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MidWay Confessions

I could be quicker to apologize
and more deeply reconsider
healthy and safe restitution
restoration
restoring right relationship
restorying win/win potential
resolutions

To become more integrally confessional
when I have lacked transparency
hidden by invulnerable
chauvinistic silence

Fearing to offend
on matters not deeply mattering
to me
but almost certainly significant
to this one before me
and/or those beyond me
who do care

However selfishly
needing to be heard
respected

Wanting to have control
over healthy
safe possibilities
truthful
potentially beautiful
where they have invested

Even though I may see
and hear their outcomes,
smell
and taste these same yields
touched
and felt too win/lose
zero sum infested
congested,
too hungrily ingested
injected

I would be quicker to apologize
reconsidering healthy and safe restitution
restoring right relationships
restorying win/win
cooperative
more inclusive
open
vulnerable
and yet resiliently resonant
robustly forgiving resolutions.

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Widowed ComPassion

Said the old widow cook
to the drag queen son
feeding his/her dying abusive dad,
while offering her nurturing donation:

“I don’t want your money.
We’re not savages, yet.”

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Loving Jose

Yes, Jose,
this is another love letter
from anthroprivileged me
to LeftBrain dominant you
for multicultural us.

I’m still here
sinking into my deep blue camp chair
with feet resting on a weathered
wooden platform
for my monastic tent

Now folded
and masterfully squeezed into its storage bag
like a fat green sausage
with a thick
black fly zipper,
secure,
awaiting it’s next orgasmic coming out
to camp and play.

And you,
warm and glistening
listening you,
are still driving
west toward this transition
Saturday’s bittersweet sunset.

Perhaps already lonely
thinking
of what
and feeling whom
lies ahead
while all else feels left behind

Another week of adventure lost;
another week of memories gained

Yet memories have grown cacophonous
while adventures in knowing
new frontiers
grow old as shrinking Earth
grown bodies

Fading hope to feel
taste
see
hear
smell
touch abundantly enough
for this full life
experiencing love
quenched time

Comparing future now to back there then,
wishing we could have us all
warm and pleasant
in our head,
heart,
bed of intimacy
without embarrassing
premature limits,
boundary issues,
health precautions.

You tried to apologize
for not asking more
about my wounded kids

And I did not think to apologize,
but wonder, now, that I didn’t,
for not asking how you are feeling
and dealing
post prostate cancer

Remissions
feel like uncertain transitions,
undemanding admissions
both healthy opportunities
and diseased risks
lie beyond this day’s journey
toward Albany.

Perhaps you,
like me,
fear
and already feel
loss of intimacy
imagined
yet not touched,
thought
but not appreciably,
healthy needed
but not safely found,
sacred bound
for joy’s immense integrity.

When I walked into our group’s enclosed porch
this past Sunday
for my first check-in circle,
your first facilitation,
I thought of my former boss.

You look and sound
like Bishop Tafoya,
when he was your age
and I was half your age.

I had trouble
shaking this sage off.

It helps
that you sing
with warmth and passion
in fulsome baritone,
as the good Bishop
decidedly did not.

Nor could I imagine him
dancing with a white scarved fan
with integrity
flirtatious machismo
joyfulness
deeply resounding playfulness.

Do you have a type?
I wonder
Are you familiar with mine?

Those romantic,
erupting into erotic,
miracles of preference
we cannot control
or calm our appetites
to accept
AND appreciate,
anticipate
those with us
here and there
in and out of Gayla 44,
after and before
now heading west
away from east.

So much to hide,
to learn,
to unveil,
to set aside
for graceful aging,
and to warmly embrace
for compassioned wisdom
felt together,
rather than silently,
less sacredly,
apart.

The Center’s lunch bell rang
and now has gone

Absorbed by quiet shushing
and rustling
high in evergreens
baking in Mama’s summertime
weekend of commerce
and less commercial passions,
traffic rituals,

Pre-empting ancient natural liturgies
of sea,
flowing water
and strong mountains
inspiring bonfires
bond-fire between rising
and falling phoenix
conjoining
co-investing
multi-generational passions;
daddies and sons,
masters and slaves,
tops and bottoms,
poles and holes,
straights and rounds,
dipolar co-arising

Riding forward home
to what continues repurposing why,
reworking hidden meaning
as yet unredeemed
in sensory Business As Usual

Backward east
returning promises
of safe and healthy
bright happy new dawns
transcending broken hearts,
troubled mind’s
loss of time’s
most cherished values

Love’s integral compassions
resting first
returning last

Already
I miss you
ready to miss us.

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Sabbath Hope

I hope to visit next Sunday
on a warm
sunny
early PeaceGiving afternoon

Outside with my wounded Daughter’s
extending therapeutic family
with win/win playful
and richly resonant intent

Inside her new
young
empowering
and cooperatively enlightened

Thankful
mind-full music
and muse dancing
mythically
mysteriously
majestically joyful home.

