Uncategorized

Too Long Past Due

What’s the point of suicide
when I feel already dead inside?

Too long past due
pulling breath’s last plug
last gasp
last primal scream
for and against capital colonizing campaigns
but acted out in dizzying silent mime,
rumored to be a scary thing
this last big surrendering event
before unconsciousness
of changing time
marching inevitably forward
and backward,
out
and back in
until no more back
or in.

But what frightens this fading identity most,
No one will know a difference,
notice I’m different,
least of all
decaying from within
me.

Already unconscious
subconscious,
merely skirting conscious life
precedes flirting with absence of awareness,
burning bridges
pulling life plugs
turning out my lights
already too dark to hear
fear memories
too alarming to feel
images
too disarming to care for power
for light

Too defining
future past experience
enlightening
too long
refining
past due
healing
organic capital investments
ourselves
too long overdue.

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Uncategorized

Listening for Sustainability

My daughter,
with Fetal Alcohol crippling emotional intelligence damage
and Cerebral Palsy perpetual TerribleTwo
“is too many,
because Earth is all about ego-defiant me”
has taught herself
to attach her lips,
and sometimes her wet licking tongue
when she is feeling particularly needy
and/or playful
or maybe just hungry,
to my male dominant capitalist-head
when she needs to feel noticed
attached
connected
invested in
better.

This Saturday morning
she commits the unpardonable sin
of waking up before seven a.m.
Eleven is closer to her business as usual.

After bath and costuming,
both accomplished with as little support from me,
autonomously distracted, as possible,
she goes to our kitchen
to watch her favorite animated song and dance loops
on It’s All About You
Tube.

I am hanging out with my son,
also with cerebral palsy,
but unable to walk without balancing assistance
and unable to talk in either direction,
talk back or proclaim forth,
which is more his sister’s favorite skill set.

After a few minutes
of only slightly compromised peace
this sunny summer Saturday morning,
the daughter comes in
to demand her support staff (me)
prepare her royal breakfast (immediately).

I invite her to self-serve.

She says No!
repeatedly
while I remind her
she is capable of going to the freezer,
extracting one microwave pancake and sausage
on a stick,
wrapping it in one square of paper towel,
opening the microwave door,
placing it on the rotating glass plate inside,
closing the door,
pushing 1, 0, 0,
waiting for the ding,
and removing her breakfast by holding the stick,
waiting for it to cool,
removing the paper towel,
and devouring the pancake,
then the sausage,
as usual.

She responds
I want you to do it.

I respond
I want you to do it.

“No, Help me!”

“I am helping you!”

“No!
You do it; not me!”

“Why?”

“Because I”m watching my tablet.”

“And I’m trying to meditate
and write!”

“No! Help me!”

So, I ask for a time out.
We have been at this same impasse countless times.
It’s a ritual,
obsessive and compulsively lose/lose.
We are both not listening
while we are also not meditating
and watching
and writing healthier song and dance stories.

What’s happening here?
You know you can make your own breakfast.
Is this about not wanting to be alone?
Do you want me to show you
how crazy I am about you?

“Can I have a kiss?”

And then we do the “my lips on your head”
And “my head on your lips” ritual.
I give her a back and shoulder massage
while she has her therapeutic attachment breakfast.

My daughter smiles,
leaves the room without further demands,
goes back to the freezer,
pulls out a Blanketed Pig
on a stick…

I go back to writing
about resilience
and remediating potential lose/lose Earth climates
and emotionally cooperative reparations.

My son goes back to sleep,
having had a good belly laugh
at our curiously outspoken craziness,
reminding me
Curiosity is a more effective left-hemisphere tool
than working hard to feel right-hemisphere patience
in the face of apparent weapons
wielded by alien win/lose forces
in an otherwise win/win potentiated
interactive ego/eco-system.

He sits up,
groaning
repeatedly,
until I re-emerge
aware
He needs a diaper change,
on this peaceful sunny summer Saturday morning
riding still-revolving climates of Earth
re-creating green-blue-red
ultra-nonviolent win/win living systems
of actively communicating co-enlightenment.

