Uncategorized

Fear of Failure

I know you don’t want to hurt
or even disappoint
me

And I know you don’t want to hurt
yourself.

Yet still your shame
and self-blame hurt

Your self-judging
punishing closet frame
suffocates our transparent life
my caring curiosity craves,
and mutual vulnerability
our sharing courage braves.

Addiction to feeling happy
is not free
and connected to sensory satisfaction
nor to ego significant gratification
and certainly not natural and spiritual bilateral wealth
of healthy feeling substantiation,

Which, as you know,
I also recognize as body and mind healthy
choice voices.

Before you even small voice object,
I also recognize you may feel natural
or spiritual choice
has nothing to do with driving off
without “goodbye,
see you safely soon.”

If no physically tolerable choice
of resources to feed serotonin
and water dopamine,
I know, from years of isolated,
neglected experience,
how frightening loss of lonely ego-powered control
can feel.

Speaking not of choice,
but inside swatting interminable Voice
never still
until you self-shame
and blame
hiding hurts
and unfree frames
us both,
unhappy you,
not Here,

And me
loving enough for Us,
not yet Now

Still worrying
what will voiceless nonchoice happen
disempowered There
and unenlightened Then
suddenly Amen

Our silently uninvited End.

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Uncategorized

Parts and Holes

“You are a part of me
I do not yet know”
claims interdependent Valarie Kaur

And I wonder,
Is she speaking to me?
Or rhetorically asking any stranger
except me,
already known
because I feel her same unitarian way
already grown

Ego/Eco-centering balanced
symmetrically integral
as a social individual

And not so much economically
and politically privileged,
lethargic,
overfed
and drowning in domesticated leisure
overgrown inside
ruminating infamous monoculturing nightmares.

I hope Valarous curiously speaks
quietly yet surely
with hope tomorrow
having turned from overly familiar
anthro-privileged yesterday,
still a part of haunted
and blessed me
I do already know
less optimistically,

And I am awed
inside this great faith transition
and timeless merciful humor
passing by a personal premonition
tomorrow may be already written
rhymed,
numbered and counted,
bought and sold,
accounted yet too messily empowered

Speaking in a language learned
by well-hearted healthy hope
in new starlight
night promised memories

Premembering to continue regenerating
indigenously wise Earth
continues writing
and restructuring DNA recultured feelings
on this beautiful and precious known landscape
formed from yesterday’s most cooperative subclimates,
collaborative EarthTribe economics
empowering intersectional politics

Whose future energetic numbers
are embedded in prime multitudes of creative
and recreative organisms

LeftBrain labeled history
and RightBrain Win/Win
future bicameral integrity
Blue/Green EarthCommon Squared
enlightenment poly-rhythmically
empoweringly commodified
in yesterday
and tomorrow’s Yang Yintegrity
unitarian
universal knowing
cognizing
recognizing

Prime NonZeroZone space
and polyculturing time
eco-deductive and theo-inductive
spatiaLeft/TempoRight felt
compassionate 4D-fractal regenerative co-relationships

Restoring polypaths
between wealthy unknown tomorrow
and healthy felt yesterday
was today
tomorrow’s
short-term memory
statically sustainable
in this sadistic stuck satiation
silent station.

Here
and Now
my internal doomsday fear
against more global Loser queer
anthropocentric eco-politics over valued
while EarthTribe organisms
also die to Lose
tomorrow’s anthrosupremacist
dipolar eco/theo-logic
unhealthy in/unwealthy out
disvalues

Do not sanctify,
in fact, desecrate,
any cooperatively owned timeless corporation,
any intersectionally eating and living
giving and taking organism

Any numeric
iconic One-plus balances
(not-not) negative dipolarity
in a NonZero binomial development zone
for systemic health

Not from reading
memorizing
reiterating God’s one true holistic wealth
mathbook,
as if calculating
and deducing LeftBrain verbal communication
were the last alone apartheid Word
of yesterday’s final bottom zero-lined zone
not also tomorrow’s
Trust as Yintegral Beauty

In a WholeEarth
universal Open EcoWomanist
EgoPatristic SubSystem
choosing tomorrow’s healthiest win/win game

Fulfilling Her HistoEcological
Multicultural Health
promising today’s remediation
for resilient Blue/Green Wealth,

A part of tomorrow
I could not yet feel
alone
a part of me
I do not yet anxiously know
how to anticipate.

