Negroes
refusing to shuck and jive
custody of bicameral eyes
and disconnection of stereophonic ears,

Discovering within these quiet unexamined folds
remains an uncreative fundamental tension
between evangelical healing justice
and bad faith zealotry,

Between good news of God’s universal EarthLove
and dark colonizing missionary zeal
to overpower alien health and happiness,
compassion and gratitude for global regenerate nature
spiritual nondualism.

Zealotry of StraightWhiteMale scriptural reconstructions
in Western roots fed by colonization memories
of overpowering violence.

Evangelical multicultural good news
roots are living watered
by creolizing necessities,
communal simplicity,
non-elite sufficiency
found in multiculturing non-violent domestic herstories,
communication circles ecofeminist
compassioned philosophies
of ecologically green resonant theology,
restorative win/win EarthJustice,
permacultural health-system therapies.

Zealotry is born of punishing bad faith
in colonizing memories.

Evangelism is born of healing good faith
in polycultural creolizing visions.

Zealotry is extrinsically LeftBrain dominant
and anti-Christlike.

Evangelism is intrinsically RightBrain prominent
and EarthCreation healing.

Which version of Christianity
do you find supported
by Republican StraightWhiteMale TrumpCards?

How might this compare unfavorably
to GreenDemocrat ecofeminist compassion therapy
if you are more of a Gospel Health-Crusading Evangelical?

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I Would Like To Listen More

I would like to hear
with no urgent need to speak
and to respond
without reacting,
over-acting.

I would like to hear
your experience with faith and faithless communities,
theistic
and atheistic,
sacred
and secular believers
and unbelievers,
communal investment positive
and fear and anger
flight and fight negative,
healthy
and pathological,
resonant
and dissonant.

And I would like to hear the same
about political power experience,
partisan
and non-partisan,
green democratic
and libertarian republican,
militaristic
and more peacefully resonant
green new deal ecopolitical parties
and win/win games of cooperative discussion
and win/lose strategies of capital-headed competitions.

And I would like to share
our hopes and dreams
of future faith cooperative ownership
and empowerment party management
for public healthy climate resonance
and private wealthy resilience,

I would like to hear us sing
for our win/win democratic cooperative suppers,
expressed in liturgical dance,
unrepressed fire circles
impressing nature/spirit bicamerals
locally through globally contagious
listening cameras.

I would invite us to share
where we have been
and where we would like to journey together
for our own health
and climate resonance,
And so our children
and grandchildren
and their children
will look lovingly back on us
gathered here this and future days
to claim their shared health inheritance,

“In their lunch space
and climate public residential time
of great unraveling,

They didn’t just eat together,
they dined smart
and swallowed multicultural grace
until so full of wealthy health
they learned to sing and dance
to pray and play
to faith and power
our way
toward this very resilient
win/win
sacred/secular
right/left bilateral
warm accompaniment day
of cooperative interdependence.”

Our children will benefit
from our social-psychological wealthy interdependent health,
of course,
but also political-economic binomial equity-investment,
polypathic and also not not polynomial balance
theological and ecological
great reweaving analogical,
metaphoric and polyphonic
20/20 listening.

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Degenerating Earth’s PolyCulture

I’m reading “Daring Democracy,”
Frances Moore Lappe and Adam Eichen,
noticing here too
racial justice glops onto EarthJustice.

This isn’t news,
although maybe gospel GoodNews,
that polycultural regenerativity
and multicultural democratic health
are two reverse faces
of white
and Climate
Fragility,

In turn,
the ancient green health/wealth Face
resisting white nation-state western privilege,
militarism
colonialism
patriarchalism
nature/spirit dualism
fundamentalism

Anti-evangelical multicultural health,
regenerative wealth.

I lay my Daring Democracy paperback aside
lost in wonder
how we ever could imagine
degenerative monocultural elitism
as more worthy of a healthy democratic republic
than regenerative polycultural privilege
of sacred grace

Equally true
and cause for gratitude
whether atheist,
and/or monotheist,
and/or polytheist,
and/or pantheist,
and/or panentheist,
and/or ecologist,
and/or co-redeemer for EarthJustice.