Maybe we’ll have lunch on the backyard deck
under our barn red umbrella
as the Thames River continues to flow downstream
from northern stars
toward southern sun sustaining states.

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Uncategorized

Fractured Caregivers

“If I could turn you on,
if I could drive you out of your wretched mind,
if I could tell you
I would let you know.”
R. D. Laing

Ronald Laing
was a troubled psychotherapist
and a notoriously terrible non-dad
who heard dark voices in double-binding schizophrenia.

Knots of contradictory negative emotions,
needs,
troubling demands and troubled expectations
non-verbally underlying attachments,
sensed relationships
between two people
and within families,
and other,
larger
eco-politically Stated, and officious, Voices.

I need you
to want to be with me
not because I need you
to care for me
and about us.

I do not need you (society, Earth)
to want to be with me
because I need you
to care for me
and about us;
regeneratively double-bonded.

Laing could not see
these two “not”s
as both/and resiliently knotted
at peace with each other’s harmonic in-between strains;

The geometrics
of and in-between not-not
can equal a positive.

His solution was inclusive rebellion.
I wonder what mine will be,
has been.

I hope for a 2020 revolution
revisioning not-not
health-wealth
sexual-sensory
natural-spiritual
left/west-right/east hemispheric
yang-yin
strength-flow
outside-inside
precessive-recessive (B. Fuller)
outgoing-incoming
ex/preformed cognition-informative emotion
not yet/still polypathic-polyphonic
holonic integrity-holy synergy
ecological prime relationship-theological compassion

(+)polynomial + (-,-)polynomial = +/-,- Win/Win ZeroZone,
multicultural

Integrally co-redemptive bicameral 20-20 re-creations,
left-brain secularly metric
and right-brain sacredly mindful

Every sacred day and night
psychotherapeutic choice is more resilient
when right-brain integral attachment rooted
rather than left-brain detachment deflowered.

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Uncategorized

Black Life Shatters

My oldest son,
one of the few Earth-mattering
Earth-shattering
Black lives
I was made to protect
to guide
by eco-righteous WinWin acts
and co-passioning words,

Felt, and therefore was, disempowered,
worthless,
like helpless prey among predators
who listen to the same rap,
same urban Earth writes,
same multicultural performances,
When a gun was dispassionately pointed at his head.

This was only tangentially about an economic exchange
primal, personally and politically, targeted.

He felt violated,
and threatened,
already home and identity invaded,
when forced to hand over his car keys,
and the back door
and front door
keys to his home.

He knows these guys,
where to find them on Facebook,
at the casino,
in the dance and rap clubs
where he invested
infested
while still in high school.

Urban night school, unEarthly,
earthy
darkly sensual.

He does not know where to find them in church.
Gospel music is for grandmothers.
Liturgical dance,
sacred rituals,
are for outside romance
on warm wet wombed erotic nights.

He felt naked
exposed
terrified when they demanded his last dime.

This is his biggest and baddest bully,
his most deeply echoing “LOSER!”
His darkest dirge
speaking of suicidal revenge.

Or prison,
where Earth’s great white patriarchal State,
will put a gun to his head
and force him to remove his clothes
and bend over
to assume the even more lost position,

Raped of any future hope
to rest outdoors
after an ecstatic liturgical dance
under a romantic full moon
rapping
and dancing
ultra-violet variations
on a warm wet wombed
bright delight.
Not So Bright Delight

You talk our talk
like Black Lives Matter,
but you walk your own walk
as Black lives shatter,
Brown lives stutter,
Green lives splinter.

What’s a-matter?

You want to want
all lives to splatter?
Might hear to hear
RealTalk ain’t chatter,

You eat to eat
friends heads on platters.
We taste to see
your fake get fatter.

Your act is tired.
Your allies scatter.
You need to feed
on guns’ disaster.

Come on now, Felix,
What’s a-matter?
Where’s your commitment
to Black Lives Matter?