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Uncategorized

Listening for GodWords

I don’t know,
S/He said,

(right winged left
exhaled downstream
past everyone’s egopaled head)

If God is dead
and also much too Capitalistic,
LeftBrain dominant hegemonalistic

(like water to a philosophical shark)

If God is straight
and white
and a patriarchal supremacist accountant
calculating monoculturally ambitious values

Then maybe also monotheistically antagonistic,
or at least apathetic,
about polyculturally healthy
ecopolitical womanist wealth,
without apartheid walls.

Surely not both,
disempowering abuse
and unenlightened neglect,
that couldn’t be,
replied S/He
choosing His verbal LeftBrain voice

(Either/Or reductive,
conservative,
reactive,
sometimes deafly patriarcolonizing)

stressed by harmonic Both/And resonance
and timelessly reconnecting RightBrain choice

(polycultural ego as ecotheistic).

S/He thinks
God must not be

an angry white capitalist old man
in the sky
to vengefully judge
and win/lose evolution justify
historic cash reparation millions
of Winning CapitalBuilding patriotism,
so Lose unempirically marginalized
brown-skinned Goddess Worshipers,

S/He feels
God must not remain
an Original Natural Law Judge
too comfortably drinking
from homophobic
xenophobic waters,
issuing AnthroHomoSupremacist decrees,
dogmas against win/win indigenous
body/mind health care issues
exceeding His own RightBrain
multicultural mediating experience
with brain dead and yet body alive
expertise.

S/He multiculturally senses
God must not prevail
as a MonoCapitalist Banker
abusively over-investing in right wing
lose/lose ecopolitical,
Earth terrorizing,
violent communication conflicts,

S/He polyculturally postulates
Win/Win God could also feel Goddessness
if not so theologically upset and disrespectful
when healthy natural women
wear short-sleeved political shirts
and long-legged economic pants,
and when two natural men
have holy spiritual sex
with each Other,
and not with
(abusively punishing
Straight Judge
violently shaming and blaming)
Him.

S/He remembers
Goddess could also know
how He feels
competitively monotheistic dead,
or at least asleep,
with a secular/sacred vocation
inherited from abusive
and/or neglectful
patrilinear designs from Above

SunGod LawGiver
enscriptured by Straight White Hims
cannot be Yintegral Hers,
not Queer BlackGaian Goddess scribes,
ecstatic worshipers,

(not quite so much dogmatic
dualistic
ecopolitically privileged reconstructionists)

indigenous fire-circle dancers,
recycling Full and DualDark
light night empowerment Wonderers,
awesome enlightenment Wanderers…

But, instead choosing only to become
this DeathCulture God
of StraightWhiteWesternMale Crusaders,
Fight makes Right jihadists,
colonizing inquisitors,
misogynists,
homophobes,
evangelical Capital-gaining pastors,
fundamental dualists

(violently abusive nature survivalist
against Spirit neglectful unthrivalist),

against ecowomanist enlightened empowerment.

S/He reconnectively learns
to this EarthDay
deep win/win regenerative mysteries
of His LeftBrain win/lose universe

(of Either/Or reductive ego monopolitics)

Win/Lose competitive
mono-LeftBrain anthrotheistic
StraightWhiteMale CapitalBuilding patriartick
with punishing judgmental authority
to damn multiculturally undressed
lack of punishing codes

Shunning
and imprisoning
and enslaving
and monetizing neuro-reproductive behavior
of all ego-sensory EarthTribes
engaged in violent through compassionate
interconnected multicultural communication
and religiously nutritional neuro-sensory systems

(for sacred health enlightenment
and secular safe empowerment,
S/He said
hopefully
before SunGod is BlackHole
lives splattered dead).

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Uncategorized

Climates in Round Color

I could be wrong,
but feel right in guessing,
most straight men
don’t understand

Feminists, too,
just like them,
long to answer perennial questions
no one has yet asked
in published forums
for restoring EarthJust dialogue.

