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Commanding Solo Performances

It had been a hellish week.

On Monday
my lonely and tired AfricanAmerican husband
told me, as gently as possible,
that what I had hoped was a temporary separation
is to be extended into perpetuity.

This separation had been scheduled to terminate
when my Fetal Alcohol daughter turns eighteen
and can move into a new, more therapeutically endowed, home
not our non-group home
which could not feel like a private home to him
and to a more peacefully vulnerable me.

He told me his autonomy of residential sight
and sound
and smell,
temperature and feel,
thought and absence of forced transparent thought,
has grown ever more compelling for him,

Like a new life system
organically emerging from calcified minerals
mixed with melted wet.

This permanent separation,
less about not wanting to share a roof and walls
and multicultural floors
and more about wanting a more private
monotheistic habitat.

I had been working on my adopted daughter’s emergency group home application;
Her eighteenth, and first qualifying, birthday was Friday
of this same hellish week
filled with demands,
as usual,
but more so,
more self-prophetically entitled now;

A “big [supremely self-disempowering] girl”
as multiply messaged from school
and therapists
and family,
jonesing to live with submissive peers
who will best be lesser care receivers
as she intends to appropriate all care giving staff,

Demanding preferred foods,
and music
and stories
and dance,
and diaper change
and bed
and bath times
ignoring needs of lesser beings;

Like living with a constantly ticked off Gaia
showing us who’s our jealous Boss
in response to our climate endangering ways
of patriarchal colonization
disrespecting matriarchal communion,
ecological creolization.

Demanding routines she and I have evolved
since she was five,
unable to see up,
only downstream,
unable to hear well,
unable to speak in consonants
articulate enough to defy caregiver ignorance,
lack of subservient cooperation,
submission to her aggressively iron will,
triggering every slaveholder
property owner
reactionary nerve in my husband’s long-term
matriarchal-limned
unnerved memory.

Our more cooperative and trust-building relationship
soon took care of Gaia’s communication problems
but we created, thereby,
a princess entitled ‘I win so you lose’ monster
of immediate and really loud
NEED!

Yet, now that she is maturing to leave this nest,
how much do I need her
to keep me safely home at night
and off the larger terrifying climate stage
of degenerating ecopolitical performance?

On the following Sunday morning,
I was to sing “Let Your Little Light Shine”
a less popular spiritual,
and at least not unnatural,
gospel message;

A sung prayer from enslaved history,
humiliating origins surviving valleys of vulnerable despair
by holding up
and out
dim fading lights of hope,
sometimes accessible from other enslaved properties
with more resilient hope in green and brown and black
communion.

On Saturday night
my heart spoke of grief
lost in deep dark valleys
isolated
abandoned
down-sized
empty-nested
shallow-chested
ancient old person despair,

And my lungs sagged
pushing against narrow edges of freezing panic

Terror about forgetting left-brain words
and reminders of past sung and danced solo performances
not nearly as fun
enriching
fulfilling
health wealthy
as past group participation
in full-nested harmony
synergy
resonance
regenerativity
sacred communions spiritual
while naturally co-present

Green
and brown
and black,
ultra-nonviolet
and transparently clear.

On Sunday morning,
after earning a strategically planned
full night’s rest,
I felt much worse

Unable to imagine leaving my sanctuary
much less singing
much less performing
a song longing for the Lord
to shine even the faintest ray of hope
down into this valley of well-earned despair,

A grey climate of hopelessness,
nihilistic thoughts,
narcissistic preoccupations
trapped in a shrinking fragile egocentrism.

I took an anti-depressant
which got me to the church on time
but now feeling anxiously disembodied
within my own Beloved Sanctuary
too universally white
straight
and too removed from outside green
and family brown
and EarthTribe Native black resonant voices,
fragrances,
touch,
tasting and seeing.

I could not remember words,
or think of alternative reasonable sounds,
could not find my opening pitch,
felt deserted by a cappella
absence of accompaniment,
by a choir relegated to background support services
rather than foreground cooperative resonance
of care giving
co-passioning care receiving.

