I know what it costs
to parent a tyrant
24/7
52 weeks/year
and yet avoid judging,
feeling guilty,
self-blaming shame
for all I am not sufficient,
yet.

I remember learning curious distinctions
between genuine remorse
given, when LeftBrain verbally requested,
yet without RightBrain capacity
to feel even the least caring difference
between natural brown girl
and spiritual white light shame

Self blame
for why that dinnerplate
smashed so frighteningly
against my dining wall
as if my fault
my adopted child’s sense
of dad-adapting ownership,
or even complexly confusing
bipolar mixed
temporal-historical management messages
about imaginary aggressive causes
predicting unprecedented economic
and political family “out of the blue behavior,”
random effects,
effectively nurturing attention,
non-neglect,
more brown person privileged

Lack of win/win communication
not always transparently verbalize-disabled
and vulnerably, verbally examined
much less non-violently communionated.

Not until I 24/7 learned
such great sociopathic lose/lose
unfortunate chronic mental health events
are non-violently but impatiently stressed,
restrained perhaps
with short-term shunning
and close the safe-space door
temporarily dissociating–
no win/win co-adoptions
of dad-adapting co-empathic nonverbal behavior
accessible right leftbrain autonomously here
and rightbrain interdependent win/win now

Sending myself to my own private room
to re-imagine win/win multicultural remediations,
and positive psychology
ecology
neurological system restoring dreams
of Paradise Not
NonZero Souled Green
new deal rapturously global Peace
climaxing during my own aging green health inhaled
and re-inhaled
exhaling peronal EarthWealth
for feeding more resilient green summer leaves

Restoring
as Recommitting solidarity
as rebreathing solitude
reweaving

Recreating
redeeming
regenerating
re-ligioning
re-connecting
re-storing
re-integrating EarthGreenPeace
organically healthy medication
meditations
win/win Earth compassion practices
of good faith health system restorations

A little lighter thought
and more empowering feeling
active movement practicing
and even miming felt co-empathic needs
eco-politically green cooperative polypathic
EarthTribe Justice,
multiculturally polyphonic
non-verbal Language
not not double-positive co-binary

By pretending I am sociopathic her
10-year-old gay white male EarthMother
doing the best s/he patriarchally privileged can
campily dipolar Both/And re-enacting
what it might feel like
for the not so gayly old white mashed
patriarchally provisioned potatoes
to hit the battered ungrateful wall
clearly devoid of proper heterosexual
aggressively dominant appreciation
for warm buttery white unskinned

Smash! against the senseless floor,
wounded
mashed
bashed
smashed in a fetal curled up defensive mess,
writhing
and theatrically moaning,
one eye on the microphonic
monopolistic Voice of NonChoice
and the other on the bicameral rediscernment

Until she smiles.

Demands I rise again,
right here,
left together co-present now
ZeroSum terrified morally unsafe
reverse transitioned
so she can hug my steady white grand dad neck,
kiss my hope in “side with me, too”
and smarm my win/win resiliently hopeful forehead,
leaving her actively curious mark
on her brown-skin unmasked safe
and healthy communal territory,

Organic ego-gardening green deeding dad,
cooperative as win/win healthy
wealthy democratic Paradise

Which comes out leftbrain verbally,
“Can I maul your head?”
also might mean,
post critical non-cooperative climate event,
“Could we together head
toward the mall,
and co-invest in accessories?
Maybe makeup, soon? not soon enough?
which could only be rightHere/leftNow

A hair salon?
Something actually important
to a real brown-skinned bipolar egofeminist first person
sometimes critically living
in a reversed effects before narcissistic causes
world win/lose
zero-sum bottoms up
redhot
angry trapped wounded child view.