What is our unasked climate question?

Hiding deep inside
surgical silence of denial
erasing prior presumptions
of noble humane noises
neglecting wilderness of outside voices,
proEarth choices.

I can feel this holy aspiration
to multi-culturally know,

Or, at least listen for sacred hope
outdistancing secularized
demonized
criminalized despair

That longs for profoundly democratic healing
outside loudly pacing threat

Against transparently discussing
what peace costs
transubstantiating active distrust
of space empowered
time enlightened Others

Who might not forgive us
for trespassing against their safe manna-fed breath,
securing our full
round
securely colored sight lines
multigenerational spaces
sacred places
for and of silent solitude.

Where does realistic cultural compromise
resonantly close begin?

When does win/win multi-partisan climax of victory
most resiliently open end?

Does whole EarthYang health fill in
as aggressive extraction
of silent singing EarthBeauty
flows Yintegrity ailing out?

Why does ancient enlightening spiritual wisdom
lack sufficient natural empowering knowledge?

How does silence
interrupt
and erupt
Earth’s best natural/spiritual questions?

What will we become
outside inside
full grown up and down
and all around
our octave keys
and fractal clues
emerging radiantly complex
full-sung complex silence
of compassion?

Who would love to outside dare
such self emptying green peace
without inside red despair?

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Uncategorized

Liberating Addiction

I need to talk about addictions,
about my addiction issues,
and maybe yours.

Addiction gets a deserved bad rap
but that doesn’t mean we have no more
than mean-spirited possibilities.

Our first addiction,
and, for the lucky ones,
the functional extended multigenerational
multicultural families
and liberating tribes,
also the last,
is love.

Love,
hidden or wide unwalled open
for another human,
another species,
another culture,
another part of Earth,
and other, costly
medicinal substitutes,

Drugs and alcohol,
guns and loud danger,
cars and sex,
coffee
and comfort
and convenience,
beauty
and enlightenment
and luxury,
notoriety
and money
and security,
all poor substitutes
for the nurturing feel
and natural touch,
nutritional smell and taste,
native sight and sounds
of love.

I have two issues
with addiction.
One is my obsessive-compulsive need
for my next, even better, fix
what’s broken.

I find it humbling
to be cravenly overpowered
by physical and mental,
natural and spiritual, want,

By my longing to climax
resiliently
resonantly
universally embraced by Earth’s most incarnate
and eternal
esteem,
communion,
co-passion.

But, physical addiction
can be softened,
eased,
healed more readily
and stadily
if not for my shame
and hide in the closet
self-judgment,

If not for my weak
and sinful shadow nature,
My need to hide
my darkest fruit truths
about not being in control
of my own autonomous will power.

And, so it is,
I hide my greatest weakness,
my greatest internalized enemy,
and thereby feed and water feelings
of guilt,
self-blame shame,

A failure to grow vulnerable love for others
I cannot see in naked love
and truth
and transparent beauty
because I fear to meet judging eyes
and minds,
voices
conserving dismissive choices.

Secret addictions
have all my darkest powers
of steadfast
and cyclical disempowerment.

Acknowledged addictions
I can call out courageously,
then curiously explore
with my housemates,
neighbors,
teachers and parents,
children and listeners,
supportive groups of similar addicts,
medicating absence of love’s
spiritual wealth
without natural walls.

Fears and angers spoken
and named
thereby weaken
as love swells
for positive addiction,

Which, as long as not risked
stays absent,
even from our healing selves
grasping mercy
for becoming merely mortal
and expecting my birthright
of a health wealthy society
good faith community
family
with multicultural addiction values
and unlovely disvalues

Summarized in GoldenRule behaviors
and positively addicted open
vulnerable
transparent
courageous
actively curious gratitude
attitudes of cooperative disclosure.

This power of my unhealthy addictions
lies more heavily in hiding my self
secret depressions
repressions
suppressions
dark impressions
that true and beautiful,
resonant and resilient love
is too far above
my emotional pay scale,
worthy of our co-redemption,

Too big a reach
to try to open up again,
to share my weak addictions
and strong compulsions
to feel and touch
taste and see
where love was lost
while pursuing lesser
hidden things.