But, there was something else
bad,
REALLY bad,
a repugnance that stayed with me
through rehearsal,
through first
and then final performance
and on through the return home
after a technical tepid success
lacking the resonance of producing music
transcending rhythm and pitch and lyrics
demanding better held and managed light systems
for my self-isolating despair

Afraid of drowning
in this internal river valley.

Although not sure what happened Sunday night,
I awoke next morning to emotional fragility,
again
to fears of too much aloneness, loneliness,
worries about ageing in a place not quiet enough
from road rage
and too demanding of soil
and water
and energy stewardship,
warm accompaniment,
propriety of grace,
cooperative well-being.

What was different, on this reawakening,
was recognizing my,
and our,
monocultural misappropriation,
supremacist ideation
of “Let your little light shine”
as if we are, and I am,
the Lord’s great solo hope
for all the autonomous
disconnected
apartheid
indigenous nature/spirit
EarthTribe life-systems
of healthy care giving/receiving
singing and dancing in revolving circles
of gospel fire,

Choired resonantly together
in active shared home harmonies,
extending families back through enslaved ancestors
reminding an AfroCentric Lord
this light begins
from hope sung dance together
with multiculturally resonant intelligence

Leaving no one behind
trying to soulfully enlighten
my darkest valley of despair.

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Fear of Success

Fear of personal
and disconnecting
ego-success
feels reasonable to me

Too much adulating feedback
from old friends vaguely envious
that I would place myself above
and before them
sacrifices integrity
more resonant with us,
immersed in ecosystemic success,
embodied health,
resilient Earth-rooted wealth.

Children
especially straight white physically-privileged adolescents,
have grown self-empowerment rights
to autonomous personal lifestyle differences,
risks of failure,
opportunities toward narcissism,
as contested by parents
who often have our own anthropocentric issues
about humane success and failure.

Democratically grateful adults
have grown rights to self-determination
responsibility of personal con-science
consciousness authority
over-against God/Gaia,

Completing the circle
of young developing secular ego-systems
competing
rather than cooperatively owning and managing
appreciating immersion within
sacred ecosystemic Earth.

Perhaps LeftBrain’s WinLose risk
is also RightBrain’s WinWin opportunity
to aspire toward resilient God/Gaianess,
as bicamerally GoldenRuled together
ego/eco-systemic nest.

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In Our Taoist Zone

Yang (1) and Yin (0) Zones
are place-holders,
polynomial variables
for appositional co-arising relationships,
tensions, creative and not so much,
intentions

Such as white and color,
monoculturalism and multiculturalistic transubstantiation,
RightWing and RightBrain
conservative of past and progressive into compassionate future
elite and non-elite, in political philosophy
and history
of colonization with active hope for creolization,

Patriarchal and EcoFeminist polycultural intent,
healthy wealth,
win/lose competitive games
pretending not to want win/win cooperative
co-passionate
co-investments.

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Taoist Covenants

May supreme Force
become You.

How is whiteness
like straightness?
she asked

And how is maleness
like left-brain dominance?
he responded.

It seems,
to usually curious
and always ancient
right with left dipolar ecofeminist Us,

Contracts are secular agreements
designed to improve mutual odds
of losing less value
as invested across degenerating time.

While Covenants
may be all that contractual business,
But also sacred cooperative accompaniments
designed to improve warm solidarity
of synergetically winning optimal values
empowering We,

Where
and when
PolyNomial We
equals interdependent PolyCultural Us.

Contracts hold ZeroZone transparent space for win/lose,
positive/negative
good/bad
life/death oppositional evolutionary/devolutionary
EarthInvestment/Divestment Trends

While Covenants expect overwhelming win/win opportunities
can be multiculturally rediscovered
redeemed through appositional dipolarities
co-arising Yang/Yin
EarthTrend egoLeft/ecoRight
cooperatively-held sacrifices,

Yang, past-informed
yet Yin, future-exforming flow out,

Voice inhaled as reverse un-versed exhaled,
Future as re-imaged response to win/lose
conversion into win/win freedom of imagination,
playing and gaming co-invested compassion,
fluid strength migrations,
polyphonic paths of rediscovery
into rapture’s sacred consciousness
climaxing polycultural out/in-comes,
where all values
are intrinsically positive
safe
healthy.