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Uncategorized

Story Lessons

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

The apparent insanity of inmates
and prisoners
and addicts, conspiracy theorists and paranoids,
does not prove,
nor necessarily even suggest,
the keepers are not also self-entitled nuts
with unhealthy powers,
authorities,
delegated detached responsibilities
loyal to ratchet race competitions.
Passion Story

When you are crucified, naked, poor
and occupied by Roman yangish powerful voices
and Win/Lose commodity values,
unhealthy fought and sold colonizing authorities,
irresponsible power occupiers,
violators of healthy green peace objectives
applicable to any sanctuary and asylum
with humane organic embodied rituals and behaviors
yet still Win/Lose divine punishing evolution machine minded,
we have been historic asylum invited
to purge messianic homeless egos
on HolonicSpirit’s centering Earth-cross,
rather than remain comparatively imprisoned by traumas
to the disassociating left or right.

Health History Story

A. Earth was born, still, flat, without form and ZeroCentric void.
B. S/he remains newborn and young,
springing organic life
WinWin preferential solidarity with all EarthTribe.
C. S/he still grows mature healthy Heavenly summer sun
over nurturing MotherEarth,
sacred/secular conjoined.
D. S/he co-emerges Northern revolutionary Yang/Yin bicameral,
bilateral healthstream co-arising poly-paths,
-phonics,
-cultures,
-nomial maps,
-meme messages,
-frames of secular/sacred nutrition.

One Flew Into the Communion NestEgg

See “Health History Story” above
The apparent stillborn insanity of original patriarchal residents
need not predict
Yang/Yin co-redeeming caregivers
are not also ego- v eco-logical sanctuary sociopaths
sabotaging our own potential opportunities
for polypathic communion asylums.

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Uncategorized

The DJ

The DJ plays wrong songs
for greens
and blues,
blacks and browns,
yellows
and dark wiselder matriarchal reds,
both natural
and spiritual
progressive parties too all-encompassing
to quickly disinvest
and octave ageless end.

DJ
never learned to dance outdoors
naked
or even organically half-dressed
to impress,

To ride RightMind waves
of cooperative
integral
holonic
MotherEarth primal relationship
revolving sacred DJ spin,
Earth’s harmonic resonating song.

DJ left MotherEarth
and sanctity behind
To buy Her up and app,
and inappropriately sell Her
to the highest patriarchal Pharisee bidder
buying passive market space
margins against Matriarchal resilient potential winner.

Quick gaming gains
deep darkly hidden chaos cash value
before environmental co-relationship
becomes an oxymoron
like capitalist healthy intelligence.

DJ learned his Ego
is his ZeroZone
with no remaining outdoor cherished vision
for realistic Rainbow ReStoring Warriors
replaying LP progressive folk tunes
and stand up EarthRooting improv
for midterm voters and investors
prepared to deeply listen
for outdoor health committed learning
democratic well-being constitution swearing
spinning greener DJs.

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Prisons

Prisons,
like slavery,
and economic and political prostitution,
are rooted in unfortunate histories
of criminal choices.

Criminal behaviors
are rooted in revenge
and fear
and anger
and insanely aggressive feelings
of entitlement,
bad faiths in superior wants and isolating needs.

Retaliation
is rooted in blame.

Blame
is rooted in guilt.

Guilt
is rooted in shame.

Shame
is rooted in insufficiency,
poverty,
feelings of marginal value,
remedial weaknesses.

Lack of value
for healthy life,
for all lives,
is rooted in circles of perpetual retribution
for lack of cooperative integrity.

Lack of spiraling integrity
is rooted in tolerance for habitual failures
to love sufficiently,
publicly and privately,
socially and personally,
naturally and spiritually.

Failures of love
are rooted in abundance of memorized terror.

Terror
is rooted in histories of trauma.

Trauma
is rooted in lack of restorative therapy.

Lack of effective, necessary, sufficient, optimizing therapies
is rooted in prisons
viewed as fitting resolutions for others’ crimes
rather than criminalizing problems
personal and public sufferings,
loss,
failures of sufficient social integrity.

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