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Uncategorized

Healing GrandMother’s Earth

Could you more faithfully believe?

Your enemies do not sacrifice their first born children
right before they eat them

And they do not worship
big
predative Jewish
and colonizing Muslim
ruthlessly bought and sold
international pagan terrifying corporations,

Could we believe?

Healthy cooperative democracy
and green polyculturally robust
new spring communion ages
win/win empowering
enlightening health wealthy climates
are less safe
than unhealthy plutocracy
and red monoculturing violent
old autumnal ages
win/lose BusinessAsUsual stealing
from Earth’s future resilient
resonant residents
of highest and best ecosystemic
consciousness.

Could we restore belief?

In health-optimal wealthy EarthJustice outcomes
robust
resonant
resilient
for at least seven indigenously wise
win/win ecopolitical cooperative regenerations
in global sacred-integral solidarity
AND secular empowerment
actively governing EarthGreenPeace
quietly restorying
win/win health-paradise justice.

Do we actively believe?

In Christ’s patriarchal kingdom
in this democratizing SecondComing moment
within revolving
salvific
inspiring spiraling
redemptive embodied hands

Connected
processive/progressive
egalitarian/interdependent
evolutionary/revolutionary
left/right
bicamerally interdependent wings

Do we believe?

Hellfire and brimstone eternal punishment
of StraightWhite VengefulGod’s privileged preaching

Our fundamental win/lose capitalist
left-brain dominant economic experience
and politically disempowering
devolutionary SundaySchool
and academic schooled teachers
predict a hellish
anti-Rapturous
anti-demonic Earthly natured
secularized future climate
for appropriately punished
pathologically sinful generations

of GodMan’s original
unspiritual
anthrosupremacist idolatry

Remorsefully turning away
from Creation’s Green/Blue Revelations
to follow sickly fallow former-democratic win/win
now mortally win/lose remains
of paradise Eden organic gardens

Where natural
means not spiritual

When human
means not divine

While secular
means not sacred

dualistic
monotheistic
monoculturing unhealthy patriarchal minds
and unsafe impure animated bodies.

Could we multiculturally believe?

We feel healthier
and safer
and even cooperatively win/win
polycultural golden rule wealthier

CoInvesting in ecosystemic engaging
cooperatively communing
speaking and listening
deep matriarchal green learning

How to optimize healthy theological experience
with synergetic truest win/win sufficient wealth
ecologically energetic for all
great and small
grandchildren of regenerative Earth’s Creation
and ReCreation process,

Progressing interfaith volution
through sensory gospel revolution

Power and light
democratic empowerment
and non AnthroPublican enlightenment
equity and interdependence
universally co-redemptive economics
and win/win unitarian co-empathic powertics

Bicamerally nonpartisan polyways
interfaiths
multiculturing hope
metaEarth polyvagal
win/win long-term health
becomes re-connecting
re-ligioning ecosafety.

Could we believe, yet again?

Restoring EarthChild Justice
could SecondCome
messianically
GreenEarth progressive

And not so direly
paranoid for certain
only our enemies
are known by their dark fruits

Sacrificing their first born grandchildren
on the altars of nationalistic redwing wars
right before Earth vengefully eats them,
burns them,
drowns them,
starves them,
enslaves them,
whips them,
lynches them,
criminalizes them,
mercifully suffocates them.

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Funner to be Kind

Sublime unitarian longings
stewed in outdoor green/blue sunshine
produces universal solitude belonging

Within this green/blue
multiculturally resilient solidarity
I likely feel compassionate warm win/win
communication in/on Earth’s most gracefilled
vocationally sacred shared
interfaithed intent

To find every day
with green
ecofeminist allies,
mother tree nutritional systems designers
and other sacred indigenous grandmothers

Wisdom camouflaged in nonempires of translucent peace
warriors of subconscious anonymity
two-sided waiting for sufficient deep
and wide,
power
and light sounds

Of ultra nonviolet circles
spectrals pristinely nonviolent
unclapping
unwhistling
uncalling
unspeaking
unseeing
unhearing
untasting
unhistoric