We more typically contract
to cooperatively resist
against a shared enemy
alien impoverished multiplication
diminishment long-division,
threat against long-term Elite LeftBrain resilience
within a resonant agreement of mutual asylum,
our win/lose silo of internal/external apartheid,
Climates communicating in and outside.

Sometimes
we creolize the colors and climates
of symphonic sacred sanctuaries
through cooperative invitation
within a safe and healthy multicultural-valuing space
relationship
vunerable communication of felt and thought co-passions,
Left with Right bicameral communions,
universally egalitarian salvation
through unitarian intersectional passions
for listening
noticing positive and negative climates
attitudes
verbalizations
embodied right-brain feelings
disembodied left-brain deductive/reductive thoughts

Longing for GoldenRule ecopolitical sanctuary,
green,
brown and black and tan and cream and white,
blue and red,
ultra-nonviolent integral compassion.

Asylums
do not challenge retributive justice norms
and values.
Except as also Sanctuaries, integral
sacred
multiculturally resilient
can restore win/win peace and justice models
of compassionate communication,

Especially as inspired by this post-millennial crisis
of Climate Fragility
fragmentation
degenerative trends of devolution,
now first seen and heard
felt and thought and touched
with 2020 pre-vision
provision,
safety,
nurture,
nutrition,
health-wealth.

How is whiteness
like straightness?
she, fragile, asked,

And how is maleness
like left-brain dominance?
he, fragmented, responded.

May Earth’s ancient Source
be with Us.

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All About MeTube

I see YouTube
and FaceBook
and other social media platforms
are not so happy
hosting PrivilegeTube
JustOurWhiteFaceBook
and other anti-social messengers.

Free speech advocates
are concerned about such censorious censorship.

Free listeners to rational reasons
and healthy seasoned pro-social advocates
may propose new antisocial media platforms,
clearly red-labeled with warnings
for children and families
that these are toxically contagious
absence of courageous
and curious
and celebratory healthy foresight
anti-health
and anti-resilient communal wealth spaces

Where those who feel privileged
to play win/lose strategies and games
against the healthiest green wealth
of win/win MotherEarth’s climate media platforms
may feel unfree to non-communion
non-communicate
non-listen
non-speak of multiculturing healthy wealth
among our unenlightened Babeling selves.

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Tolerating Itchiness

A healthy distance for tolerating LeftBrain dominance
is to recognize our global incarnation
into RightWing intolerant prominence
as dogma of a strictly white hetero-male privileged unkind.

A distance between silent impatience
and loud dissent
is the distance between nonverbal nonviolence
and irritatingly verbal communication.

A tolerable distinction between quieter dissonance
and boisterous intolerance
is a distance between non-violent
and full LeftBrain dominantly overtaking
and/or sado-masochistic bipolarity
and/or socio-pathology
and/or undemocratic kleptocratic
Win/Lose capitalistic intention
in a LeftBrain alpha dog eats and beats
RightBrain beta feminist…dog world
on any over-heated…itchy day
he chooses inhumanely sick
ZeroSum one-sided pleasure.

So sorry.
This started out as a quietly sedate communication
and ended in a most unfortunately aggressive
sound of furious way.

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Making America Grungy Again

Cynicism
grows from anthropocentric roots

As Narcissism
grows from cynical Lose/Lose
trampling our Win/Win EarthTribe opportunities
in over-marching
uneconomically smart
unecologically naive
stomping bully boots.

What the USSR Military-Terrorist Party
learned the hard way,
their Russian mafia metamorphosis
has learned a simpler
continuing kleptocratic way:

When plundering and raping your own people
and Earth’s international climate of active nutritional hope,
it is easier
and less transparent
to not have the unfortunate responsibilities
of actual
factual RealTalk
and RealWalk governing service provision

Like developing robust health and climate care systems
and building safe railroads and bike paths
and viable water and sewer systems
and healthy soil
and potable water supplies
and breathable air
and not quite so yang-fired up
win/lose competitive capital hoarding
amongst just us anthro-centric plutocrats.

Would that Apprentice Donald
had stayed private mafia likewise
rather than making America grungy again.

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