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Late Fall

Outside views
remind me
Earth already represents
early winter
in my sacred EarthTale

Of internal climate healthy
redevelopment
heart mediated
in dialogue with nonverbal
Right/Left resonant
muse-integrity

Silent
sacred
mindful rest
promised
through winter’s hibernating
nest

Before best health days
of our grandchildren’s wealthiest lives
will struggle
seething still and silent
to not out loud envy
our apartheid cold messages

Time to “Man Up”
to get through my depressed
Yintegral chronic oppressed
trans-indigenous
multicultural potential

To winter through
LeftBrain monoculturing
viral win/lose dominance
over marginalized
“disabled” RightBrain prominence

Of late Fall
sinful PatriCapital daze
in my chronic LeftBrain dominant
entertaining
homiletic hubris

My monotheistic sublime
mid-summer protagonist
of all unspoken monoculturing passion narratives
expecting,
anxiously anticipating
my personal StraightWhite Patriarchal
anthrosupremacist savior

A late Fall god-given
self-righteous entitlement
defensive about dubious undemocratic
healthy transcendent fertility

Taking more than my four square share
of EarthTribe’s freezing ZeroSum
final regenerative inhale
rather than a NonZero
full-harvest gratitude exhale

To co-passion grandchildren’s
regenerate healthy inhale
balancing passionately co-invested
forgiving exhale

Spiraling dynamically out
toward full-spectral
four seasonal healthy wealth
of cross-generational
restoring Earth’s
lifetime emergence,
AnthroSacred

Balancing this compassioning
late Fall mountain moment
co-invested back toward inspiring
spirited spring
of my indigenous
bicameral
original natural/spiritual
EarthJustice bilateral wisdom

This win/lose LateFall day
is Not
THE END (yet)

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ForeGiving CelEmbracions

We all have had worst days and best days,
good and bad days and nights
works and plays.

My own largest part of learning to forgive myself
for bad days
of WholeEarth neglect
and win/lose interpersonal compromises,
for bad historic days
of letting go too easily,
too conveniently
forgiving my unforgiving
and unforgiven apartisanship,
for sins of Othering heritage,
for anthro-
and ego-centric supremacy

Is to celebrate our connecting
and reconnecting
wealthiest viral health
safe return
to humanity’s multicultural Home

Silently celebrating my ego’s
largest ecosystemic spaciousness,
deepest wisdom,
widest win/win compassion.

As we learn to con-celebrate
EarthTribe
re-exploring our nondualistic
indigenous
natural/spiritual heritage,

We embrace integral
holistic
holy
transparent
and vulnerably compassionate communications

Restoring green peace
through EarthJustice,

Remerging
regenerative
redemptive co-passion
celebrating my
and our
green eco/theo-logically peaceful
GoldenRule humane/divine identities

WellBeing constellations,
healthy bicameral democratic structures,
harmonic choruses,
fire-circle heated dancers,
multiculturing communion celebrants
cooperatively fore-giving our worst days
becoming our con-celebrated best days
and nights,
works and plays.

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Liberating Addiction

I need to talk about addictions,
about my addiction issues,
and maybe yours.

Addiction gets a deserved bad rap
but that doesn’t mean we have no more
than mean-spirited possibilities.

Our first addiction,
and, for the lucky ones,
the functional extended multigenerational
multicultural families
and liberating tribes,
also the last,
is love.

Love,
hidden or wide unwalled open
for another human,
another species,
another culture,
another part of Earth,
and other, costly
medicinal substitutes,

Drugs and alcohol,
guns and loud danger,
cars and sex,
coffee
and comfort
and convenience,
beauty
and enlightenment
and luxury,
notoriety
and money
and security,
all poor substitutes
for the nurturing feel
and natural touch,
nutritional smell and taste,
native sight and sounds
of love.

I have two issues
with addiction.
One is my obsessive-compulsive need
for my next, even better, fix
what’s broken.

I find it humbling
to be cravenly overpowered
by physical and mental,
natural and spiritual, want,

By my longing to climax
resiliently
resonantly
universally embraced by Earth’s most incarnate
and eternal
esteem,
communion,
co-passion.

But, physical addiction
can be softened,
eased,
healed more readily
and stadily
if not for my shame
and hide in the closet
self-judgment,

If not for my weak
and sinful shadow nature,
My need to hide
my darkest fruit truths
about not being in control
of my own autonomous will power.

And, so it is,
I hide my greatest weakness,
my greatest internalized enemy,
and thereby feed and water feelings
of guilt,
self-blame shame,

A failure to grow vulnerable love for others
I cannot see in naked love
and truth
and transparent beauty
because I fear to meet judging eyes
and minds,
voices
conserving dismissive choices.

Secret addictions
have all my darkest powers
of steadfast
and cyclical disempowerment.

Acknowledged addictions
I can call out courageously,
then curiously explore
with my housemates,
neighbors,
teachers and parents,
children and listeners,
supportive groups of similar addicts,
medicating absence of love’s
spiritual wealth
without natural walls.

Fears and angers spoken
and named
thereby weaken
as love swells
for positive addiction,

Which, as long as not risked
stays absent,
even from our healing selves
grasping mercy
for becoming merely mortal
and expecting my birthright
of a health wealthy society
good faith community
family
with multicultural addiction values
and unlovely disvalues

Summarized in GoldenRule behaviors
and positively addicted open
vulnerable
transparent
courageous
actively curious gratitude
attitudes of cooperative disclosure.