Resiliently compassionate unattachment
yet re-membering ego

Individualistic Yang autonomous
competitive
without sufficient Win/Win Yintegrity

Longing for immortal resilience
yet competitively extracting capital
for furthering patriarchally red
monoculturing led
ecofeminist hunts,
predative multigenerational identity strings
of sounded white male straight things
reactively unregenerative

Punishing
revengeful empty of heart
competitive mind Win/Lose monotheistic Path
Devolutionary Lose/Lose devoted
to long-term Death Culture
as a necessary unnatural evil
for short-term capitalized spiritual gains

Desecrating Green/Blue EarthHealth
dividing secular new/from sacred old
deals co-invested in gospel recommitment
redemption

Post-millennial
post-pandemic
post-climate trauma
ego-salvation

Engaged InterFaith EarthVocations
for ecosystemic power and light
cooperative democratic,
not quite so relentlessly RightWing
LeftBrain overpoweringly autocratic,

Indigenous green wisdom
about interfaith power and lights
steer multigenerationally generously wide
of further Business Ain’t Pretty
unnecessary win/lose compromises
between business bottom green ecological lines
and religious upper
outer blue/green recycling
revolving horizons
theological

Sublime unitarian longings
natural power and spiritual light stewed
in sufficient gratitude
for outdoor green/blue solitude
reproducing universal co-invested peace
through everyday grace,
CoPassionate BeLonging.

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ReCounting Wounding Costs

I know what it costs
to parent a tyrant
24/7
52 weeks/year
and yet avoid judging,
feeling guilty,
self-blaming shame
for all I am not sufficient,
yet.

I remember learning curious distinctions
between genuine remorse
given, when LeftBrain verbally requested,
yet without RightBrain capacity
to feel even the least caring difference
between natural brown girl
and spiritual white light shame

Self blame
for why that dinnerplate
smashed so frighteningly
against my dining wall
as if my fault
my adopted child’s sense
of dad-adapting ownership,
or even complexly confusing
bipolar mixed
temporal-historical management messages
about imaginary aggressive causes
predicting unprecedented economic
and political family “out of the blue behavior,”
random effects,
effectively nurturing attention,
non-neglect,
more brown person privileged

Lack of win/win communication
not always transparently verbalize-disabled
and vulnerably, verbally examined
much less non-violently communionated.

Not until I 24/7 learned
such great sociopathic lose/lose
unfortunate chronic mental health events
are non-violently but impatiently stressed,
restrained perhaps
with short-term shunning
and close the safe-space door
temporarily dissociating–
no win/win co-adoptions
of dad-adapting co-empathic nonverbal behavior
accessible right leftbrain autonomously here
and rightbrain interdependent win/win now

Sending myself to my own private room
to re-imagine win/win multicultural remediations,
and positive psychology
ecology
neurological system restoring dreams
of Paradise Not
NonZero Souled Green
new deal rapturously global Peace
climaxing during my own aging green health inhaled
and re-inhaled
exhaling peronal EarthWealth
for feeding more resilient green summer leaves

Restoring
as Recommitting solidarity
as rebreathing solitude
reweaving

Recreating
redeeming
regenerating
re-ligioning
re-connecting
re-storing
re-integrating EarthGreenPeace
organically healthy medication
meditations
win/win Earth compassion practices
of good faith health system restorations

A little lighter thought
and more empowering feeling
active movement practicing
and even miming felt co-empathic needs
eco-politically green cooperative polypathic
EarthTribe Justice,
multiculturally polyphonic
non-verbal Language
not not double-positive co-binary

By pretending I am sociopathic her
10-year-old gay white male EarthMother
doing the best s/he patriarchally privileged can
campily dipolar Both/And re-enacting
what it might feel like
for the not so gayly old white mashed
patriarchally provisioned potatoes
to hit the battered ungrateful wall
clearly devoid of proper heterosexual
aggressively dominant appreciation
for warm buttery white unskinned

Smash! against the senseless floor,
wounded
mashed
bashed
smashed in a fetal curled up defensive mess,
writhing
and theatrically moaning,
one eye on the microphonic
monopolistic Voice of NonChoice
and the other on the bicameral rediscernment

Until she smiles.