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Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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Slow-Cooked Conversion Stories

I was raised in one of those white nationalist churches,
passing itself off as a Christian evangelical Bible church,
where “evangelical” meant fundamental
and “fundamental” meant we did not interpret scripture
but accepted it as God’s literal trans-historical Word
of universal white male dominant
Bible thumping supremacy,
transcendently un-changing like…
like…
like nothing I’ve ever seen or heard
or smelled or tasted

Which is why we call not-Him-or-Her “God”
and not “SuperEgo”
or multicultural “Gaia”

Or anything else.
It turns out “God”
is a bit like not saying Valdemore’s name;
As Yahweh
is more about the ambiguously missing vowels
than their YHWH
YYXY
Either/Or-Both/And
bicameral structure.

Anyway, enough about sacred bisensory ecology.
While at People’s Bible Church
I was told, by all the white heterosexual adults
supporting and educating me
that being born again is not a gradual thing,
like growing into a pubescent body,
but instant,
like convenient oatmeal
or inferior mashed potatoes.

If I could not say,
with one hundred percent persuasion,
that I was reborn in Christ
on May 8, 1964
at 2:53 PM
Eastern Savings Time,
Just as I was originally born
on May 8, 1952
at 2:53 A.M.,
much to my mother’s inconvenience–
finished just in time to get home
to our dairy farm
for an unleisurely visit with “The Girls”
during her morning milking parlor gig–
Then the deviant
devilish mark of Satan
still clouds my not so milky white
not straight enough
not truly pure soul.

Such instant and yet resilient grace
felt unlikely to me.

I did not instantly lose hope
for a hot SantaDaddy
sliding down our family chimney
emerging from the family wood-burning furnace,
scorched of unnecessary
and superfluous clothes
to give me all the fruited manly gifts
I have felt so empty without
warm and wet accompaniment,
accomplishment.

Gradually,
over several years of neglecting this Santa myth
as cultural fantasy,
I did not wake up on May 8, 1956,
at 2:53 A.M.
and announce to all those not listening,
“I no longer believe in Santa Claus.”

De-mythification progress
seems to take me
about as long as my left-brain
dominating commodification process
took to grow into queer adolescence,
feeling unsafe,
unwanted,
with a best case possible future
of invisible insignificance,
hidden deeply beneath healthy humility.

Just as it took awhile to comfortably acclimate
to the toothlessness of myth,
It took me all my development years
on into late adolescence
to be sure that I would never safely
or resiliently convert
into a heterosexual.

When we were mutually experimenting grade school boys
during not much sleep overs
I was sure we shared the same destiny–
future heterosexuals,
Mr. Cleavers,
Mr. Smiths
not all too fascinated with Mr. Johnsons.

I didn’t suddenly realize,
“Oops. I failed to convert.”
Maybe I was a late bloomer,
just as some girls get pubes
and teats
and mensies later on
which seemed like more unfair girl pressure
than just sprouting new hair in old moist places
and growing at least somewhat less girlish voices.

Just as there was no May 8, 2:53 P.M.
of any year
when I knew,
“OK, that’s it.
It’s done growing
in both length and width.”
I had no day or night
when I said,
“OK, that’s it.
I choose to be queer”
so I can be the target of hate crimes,
bad jokes,
white Christian heterosexual predators,
bigoted employers,
homophobic police
and teachers
and parents
and siblings,
and preachers

Fully capable of witnessing against me
the exact date, time, and year
they began their life long love affair
with white male Jesus Christ,
straight (presumably) Jewish carpenter’s apprentice,
Son of God and…
and…
God,
who finished creating Earth,
and at least our entire Solar System,
exactly seven days
after He started, on May 8th
at 2:53 A.M.,
year 0000.

I have developed health-considered faith
in win/win progressive processes.
I accept that faith actively hopes in unseen relationships,
unheard communications,
unnoticed actions and reactions.

Still,
I find an always changing
transparent
vulnerable,
courageously curious difference
between left-brain statements of verbal instant faith,
and right/left-brain emerging lifeskill learnings
conversions
healings
redemptively felt economies,
salvific co-relational powers,

And I have trouble believing
that such ubiquitous differences
between slow-grown processive maturation
and imitative instant role-playing
is only accessible to queers,
white, black, brown, red, purple, green, or ultra-violet,
born on May 8, 1952
at 2:53 A.M.
much to the inconvenience
of busy heterosexual
pre-millennial dairy farmers.

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