I am sorry
about my judgmental,
sadly disdainful,
tone
in earlier messages.
Even worse,
I remain embarrassed
for spreading it out
for key staff
and leaders
to well-positioned see
and hear
and feel,
touched by toxicity.
My training
and experience
includes community mediation.
Within this mindful context,
I have tried to understand
what you want,
what you are learning,
what feeds and waters you
in your Presidential Position.
Your responses:
- that you know
and care
about our residential members,
AND - that you have unusual expertise,
skills training,
and/or Business Administration experience
not available from other members,
at least not any
willing to step up
and out into saying,
Yes, I’ll help.
I failed to fully fit these
with past mediation interviews.
I was not as surprised by the second one,
as by the first,
because usually those seeking arbitration help
feel they live
in a high-risk win/lose
zero-sum system
punishing loss,
while looking for
their personal most loss-avoidant path
toward personal gain.
More closely regarding #2,
that you have unusual contractor,
business and project budgeting,
business management,
and significant financially successful property management experience
I was impressed
with what you bring
to our leadership table
And yet this does not,
in and of itself,
speak to skill sets
for PRESIDENT
of the Board.
On the contrary,
it seems to me
all this volunteer work
must detract from where your most cost-effective
personal focus needs to be
on your too busy workdays,
probably extending into evenings
and family/friend-lost weekends.
With regard to #1,
knowing and appreciating
win/win health and safety feelings
for residential members
This also did not sound
quite like my personal experience
could typically recall.
When I ask for personal motives,
usually what win/lose business men
speak of begins with financial motivations,
sometimes secondarily supported
by ecological concerns,
occasionally theological beliefs,
political aspirations,
retaining a positive community relations image,
community leadership aspirations,
wanting to be perceived
as a good and competent leader,
legislator,
teacher,
and/or,
in the case of religious constituencies,
wise spiritual Elder.
I have clearly failed
to understand why
you want to continue
Presiding over the Board.
This remains a mystery
shared by everyone I’ve asked.
When I share with them
your two responses to
“What’s in Presidency for you?
this fits with their
Successful Business Leader view
but raises dissonant questions
How could you afford to donate
this much time
and personal interest
without any personal financial return?
This dissonant mistrusting feeling
grows further
by those who have been residents
for many years
yet still do not feel seen or heard
So how could you know
and care about us?
As a mediator
with therapeutic,
nonviolent communication
intent
What do I do with my inability
to accurately and compassionately empathize
with you
on your journey toward fulfillment,
success,
happiness,
prosperity
and, preferably, unconditional regard?
To truly understand
and support you
in your personal and social
health and safety self-interest,
and to continue as our business leading
Presider?
I do not know how
to do both of those things,
and no one who encouraged me
to join the Board
wants me to support you.
That said,
one way sure not to help you
or me understand
and support you
is to publicly judge,
shame
and/or blame you
for circumstances beyond your responsibility
and authority to control.
If I have done that,
when I have done that,
while I am doing that,
I have not been a good person,
I have been a disappointing
multiculturally trained to listen
community-mindful mediator
And,
I have not practiced
even basic nonviolent communication skills
And,
you
presumably
are experiencing further high-risk
chronic trauma
as a result of my negligence.
For these failures on my part,
I apologize.
I often recall
a line of self-discovery
learned from a favorite
and famous spiritual director
“Who,
in your life now,
and perhaps in your past,
has been with you
at your most passionate
positive best?”
These are often romantic,
and sometimes earlier
healthy and safe parental
win/win relationship histories.
“How would that person,
or those people,
probably describe your sense of humor?”
If you have no idea,
you might want to start there
to therapeutically respond
to deeply engrained
trauma-avoidant
chronic stress disorder.
If you do have an idea,
some warm and welcoming ideas
about what helps you laugh with yourself
(not at yourself)
and with another you trust
and have found attractive,
compelling,
in some integrally soulful way,
then try to use that co-passion tool
to feel better about yourself,
your personal relationship history,
and your potential
for future healthy
and good-humored
win/win
nonviolent communication
for achieving resiliently co-mediated
health and safety outcomes.