This power of my unhealthy addictions
lies more heavily in hiding my self
secret depressions
repressions
suppressions
dark impressions
that true and beautiful,
resonant and resilient love
is too far above
my emotional pay scale,
worthy of our co-redemption,

Too big a reach
to try to open up again,
to share my weak addictions
and strong compulsions
to feel and touch
taste and see
where love was lost
while pursuing lesser
hidden things.

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When Wellness Exists

What resiliently exists
has synergetically become together
more than win/lose competitive apart

Win/Win reframed
as future integrity’s healing potential
existence,
sustainable experience,
potency for positive resonance,
multicultural cross-creating
and re-creating narratives

Historical regenerative
cultural responsive
co-invested fore-gifted plots
to co-invest
in co-redeeming
cooperative ecopolitical systems.

What cannot exist,
viably persist
prefacing entropic
static
unchanging enthymematic
pre-emptive being
without past integral reweaving
systemic and ecological potential
to produce empowering gifts

To induce grace
to seed
breed regenerative health creation,

Wealth of multicultural creolization,
positive resonant inter-nations
complexly co-invested
nested cooperative fore-gifted sets
of interdependent resilience

Throughout WholeEarth Systems
re-creating
ego/eco-feminists
more rightbrain prominent
re-educators
recycling
reweaving co-redeeming narratives

Repurposing
re-ligioning
re-integrating secular and sacred
re-storied Meaning

CoMediating political bicameral ways
and economic bilateral means.

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Banquet of Gratitude

Spirits of unnatural forgiveness
for past bullying behavior
and sacred redemption
from internalized shaming,
self-blaming

Begin in our shared multiculturing
co-empathic nature
uncomfortable with win/lose historic
and contemporary choices,
ecopolitical system analyzed
and deep egocenteredly felt

Longing for an interfaith return
to win/win healthy solidarity
as part of regenerative
indigenous TurkeyWisdom Earth
with all Her multiculturing
multigenerational
organic and energetic
matriarchal fore-giving
life systems

Democratizing
co-operating
co-empowering
co-enlightening

Skills with verbal and nonverbal,
left and right hemisphere,
non-violently laid down listening life
communication

Not playing shame
and self/other blame
win/lose judgmental competition games
embedded in negative emotions,
not positive win/win regenerate motions,
notions,
songs and impulsive dances,
positive analogies
and deeply complex metaphoric
healthy
wealthy
wiser experiences

When our gratitude remembers to ask
Is this my best
shamelessly ecological EarthPatriotic/Matriotic self?
Does this theologically reflect
our healthiest ecosystemic
ecotherapeutic wealth
of perennial win/win communion meals
ego/eco-balancing EarthWisdom?

I want to produce a Thanksgiving InterFaith Feast
that extends my feeling
and awareness of graced multiculturing family,
verbally and nonverbally communicating
gratitude for healthy compassion,

But, even more deeply,
we long to become a polyculturally deep feeding
and breeding spiritual paradise naturally pleasured
Thanksgiving Banquet
of win/win blue/green
secular/sacred communion,

Not so much triumphalistic
and communications empirical;
More deeply EarthEvangelic,
co-messianic
as purple mountain majesties.

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The Rival Sisters

They were loyal sisters.
The older
was also more fair,
prettier in an Original Barbie kind of way.

She had been sick
when her younger,
darker,
more tomboy sister
met and first desired
my tall, dark, and handsome Uncle.

When older and fairest of all Sisters
returned home,
after a long healthcare absence,
she too desired Uncle Handsome,
as did we all,
in our time and ways,
but Handsome’s eyes never wavered again
once reset on older and fairest Sister.

Young darker Sister, left behind,
began to heal
when tall, dark, and handsome #2
showed up
and spoke smokey truths
of happiness,
kindness,
quiet gentleness.
But not too gentle.
Slow and steady; confident
integrity could heal all guilt
and angers
and prior disappointments.

These two Sisters
and their TD and H husbands
lived near each other
and grew old together
with unspoken neighborly mistrusts,
unresolved struggles with and about envy,
jealousies and jilts,
but also laughter and deep mutual regard.

Who can control chemistry,
or timing?
Who can forgive,
and how long could this revolution take?

Yet even restrained love
can grow abundantly rich
with both age and generosity.

Younger and darker Sister
lost her husband to cancer
and then her memory,
while older fairest Sister and husband
moved into assisted housing
after reaching golden fifty years
together.

Then good-natured patient waiting
to embrace final retirement,
a journey we each take alone,
as when we entered
except without Mom nearby,
or maybe this too remains the same, somehow.

Older ancient Barbie Sister
did not let go
until younger jilted Sister
quietly stopped breathing in her deep night sleep,
lost in memories not accessible by day.

Ten nights later
Barbie Sister passed out of embodied memories
in this same way.
Safe at last,
knowing it was then too late
for TD and H Uncle
to go back before that place
where they had started.

They say death comes in threes.
I wonder why.

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