Demands I rise again,
right here,
left together co-present now
ZeroSum terrified morally unsafe
reverse transitioned
so she can hug my steady white grand dad neck,
kiss my hope in “side with me, too”
and smarm my win/win resiliently hopeful forehead,
leaving her actively curious mark
on her brown-skin unmasked safe
and healthy communal territory,

Organic ego-gardening green deeding dad,
cooperative as win/win healthy
wealthy democratic Paradise

Which comes out leftbrain verbally,
“Can I maul your head?”
also might mean,
post critical non-cooperative climate event,
“Could we together head
toward the mall,
and co-invest in accessories?
Maybe makeup, soon? not soon enough?
which could only be rightHere/leftNow

A hair salon?
Something actually important
to a real brown-skinned bipolar egofeminist first person
sometimes critically living
in a reversed effects before narcissistic causes
world win/lose
zero-sum bottoms up
redhot
angry trapped wounded child view.

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Another Cock and Bull Story

The highest and best purpose
of cocks and bulls
is to ejaculate
a strong natural and spiritual warm
wet vision flow
transparently cuming
into a spiritual and natural warm
wet throbbing receptor
vulnerably naked milking
sucking and releasing
waves of wanton,
yet sacredly inviting, place,
home,

Some divinely receptive
receiving
regenerating
reconnecting
democratically reconstituting
win/win space,

Just as a tree’s sappy purpose
is to produce a nut
by autumn,
preferably,
naturally and spiritually
without unhealthy climate performance pressures,

Just as an organically leafed stem’s secular purpose,
and sacred meaning,
is to produce at least one flower,

Just as organic empowerment’s
diurnal and nocturnal
monthly and annual
and life/death-recycling purpose
is to produce well-seasoned
healthy meaning
of wealthy enlightenment,

Peace just restoring
as secular ecological co-governance
communicates meaningful purpose
to reproduce healthy
multicultural
sacred theologically regenerative experience,
memory
images
imagination
complex thought/felt
secular/sacred reweavings.

Just as left-brain’s ethological
deepest and wisest
healthiest and wealthiest purpose
is to reproduce right-brain’s flowing intuitive
transparently vulnerable reflections

Erupting into herstorical
multiculturing
matriarchal DNA reMEMEs
originating univeral Yang
unitarian Yintegral
climaxing regenerative experience
re-memory
re-imagination
re-storation
re-demption
re-weaving
re-creolizing
re-volutioning
re-substantiating
re-incarnating
re-living anthro/eco-organic
Paradise/Pleasure win/win systems,

Natural
and spiritual
cocks and bulls
inside ecofeminists
they ejaculatively serve,
empower,
co-enliven
co-invest
co-enlighten

With highest and best multiculturing purpose
and sacred health/wealth
win/win
polycultural
polypathic
polyphonic
polyvagal
polypassioned meanings
deeply and widely regenerative.

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Seduction’s Loss

I feel like I lost you yesterday.

Perhaps I overstepped
Some as-yet unestablished boundary
between Trust
and MisTrust

Between winning cooperation
and losing fear and anger
competing trepidations,

Like we tripped
over a fuzzy
dis-establishing line,
Unarticulated landmine
I am still not explicitly aware of
where, exactly,
it lies

We lie together
and yet apart

InBetween winning Trust
cooperatively co-invested
in not not losing active DisTrust
competitively co-divesting
re-individuating private
apartheid EgoSystems

Both encultured,
but separately developed,
by human natured
pathologically privileged
standing apart
from healthy
gospel winning wealthy
ecosystemically restoring
our bilateral peace
within polypathic EarthJustice,

CoPassionate winners of cooperative Peace
with intent to remain regenerately co-invested,
healthy days and safe nighttime dreamers,
happy.

My active mistrust
in-between noticing growing
feeling fear of having lost you
and an even narrower way
toward winning nondualistic co-acclimation,
inviting cooperative
democratically healthy dialogue
devoid of degenerative fear of losing
what was never mine to autonomously own
and defend
with autocratically unhealthy debate
against tomorrow’s even greater wounds.

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